You're looking at this all wrong, Zew. It's not your job to make her "face consequences." That's for the Big Guy upstairs.
Your job is to live your own life (including improving the things that contributed to the marital dysfunction), figure out what your non-negotiable core boundaries are, communicate them, and then leave her be.
In geopolitics, it's not the actual use of force that governs. It's the CREDIBLE THREAT OF the use of force. You may or may not need to play the D card at some point, but for now your wife needs to only know that:
a. It's one of the options on the table; and
b. You won't wait forever
Your posts above use the phrase "without judgment" several times, and yet it is judgment that is just OOOOOZING from every pore of those two posts.
