not sure how far gone we are...

[SeanB]

Here is my first post. I just picked up DR last night and have started reading.

My W and are both 39.
We have been M for just over 2 years now. T- for about 7 years.
We are both on our 3rd major relationship. Her 3rd M and my 2nd.
We both have seemed to repeated the same behaviors that didn't work in our previous M.

Last week my W told me she needed Space and Time to figure things out. she stated she still loves me, but there has been much hurt and resentment that has built up inside her that is not sure she will be able to move past. This past weekend she spent away from the house with her 2 sons. She had been getting into a habit this year of when she take trips (she travels alot for work) she stopped communicating alot while she was gone. this weekend was more of the same and it upset me to the point of confrontation. I forgot she asked for space and demanded why she thought it was ok to disappear for a day and a half and not give me a call. She blew up stating I wasn't respecting the space/time request. she needed me to give her FULL space and time, when I asked if she meant for me to move out, she responded with " I don't know". This was in the absolute pinnacle of the emotional moment and she said she wasn't sure.

That was 4 days ago.

Since then I started a journal, and started looking for a counselor for myself. My W and I have had a couple of talking sessions where she stated some things that had really drove her over the edge of frustration. This has (of course) been building up over the months, actually into the previous year and she couldn't take it anymore. She said she left hints, and admitted she is bad about stopping and confronting. She swallows the hurt until she can't keep it down any longer.
But she needed me to give her space and time to sort through the hurt and resent. It crushed me. She's crushed. She has said over and over this isn't easy. She's finding solace with family and friends and trying to find her way through this.

We had some recent issues where my inactivity or willingness to act has led to grief/heartache/stress. These events led her to feel unprotected, wounded and I was not there to protect her. she is a super strong person, and thought of on that level to the public, but I underestimated the unprotected child lying under the surface.

She is hurt and has said she hasn't reached the point where she is "done" with me and our marriage. But she is close. I fear it might be a simple matter of another argument.
I am doubful there is a OM...but my insecurities plague me anytime I let them (which is often). she has a friend whom she has recently become quite attached to, and I find myself wondering if he is trying to strike while the opportunity is there. She has vowed to me that she would never cheat, she would leave a marriage before doing that...but that is all I hold onto right now to stifle the self doubt. She is constantly on her phone chatting with various people...but when those messages come later and later into the night, my self doubt peaks. I don't challenge her on any of this, I dont acknowledge its happening. trying to give her that space.

I have begun to give her as much space as she needs. I stay out of her business location (she operates our family business while I support it with full time job) unless she asks me for a favor. I give her all the space she needs @ home.
I grabbed the Sandi's 37 rules and am trying to abide by them.
I am taking care of myself and working on the things I have let go: health, mental health and just overall quality of who I am. I am trying to be an even better version of the person I was before.
I struggle with sandi's rules as I want so much to talk to her about everything.
I don't feel like she is a WAW yet, so I am so hesistant to treat her that way in fear it pushes her away and over the edge.
She has been displaying signs of interest and 'normalcy' with me in the last day and a half.

With each engagement or sign of connecting from her I become more desperate to toss aside the rules. I fear being too aloof might cause her to separate even more. If I am absent form her heart, will she allow someone else to come in?
This weekend looms as a large event as I am sure she will spend most of it away from home with friends. Friends I am sure will talk to her to console her, but fear what else might be told to her as 'advice'. I know she needs a break from US...to just forget her troubles for a weekend. I just hope that she returns more ready to work on things than more ready to break things off.

I am determined to continue working on myself, but I want to work on US too, while I still feel there is an US to work on.

So I float on, adrift in life's rowboat.