oh hope,I have those same fears about dating, too. I started dating my H in high school. I have a feeling that in the adult world it doesn't quite work to do something like leave a note in someone's locker saying "do you want to go out with me?" It is really scary and I fear that I'll get too attached way too fast because I don't know how to do the dating "game". But, as you said, we're getting way ahead of ourselves. The thought has actually crossed my mind about whether I'd be OK dating someone my age w/ kids and being a stepmom! I haven't actually tried it yet, but practicing meditation/mindfulness may help, or googling for sites on those subjects? Those practices focus on being in the present and fully aware of it, rather than being distracted by the past or possible future. I've been reading a book called "Codependency for Dummies" and there's a section on "spiritual practices" and how they help with decreasing worry.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
KGirl - The whole idea of dating is terrifying to me. I met my H at a party at a friend's house my freshman year of college. He had a girlfriend at the time. We ran into each other in a bar a few months later. The girlfriend was history, we hit it off, and we've been together ever since. Sometimes, when I fast-forward to the future, I wonder if I'll have another baby. If I did, how would D7 adjust to that?
That's a great suggestion. I'm reading about detachment tonight, but I'm going to add those to my research list.
So, my H has continued with the calling just to check in thing he had started doing again. I think it means that he must still feel some sort of connection, but going down that path leads me to having expectations, so I'm trying to stay away from that. Yesterday, he called several times about our taxes. He files them every year and was missing a few things he needed. Separately from those calls, he also called me at work a few times just to talk about what was going on at his office. His boss is on vacation for two weeks, so he's having to deal with lots of stuff his boss usually handles. That continued today. He called to vent about work a couple times and then called again later to tell me that he had to go to a business dinner that he hadn't anticipated. In addition to that, he called just as I was beginning this post to tell me he was on his way home (to his apartment) from dinner/drinks. This was particularly surprising as he hasn't been doing that, even when he's told me he has plans.
In general, I try to not make myself too available. When I'm really busy at work, I don't answer or call back immediately. I also try to get off the phone first. He did end the call tonight first. It was actually pretty abrupt. There's a HUGE part of me that wants to text him and say "that was strange," but I'm resisting the temptation.
In many ways, our relationship lately has many of the elements it always has had. I've been supporting him with some stuff he has going on at work. He also has an uncle who is on hospice, so he's been talking to me about that. I've been looking for a new job for a few months now and he's always checking in to see how that's going and giving me advice. He just doesn't live in our house anymore. Oh, and the physical relationship is absent, which is really tough for me with physical touch being my primary LL. Honestly, the increase in contact from him over the last couple of weeks is pretty confusing.
After calling last night to let me know he was on his way home, H texted me to tell me when he made it. He said, "home safe and sound." I just responded, "Good :)"
I find it interesting that he's suddenly started checking in all the time. I do not check in with him, so I don't think he's doing it because he thinks I expect it. I guess it may mean nothing.
This evening, my H's uncle who was in hospice care passed away. My H called me as soon as he found out. I told him I was here for him and how sorry I was for his loss. He said he's mostly worried about his mom because she's taking it really hard. Since he knew this was coming, he had been talking about getting a plane ticket back to his home state for the services. He's never asked me to go, or even suggested that he wanted me to go with him. I'm struggling with what to do. I'm not sure if I should offer to go with him or not. I don't want to put pressure on him, especially since he's already going through a tough emotional time, but if this had happened a year ago, I definitely would have gone with him to be there for him and for my MIL. We lived in his home state for 8 years, so MIL and I became pretty close.
It's also strange for me to not be with him now. I don't know if continuing to give him space is the right approach given the circumstances. Any suggestions?
Well, he doesn't want my help. He called and asked if I thought he should fly or drive to the funeral. I said he should fly. A flight is 2.5 hours and a drive is 14. He seemed very annoyed by my opinion--which he asked for--and proceeded to tell me all the reasons it made more sense to drive. Not my problem, I guess
This evening, my H's uncle who was in hospice care passed away. My H called me as soon as he found out. I told him I was here for him and how sorry I was for his loss. He said he's mostly worried about his mom because she's taking it really hard. Since he knew this was coming, he had been talking about getting a plane ticket back to his home state for the services. He's never asked me to go, or even suggested that he wanted me to go with him. I'm struggling with what to do. I'm not sure if I should offer to go with him or not. I don't want to put pressure on him, especially since he's already going through a tough emotional time, but if this had happened a year ago, I definitely would have gone with him to be there for him and for my MIL. We lived in his home state for 8 years, so MIL and I became pretty close.
It's also strange for me to not be with him now. I don't know if continuing to give him space is the right approach given the circumstances. Any suggestions?
I can't speak for your H but I know I would definitely appreciate it if my W would offer to come with me for something like that. IMO, if you just make the offer it is not putting pressure on him, just giving him the option of having you for support if he chooses to accept.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Thanks for the input, Scorp. I'm honestly not sure my H actually wants my opinion. I think he really just wants me to agree with him. For him, me not agreeing with him is equivalent to me not being supportive. That isn't mind reading. He's actually said that to me several times during our M.
Regardless, I think I will offer to go with him. I think it is the right thing to do and I want to be there for him.
It is really scary and I fear that I'll get too attached way too fast because I don't know how to do the dating "game". But, as you said, we're getting way ahead of ourselves. The thought has actually crossed my mind about whether I'd be OK dating someone my age w/ kids and being a stepmom!