Thanks Bunches ...i thought through it after your post. I think my W is in an A and I don't like her friends so I was trying to control the sitch by trying to get her to come home after her meeting to bake the cake. I must keep telling myself to not care what she does.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Yes man, whatever she does even if it upsets you its out of your control, however for the future times just plan ahead, hey the birthday its so....could you bake the cake? If she says no, then you bake the cake...not a big drama, but don't judge her for doing things, imagine today you were the one going out with your friends and she say to you what you say to her....you wouldn't like it right? Most of the time when you feel in a place like that all you have to do man its remember this that I am going to tell you now:
1 reverence for all of life: that means respect even if you dont agree 2 sincerity which its honesty 3 Gentleness: its a manifest of kindness 4 Suportiveness: which is service to others
Only for today: instead of doing all for me I will do things for others out of service.. In the cake case instead of thinking ahit she is going out bla bla bla, think nice I will always remember this moment baking the cake for my little one, I will make sure I prepare it with love because I am doing a service for my little one at the end of the day...and nothing else will interfere at that time while I am baking...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Thanks ye21. I will remember your kind words. I feel better after reading your post and should have taken that approach tonight and looked at the situation that way. Thanks again.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Where you make a mistake is when you open your mouth and try to reason with her. You can't do it. You will come out on the losing end every single time. She will twist your words to suit her mood or circumstance at the moment.
There have two times you have told about since the couch incident.......and you let both of then slide. First, she spoke disrespectful about you to your D. You should have called her out about that. Second, was this selfish act of her wanting to do whatever she wants and expecting you to do whatever she says. Again, you let it slide. Why?
Do not try to discuss it logically with her. She is a WAW in an A, so you can't get her to see logic. You tell her what you will or won't do, plain & simple. Then walk away from her or continue on with whatever you were doing, but don't argue and don't let it slide.
Don't be a hen-pecked H who is afraid of his W. There is nothing attractive about that type of man. Don't let her control you by accusing you of being manipulative, etc. She use any words available to throw at you in order to stay in charge.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, i can still call her out about telling our daughter "its too late ...i asked him to change a long time ago ...blah blah" ...and i will because later in the night she said "dont think our D doesnt know something is wrong" ...but when i call herl out, what do i say? Don't tell daughter things like it's too late, nothing mom can do to want to be here. Or do I tell her you're the one on the EA or whatever it is and does want to work on our MR and go to counseling or RetroV, you are the one who wants to break up our family ...so don't tell our daughter it's my fault because you asked me to change a long time ago and now it's too little to late and MY fault? Would love some guidance ...
On the other issue I thought I was wrong in the cake incident because I really didn't want to do it ..but was me wanting to control her from going out with her friends i dont like.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I would simply tell her it disrespectful to you to express those things to your daughter. You aren't disputing your W's feelings or the fact your D knows what's going on. It is inappropriate for a grown woman to say those type of things to a little girl about her father.
I am not the best at wording things, but I'd say something like, "You are free to feel however you choose about me, but in the future don't make disrespectful remarks about me to our children.......and I will show you the same consideration.".
If she has any sense at all, she will know you could do some damage if you chose. If she is silly enough to ask what that's suppose to mean, then tell her....."i believe if you'll think about you can figure it out". Then walk away. Don't engage any further.
Some may see this as a threat, or pressure. Well so be it. What else can you do to make her stop bad mouthing you to the kids? I am sure she doesn't want to them to know the real reason for her wanting a D.
While i'm thinking a out this.........When the time comes to tell the kids, make sure you are present and that she is the one to tell them. Do not let her say anything about how "she and their daddy has decided".......b/c you don't want the D and they should know it is their mother who is splitting up the family. So whenever the time comes to talk to them, be sure you tell her that if she doesn't tell them the truth that you will call her out right there in front of them and tell them about her A and etc.
Quote:
On the other issue I thought I was wrong in the cake incident because I really didn't want to do it ..but was me wanting to control her from going out with her friends i dont like.
Well I guess I missed that part. The way I read it, she was accusing you of manipulating her. Now you are saying you agree?
I don't think it is wrong for a man to want his W to choose to stay home and prepare a birthday cake for their son. He has one birthday a year. She can go out with her GF some other time. It is not right if you were trying to guilt her or some other form of manipulation. There is a difference in these. You were right to point out that her priorities are out of order.
Do you really think she is spending time with these women as much as she claims? It seems like a handy excuse to me. I can see a WAW meeting OM instead of baking a cake for her child. Which you can't control that, but don't be gullible to her lies. Protect yourself emotionally.
You have taken her cr@p until you are accepting all the blame here. At some point you must see that she is responsible for the A and choosing her current lifestyle over family & M. I think she controls you so much that she has no problem convincing you that you are being unfair to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi ...i wish I could prove the EA or PA. I dont think she is spending as much time with her girlfriends as she claims. Of course she denies it and just says this guy is a friend. But my "gut" tells me otherwise. I know she has been talking to him since last May. She has admitted to making out with him on two occasions. She was on the phone one night until 2am and when I woke up and came in the room she tried to tell me it was my sister in law but then admitted it was the OM. All that sure makes me think there is a EA or PA. In light of all that even though she said its just "conversation" she now has with him, to me its inappropriate in light of the history to have any contact with him if our R is going to have an opportunity to heal. I sure would like some hard evidence that something is going on .. incriminating texts/sexting or text about there time together. ..or even to walk in on them when they are at the bar together. Just hard because when she's out I'm home with kids. Seeing them together still would confirm EA but she seems to think an EA is ok ...but I would think they all lead to PA ...you know how guys are.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
The more I think about it she knows it's at least an emotional affair as i do. And does it really matter if I find out more? I mean she wants the D and if her R with OM has influenced her decision, well it's her decision - i can't change it; she has to come to realize that she needs to break off contact if she wants to reconcile our marriage. I can't make that happen. And at this point she has no inclination to reconcile. Me knowing more would just allow me to throw back at her what I know when she continues to deny any E and just keeps telling me he's a nice guy who listens to her (and validates I'm sure).
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
If hard evidence will not help you in the D or child custody, then proving it has limited benefits for sure. I mainly brought it up b/c you seem to believe whatever she says. If she is talking to him at all hours of the night.......and has admitted to making out with him, you can bet there is an A.
Starsky use to tell us that the WAW in an A would admit to a something that was a level or degree less than the truth. Like her saying they made out once. They had either already had sex at that point......or they were making out all the time. But he is more than just a good listener!
What does she have to lose by you knowing the truth? She must think it could be used against her some way. People think less of her, or something.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She would be worried I would tell her folks. They are strict Catholics. They love me and think my W/their daughter is crazy. W would be humiliated if her folks knew. The thing is I don't know if i would tell her folks anyway. I have never discussed with W that what she is doing is wrong, that she should think about what she is doing and break it off if she wants to make things work between us .. She is not stupid and I'm sure she can figure it out ..
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
