Reconnecting as friends. I miss her friendship. Are you really okay with just "healing" (which can be done without engaging Ms. Wonka) or are you looking for something altogether different? She's said she's forgiven you and desires to live in the present, so I'm wondering what you really and truly want from communications.
I've touched on the healing part in earlier post. What I am seeking is making sincere, thoughtful amends with Ms. Wonka for causing her untold pain during my MLC chit. That is something I feel is appropriate when someone does a wrong to another and making things right. In a way, I am attempting to make reparations...if you will. I now recognize what the antsy feeling is now...really wanting to close that loop so the both of us can feel "free" and "unchained" in going forward.
And said, "You don't think we're not friends now?" I said, "yes, I do. I will always consider you my friend. But losing the friends plus intimate benefits felt like cutting my heart out." All he could say was, "Hmmm." Then he piped up to say, "I really want to be in the present with you, and as far as I go, I'd like to keep the past in the past and just keep moving forward. Are you okay with that?" I said, "Yep. I am."
As I read this, I couldn't help but wonder if Mr. W was trying to avoid saying "sorry" for causing you pain and coming up with that comment. Maybe Mr. W really didn't want to face up or own up to his part in this mess. Sounds like he's brushing this away with the flick of his hand. Right or wrong? I don't want to be like that with Ms. Wonka. Ya know?
But, I'm thinking you want to ask her for that entrance back in? Otherwise, healing a relationship to get back to being friends isn't so scary, and doesn't require that kind of vulnerability you need when in an intimate relationship?
In a roundabout way, yes. I am being extremely sensitive to Ms. Wonka and respecting her space. I think this type of friendship is different in that we were in an intimate relationship for a long time so it has an added layer that I do not have with my old college friends. If I hurt a friend, I'd call them up and talk it over. Then we'd be fine. However, when this comes to Ms. Wonka, it is straying into a very sensitive territory and that last thing I want is to dredge up negative emotions with her. Yet, I do SEE Ms. Wonka is opening herself up for a dialogue with me which means she's ready for this instead of slamming the door to me.
So... what does making amends mean to you
Closing that door and moving forward as untethered at the emotional level. Yes, it pains me to see that I've hurt her tremendously and the sensitive part of me, with the empathy chip back in full working order, wishes to aid Ms. Wonka. Because I still hear her words ringing inside my head to this day: I've never had a closure. In other words, I'd like to make amends to provide CLOSURE for the both of us.
Has Ms. Wonka said that you need to do/say/show something in order for you to make amends? Or is this something *you* feel you need to do above and beyond showing remorse?
She did not explicatly state that it was a requirement of hers. However, she say she's open to whatever specific amends I had for her. No guidance, clue, or directions on how it'd look like to her. This is where I am positively stumped. In a way, I do feel the need to do this in order to provide us the closure and closing out the loop as you said.
From what you've told us, she's accepted your apology. So wondering if Little Wonka is rearing her head and some childhood notion that you need to make better than that to make amends to her?
Not really. It is the adult me that is attempting to make amends here. My Inner Child is now starting to listen to me and is very slowly relaxing to the idea of forging ahead with a response to Ms. Wonka's latest email. Still feeling a bit vulnerable with the notion of going "first." It is slow going, but I am patient with the Inner Child.
