Need help saving my family - part 8

[unbidden]

This sounds fine to me.

[Barrybran]

Do you guys have a regular drop off time? I'd state the time you'll drop them off or ask when your wife would like them home by? Just a courtesy thing. The rest of your message looks good. No BS.

[Scorp7]

Thanks unbidden, Barry.

We have been doing 3pm on the Sunday and the past Monday. Since I plan to do dinner with my kids on Monday so that my D6 can see me after school for a bit that won't work.

There's a fairly high chance my W won't agree to the kids staying with me until Monday at all. She didn't object the last weekend when I kept my kids until Monday but they didn't have school that day so this will be different.

I was almost always the one to drive my D6 to school before she left so it really shouldn't be an issue but we'll see.

[Scorp7]

Just thinking, is there ever a time when it's ok to try to say something about our M to my W?

I have not said anything to her for a few months about trying to work on things. We've had zero direct contact since last October, we've never spoken on the phone or seen each other since the day she left. How could she have any idea on who I am now without having any real contact at all?

The thing that is driving me crazy is that she has no idea who I really am or how far I've come since she's left. I know I'll be ok without her and I know I will have 50/50 with my kids. I just don't understand how anyone can be so stubborn and unwilling to even consider that we could at least be friends if nothing else.

[ye21]

You are not ready yet, let things flow, when things are smooth for most of us it seems "weird" so instead of accepting we push to modify the control over things.... The universe its working on your sitch, let it take control over, you sit down quiet and watch, there is a great great movie I watched today, its called "the shift" by Wayne dyer if you buy the book it comes the dvd inside and I can tell you that its just fantastic...

When your W its ready to talk about M she will, when she wants to be friends, she will, she will approach you eventually....go back and read your threads over and over and see the change in yourself and then youll realize something important: you accomplished your first goal, be grateful for that and if you can watch this other video from TED Shawn Ancor positive phsycology and youll see how you are doing now what he said students do after they are admitted to college

[melissag]

Scorp, it certainly doesn't seem now is the time for you to have an R talk with your W. I know, I thought the same thing - what if he misses me but then if I go LC/NC he will think I don't love him anymore? Here's what everyone told me, and it is true. If your W has any interest in working on the M, she knows how to let you know. Right now she has made it crystal clear that she has no interest in that. (I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, I know it [censored] but you need to make sure you are being real with yourself.)

I just don't understand how anyone can be so stubborn and unwilling to even consider that we could at least be friends if nothing else.

You may never understand her reasons for what she has done or will do. Most of us don't understand WASs at all.

But honestly, would you really want to be friends with your W at this point? There was a point where I wanted to be friends with my H, but then I realized that the real reason was so that I could try to win him back, or so that it would be harder for him to find someone new. What is your reason for wanting to be friends? Could you really ever accept just being her friend, after being M to her? Is she treating you like a friend right now?

[ye21]

“being friends” translates to “not ready to let go”

[Scorp7]

Ye, I agree, I'm not ready yet and our sitch isn't anywhere near being to the point where any mention of being friends or especially working on our M would be taken positively. I was thinking more about how does anyone know when a good time would be?

I just recognize how far I've come and think my W would think my changes are very cool too, the problem is I don't think she really has seen them yet or if she has she doesn't believe they are real or permanent.

Mel, she doesn't seem to have any interest in R at all, but then I don't necessarily believe everything she's saying about that either. I think she doesn't want to do anything to encourage me or give me any hope so she's being as cold and detached as she can be. Believe it or not, my W and I pretty much did share the same brain (pretty incredibly at times) and I still get the feeling that she has feelings for me but she's afraid to ever show that in fear she would be hurt again.

As far as being friends, I think I could be for sure. We're always going to be joined together as parents to our kids and that would be so much easier if we could get along well. She's definitely not treating me as a friend right now. Hopefully given enough time that will change. She's missing out on some very cool changes with me, if she refuses to see them then it's her loss

[keep_going]

Scorp -

This is my first post to you and I apologize for not being completely up to date on your sitch... I just read a few of the latest posts and I also noticed our kids are practically the same ages!

I am three years into my separation now and yes, it took a very long time for me and my H to even be on friendly terms. We were BOTH too hurt and angry... For some time, we barely spoke and at times even only communicated by email.

We are now doing much better. I won't call it a true friendship, but we are always on friendly terms.

My point is that it takes time...and that's ok too.

Both parties need to heal. And yes, our kids are very young and we have a lifetime of activities, events, major decisions and things that will keep our lives intertwined with our spouses in one way or another.

So stay patient. Let your W deal with her emotions and anger. The storm will calm down and hopefully you will then both be open to at least having a healthy co-parenting relationship, if nothing else.
After all, it's the best for the kids...

In the meantime, focus on YOU and your wonderful kids.

Life has given you this precious time where you can focus on those two things, (which are the most important things in your life), without have to worry about your R with your W for the moment.

If you change your perspective to see this time as an opportunity, you can accomplish a lot.
Take advantage of it!

And stay strong!

[keep_going]

I meant to say "having to worry", not "have to worry".