She left - 2

[gogofo]

Thanks for the advice PS.

[Upwards]

Just replied in the Sandi2's 37 rules thread

[gogofo]

When the W and I have conversations and she brings up issues we had I have been validating with phrases like "I understand how you would feel that way".

Sometimes things she brings up raise emotion in me and I have been doing well at only validating her feelings. But sometimes I think I might do better if I validate and then express my point of view about what she said.

For example she keeps bringing up that she never would have left if I had tried or given just an inch. I know this is how she feels but is not what happened. I tried a lot and have examples I would like to point out. I sometimes think a truth bomb is what she needs so she might start to look at things a little differently.

What I don't want to do is make it seem like I am arguing or invalidating her feelings, but I think this is how she would take it. It is difficult to listen to her feelings about things that she has changed the history on.

I just don't know if this is something that I should do or if I am better just listening and validating still. I know if we were in MC she would be prompted to consider my side, but I don't know if I am the one to prompt her.

[ye21]

I just don't know if this is something that I should do or if I am better just listening and validating still. I know if we were in MC she would be prompted to consider my side, but I don't know if I am the one to prompt her.

Think about this....your ego its telling you to go back to the old ways...she is convinced of her idea otherways she wouldnt ask for D, keep your new yourself because if you keep validating she will reach a point where she has to look inside her and realize how she contributed to this situation....if you slip and go back to your old ways she can always say: you see? You are the same,,,your change wasnt real and thats the reason because I left you....

Dont give her reasons to be "right" give her reasons to look at why she is not right...

[ye21]

Look I am waiting for my W, she wanna to meet in person to discuss financial matters...she said at 4, after a few text messages she said: something important came up, sorry for being late I will be there in 1/2 an hour...my ego was telling me to tell her: no! I have other things to do...my new me? Its ok, at least she is communicating and apologizing, you have nothing else to do today so you can wait a little more....
Its all about to switch calmly bro, not to fall in the trap of the ego, if you do then you are interfering and probably later you will regret that decision...

[Barrybran]

Don't stop doing honourable things because of how it affects your wife. How she interprets things is her problem. If you do things to intentionally manipulate her behaviour positively or negatively, it will backfire big time, but if, in the case of your niece's card, you do something selfless with thought only for the recipient, you can be proud of what you've done and your wife will have to deal with her own feelings.

In saying that, validate her at every opportunity, apologise where required and think about how she may react before you do something. As long as your intentions are pure, don't be afraid to do something good for another person just because your wife may have a problem with it.

[gogofo]

Thanks BB that was how I felt when doing the gifts for the nieces and friend. I was motivated by the recipient. I did not second guess myself or have wavering feelings when I did it or even when she confronted me about it. The morning after she was upset I was tired and doubt started to creep in.

I won't stop doing these things as it is what I feel I want to do. If I quit now not only would I let myself down but it would make the W think she was correct, that it was all a game, and I know that she is not my motivation in these actions.

[ye21]

You are doing great gogofo, dont change your new yourself for nobody, just keep doing what you are doing and if she doesnt appreciate that, its her problem.
You did great with the cards and with many other things you have done, its showing that you are mature and thats why her family keeps talking to you

[gogofo]

The W and I had dinner with the kids as a "family" out a restaurant this evening. We had initially planned it earlier in the week as the W and I decided that a week at a time with the kids is too much time to not see them. We were around each other from 5 to 11, quite a while.

Because of reading other advice I know not to see time together like this as any sign of our relationship, so I take it at face value.

We put the kids down and I was expecting to leave when she offered a glass of wine. I accepted, as the night before when I dropped kids off she wanted to talk but the kids schedule, but I told her I was busy and had to leave. We sipped wine and had some small talk, but I just waited for her to bring up the R. I figured that was the reason for asking me if I wanted a drink.

She started talking a little and then basically said that she was definite in knowing what she wanted, she wanted to know what I want. I kind of started in a little about I fell like we could work on us and she took the ball again and kept rolling.

She said things about how I am still her best friend, she does not know if I ever liked her, she does not trust me, she felt trapped, she does not know about the future, she feels she needs to get a D and get her name back and feel set free, she was made that all I gave was and inch (last time she said I gave nothing), she doesn't trust me, she would never come back to the same relation ship or our house (meaning the physical building itself, not the idea of us in a home together), she is furious at how I am taking better care of myself and buying clothes. Basic things like this.

This time she has swayed a little bit and seems a little bit less negative and slightly more "human" for lack of a better term. A couple things of significance she said was that she misses my family and wants to talk to them but does not know what to say to them or how to explain it.

She would be strong about her feelings of ending it in one sentence and then two sentences later she says things like I am her best friend and shows signs of not being so strong in her opinion.

What I did do was STFU and validated, even when I felt like I should have explained myself, etc. I kind of used silence to let her start up and start talking again.

One things she did say was I needed to GAL, which I wanted to say well open your eyes, but I did not need to because she had previously named a lot of the different things she noticed about me. She said them in a negative way and that they make her mad, so I know that she sees someone who is different and is becoming someone she may have the possibility of loving again.

Overall I think it was a good talk. She did test me a couple of times and even said "well what would you say if I went out and got divorce papers tomorrow, would you sign them." I kind of was caught slightly off guard and tried to say that she knows how I feel but if she feels she needs too... I don't know if she got the gist of it but I did not over react or strongly resist what she said.

Her message with the talk tonight was how she felt trapped and did not feel that she was herself. Last talk she was more accusitory of me. She even said this time that she allowed herself to change and not be herself in the relationship. This is the first time she has even alluded to any part of our situation being what she has done. I know she does not believe in my changes and thinks they are temporary and she brought it up a couple of times.

Another big thing she said was that she does not know if she can forgive me, but she knows that one day she will because she cannot hold grudges, even with people who have badly wronged her.

She talked about that tomorrow is three months and that she read not to make any big decisions in a separation before three months, and she said that she hasn't. This did not surprise me to hear that she had some sort of timeline in her head, she always researches things before making decisions. I always thought she had some sort of soft schedule/plan about how or when to think about thing during our separation.

The talk went way differently than I had expected when she started. I figured it was going to be a "how could you do these things to my family, buy them cards etc." She did not even bring it up, I was stunned.

[Barrybran]

Nice. At least you know what to do now. Keep doing what you've been doing so the changes stick. No expectations!