tbm4evr ...continued2

[sandi2]

Thanks Sandi. I wasn't next to her but just sitting on the other end of the couch. I should have stood my ground. I need to stand up to her ...i thought it would piss her off but I can see what you mean by for her to respect me i need to stand up. Can you tell me why she will escalate her disrespect for me and see how far she can push my disrespect button? What good comes out of that ...

First of all, stop fearing that you will piss her off. Women control men (their H's) with their moods. That is why a lot of men get so passive b/c they (the men) don't want to deal with her mood. But that is the wrong direction to take and she sees you being less than a man.

You ask what good comes from her pushing your disrespect button. She is not looking for any particular outcome. It is not some tactic she's doing. She doesn't give a donkey's tail flip about the outcom!. She is reacting to how she feels about you.

When a person completely disrespects another, they don't want to be near them physically, they are not considerate of the,, and they will say and do things out of their disgust toward the other person. If you have ever truly disrespected anyone and they tried to lick your boots.....hoping you would like them better, old human nature usually causes us to be worse toward that person we can't stand.

Women will stay sarcastic remarks.....and if the H just let's it slide, then she will make stronger and nastier remarks.......and if he lets that slide, she will start putting him down in front of the kids, family and friends. Little by little she heaps it up until she can't endure to sit on the same couch with him. She has shown you plenty disrespect, and she has tried to bully you. She does it b/c she can.......and b/c you take it.

You need to.handle it right at that moment. You have to say more than "I won't be disrespected". B/c that's like drawing a line in the sand and she will step over the line just to see what you'll do about it. You don't threthen her or touch her physically. But you tell her in a firm tone of voice that you will sit anywhere you wish in your own home, and if she doesn't like it.....then she can sit some place else. You don't threaten her or try to make her do something or stop doing it, but rather you tell her what you will do. See what I mean? An outward show of disrespect should have some sort of consequences. She should be the one who is concerned about p1ssing you off. Like I told you in a past post, a man doesn't have to be a brute to stand his ground.

It is important that you do this in a manly fashion. Don't get into a p1ssing match or start sounding like you are the b1tch. Depending on the situation, but you may have to get nose to Mose when you say respond. No screaming is necessary. But a low firm voice is necessary. It reminds her you are a man.

If you have not read the book about holding on to your nuts, get ASAP. I think it could help you.

[Scorp7]

Great advice Sandi. I think a lot of men in these situations want so desperately to patch things up with their W's they will take anything that is thrown at them and not respond.

TBM, stay strong, stand up for yourself if she's pushing you too far.

[tbm4evr]

Thanks Sandi and Scorp. I do fear I'm going to piss her off. I will quit it. I mean she wants the D yet kicks me out of our masterbedroom. I told her I want the room and it turns into a big fight so I give in - mind you you this was a month ago. I was going to raise the issue again just to make a point that it's only fair. I hate sleeping in the tiny room with just a bed. Do I raise it again and hold my ground? Or since things seem better leave it be. If she is being nice and respectful to me is this any indication that things are moving in the right direction ...or does it really mean nothing?

[Scorp7]

TBM, I'd say pick your battles. Does it really matter what room you sleep in? As long as she isn't disrespecting you etc then that is more important than what room you sleep in IMO. If she's being nasty to you, name calling etc, I wouldn't say you take that sort of treatment. As Sandi said, you do need to stand up for yourself but I personally wouldn't worry too much about details like who sleeps where.

It may not seem like much but believe me, if she's being nice to you and seems to be respectful that is HUGE. It may not change her decision to continue with the D but it's a start.

[sandi2]

Let me make something very clear. A WAW can be nice and respectful to a stranger, but it doesn't mean she wants him for a H! Stop making it more than it is on those few times she decides to have a better mood. She will be nicer for a few hours, or maybe a couple of days......and you think she's "trying" or putting effort toward the R. She isn't. You must stop allowing this to throw you off balance b/c her mood swings cannot be the bases for the M. The MR won't get better until she ends the A. So don't get your hopes up whenever you have a good evening. Like I said, she can show respect and good manner toward a stranger, so you need to make certain she gives you "at least" as much as a stranger.

It is your decision about the bedroom. But if you decide to take back your bed, just move into the room and get into the bed, or start to get in. She will have a fit, so brace yourself and don't turn tail and run back to the little room. Tell her, "Why should I suffer using the little room? I'm not the one having an A and wanting to break up the family.". She may kick and scream or throw things around the room, but you must just roll over and pretend to go to sleep. Don't react to her anger. Don't tell her she has to respect you? Do not discuss it. Do not get into a R talk, no matter what she says. I

Or you can quote back the statement she made to you for not making introductions.

[tbm4evr]

Sandi ...you are right she isn't trying or putting in an effort to R.

My W went to the gym after work. I text her at the the time our daughter needed to be picked up from gymnastics and just asked her "Are you picking up xx" ...she responded "yes" and I then responded "thanks just wanted to be sure". When they got home daughter says mom said you are so annoying texting her. I then asked her if she said anything else. Daughter then tells me she told mom that "Dad loves you why don't you be nice" and that mom said "its too late ...i asked him to change a long time ago and it doesn't matter now."

I will still focus on GAL and my 180s with how i have behaved before. I know W notices but why she says it's too late, I don't know? I almost hope her having feeling for someone else is the reason because if that ends at least I feel I might have a chance to R. I wish I new for sure if she was in an A ...she says it just "conversation" with this guy but who talks on the phone till 2am with "a friend" or hangs out at the bar with him till 3am. I'm starting to ramble ...just hurts what my daughter told me.

Good night ...tomorrow is a new day.

[unbidden]

Hang in there.

[tbm4evr]

Thanks unbidden ...just feel sick to my stomach ...feel like asking her why she would say something like that to our kid but I'm not saying anything at this point ...don't see what good it would do.

[tbm4evr]

I am thankful for this forum and everyone's feedback. It's been a good place to express my feelings as well as to explain my sitch.

Tonight W says shes going to get home from work early tomorrow so we can "celebrate" our son's birthday with him opening his gifts before she has to leave for a meeting at 645. Then says the meeting is over at 9 but she's going out afterwards with her divorced girlfriend and the other girlfriend who has been in a 3 year affair. I said well on Friday night we are out with your folks and sister for dinner for our son's birthday and we were going to come back here afterwards for cake. She says "oh yeah" can you bake the cake tomorrow night (our boy has nut/egg allergies so we always have to bake it)? I guess I should have kept the peace but I said "huh, why don't you cut your meeting short or cancel your outing with your girlfriends and you can do it - you need to get your priorities straight and I'm not really into baking". She went nuts ..."there you are being manipulative, trying to control me ..i can't wait for the D to be final ..four more months ..." i said you're reading into it too much and she says there you go again telling me what you think im doing. I told her calm down ...i will bake the cake. Was that stupid? Should I have refused and let her figure out what do? I'm having a tough time on the fly trying to figure out how to deal with situations. What kind of bugs me is any W in a healthy M would not be out with girlfriends like that the day before their sons birthday party when a cake needs to be baked - but we're not in a healthy marriage.

[Bunches]

Tbm, I'm not the most experienced but it sounds to me like you are too worried about what your W is doing. I've made this mistake and it brings a lot more worry to your mind than you need. If you didn't want to bake the cake I think it was fine to say but I think you should have stuck to it. Sounds like you folded when she went nuts and I can't say that helps either. From what I've heard, choose carefully when to draw a line in the sand but hold the line if you do.

I can't say I disagree with the comment of control. I could be totally off base, and apologize if I have it wrong but it sounds like you said that because you didn't approve of what she was doing with her time. Not because you didn't have time or want to bake the cake. I think if you can't get your mind off what she is thinking and purely on what you are doing, this space between you can only get bigger or stay the same.