What I see is you trying to make your W behave the way you want her to behave....
Is he? Or is he trying to (and I grant you, it was too immediate and came across as too angry) communicate EXACTLY the same thing Pearlharbr was, only less elegantly? And that is, "W, this is how you need to behave if you want to be with ME, because I value myself too much to keep allowing myself to be treated this way."
It's a fine communication line, but one that's extremely important. I don't think there's hardly ANYTHING wrong with his message . . . only maybe its TIMING and its DELIVERY.
Sorry for my contribution to the meta conversation, dj. I think what we're ALL trying to tell you is to take a breath before sending email blasts like that, and really back and think about what YOU want out of the relationship, and how you might be able to take one more crack (a la Pearlharbr) at seeing if your wife can step up and respond to it.
I was just re-reading the latest posts and I seem to be talking past you, and I didn't mean to.
However underneath that, the core truths remain. Imagine a drug-addicted relative that constantly laments his plight in life and makes excuse after excuse for doing nothing about it despite your repeated attempts to help; it just gets old and at some point you have a right to tell that person exactly how you feel.
I disagree with a couple of things above. Their life is just that....THEIR LIFE. Regardless of your judgement, or how you think they could make it better, or how you think they are wasting it. It's still THEIR choice.
Did you tell her exactly how you feel? Or did you let your anger and hurt mask your true feelings? I think your msg would have been a lot stronger, and truer, had you been calm in the approach.
What I see is you trying to make your W behave the way you want her to behave....you want her to treat you a certain way, live her life a certain way, make choices that you'd make. That isn't going to happen, and is going to just cycle until you are both miserable. And the communication between you two doesn't seem great on top of it.
Ultimately, what you can, and should do, is take control of YOU. You have to decide what kind of person you want to be....and what kind of person you want to have a relationship with. If your W can't or won't be that person, you have the choice to move on.
Did you read those posts from Pearl that Starsky linked? To me, that was exactly where you should be going....define what you want, draw boundaries, and then act on them.
I agree with most (not all) of your points & I have work to do in exactly the areas you mention.
I'm not trying to make her live her life the way I would insomuch as state the horrible way she handled this and how I felt as a result.
For 6+ years she has complained that she can't find a decent job. I offered to:
* Pay for a Life Coach * Suggested she work with a vocational or college counselor * Take an aptitude test to find where her strengths lie * Put a business plan together that I would help refine and fund * Pay for her to return to school or attend vocational training * Work with a recruiter
Nothing.
Instead excuse and 'poor me, I have a BA and I can't find a job, I know it would be better if we lived elsewhere'.
Now she has a crummy job which she hates and basically prevents us from having any sort of social life. In addition to making peanuts & being treated like crap by hotel guests, she will...not...quit and makes excuses for not engaging in a job search in any meaningful way. Every single one of her peers has quit or been fired.
And that's just ONE example.
She is a sweet, beautiful woman, but behaves like someone 18, not 37 years old.
Me: 46 Ex: 38 Married: 10 Together: 12 No Children Separated (again): 09/06/13 Divorced: 02/27/15
Dude, your messages reek with judgment against your W. I can understand why she may not have been cooperating with you. Like the old saying goes-- men need to be admired, women need to be adored. I get that her behavior has been frustrating and largely inexcusable, but like 25mlc says, do you want to be right or kind (and effective)?
Dude, your messages reek with judgment against your W. I can understand why she may not have been cooperating with you. Like the old saying goes-- men need to be admired, women need to be adored. I get that her behavior has been frustrating and largely inexcusable, but like 25mlc says, do you want to be right or kind (and effective)?
I have been kind and supportive to the point of banging my head on the wall.
I don't want a partner that fritters away their lives and complains about their plight the entire time.
But I get your point.
I think the answer is setting clear expectations and being willing to walk if she cannot/will not meet them. That is my next task.
Me: 46 Ex: 38 Married: 10 Together: 12 No Children Separated (again): 09/06/13 Divorced: 02/27/15
I think you should have gone on the trip without her. Imagine the email you could have then sent:
"Hi there, just got back from an amazing trip to Vail. The skiing was incredible.I met a lot of great people out there. I met this one woman in the hot tub the first evening. I skied with her several of the days. She skied incredibly well and showed me a few things. You would have enjoyed meeting her as well. Its to bad you missed out. I look forward to returning there again in the future for more great skiing."
Get a life. Don't let her decisions rule yours.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
It's a fine communication line, but one that's extremely important. I don't think there's hardly ANYTHING wrong with his message . . . only maybe its TIMING and its DELIVERY.
I'm not too far off from you on this one Starsky. I think he absolutely should tell her what he needs in the relationship....but the way he said it, she's not going to hear anything positive or constructive in all that. And I don't think his intention was to draw a boundary....it was to vent his frustration.
But yeah, had he let it sit a day or two, probably would have been able to craft something that was still direct, but less offensive, if that makes sense.
Originally Posted By: Lifes Twists
Get a life. Don't let her decisions rule yours.
dj, this is a serious good point here (and one that took me a long time to get)....but don't think about it in terms of punishing your W. It's not about that at all....it's about living.
