Wants to leave again after a month!!!

[DFE]

So I find myself here again. This time I think it will be shirt lived. I was in piecing because my husband decided to move back home last month. We were starting to reconnect in little baby steps. Small baby steps. One fight and BAM he wants a divorce. I tried telling him we haven't even given it a chance but he says he feels like a bird in a cage. This will be the 4 th time he's done this 3rd time in a year and a half.

Why did he come back? I had gotten used to the idea of him not being here. Now I am back to square one. I've tried reasoning with him. I asked him to be sure this is 100 % what he wants but he lost it.

He said how else do I need to tell you I am no longer attracted to you. What do you say to that? I'm a petite attractive girl. I take care of my body and appearance. Most people say I am pretty hot so his comments don't really bother me. I know it's because we have no emotional connection.

What do I do? Just close this chapter regardless of what an effect it will have on my home life, kids, and the business we own together? I want him to go to a marriage retreat with me but he is ready to kill me every time I speak. I don't blame him. I'm a loser. Who wants to be with someone that doesn't value them?

Just looking for advise.

[tough spot]

Wow. That sounds like a rocky road indeed. I don't know you but I can't say I like you saying that you are a loser! Anyone who tries isn't a loser. It is the not trying that is the coward's way.

I don't know near enough of your situation to offer advice, I am more responding so that you know someone hears your pain and you aren't alone.

Since I just stated I don't know enough to offer advice, I will now offer some advice Individual counseling is where I would start.

[DFE]

Thank you. Support is huge right now. I've tried tons of IC but my last counselor basically said you are wasting your money here.

I wish I could get him to go to counseling as I know there are anger issues that need to be dealt with. I wish we had tried it when he first came back. Tonight was explosive. Not sure how to talk to him anymore after tonight. I want to keep him in the house as long as I can but don't know how. He's been wanting to take a trip and I thought suggesting he goes for a week or so just to cool down.

My brain says stop being a doormat. My heart says there is too much at stake.

[tough spot]

Are there drugs or alcohol in this relationship? Or any addicts within your families? Being in recovery myself whenever I hear about odd situations like this it is the first thing that comes to mind.

Have you ever talked about/done any reading on codependency?

[Rick1963]

Sorry that you find yourself back here. When I read your brief all I see is that you don't think much about yourself. Am I off? You have been here for a while. Do you really believe that one fight did it? Is there op? Or did you revert to old behaviors?

[MrBond]

"I'm a loser. Who wants to be with someone that doesn't value them? "

Why on earth would you think that? You stayed and fought for your M. That makes you 100 times more valuable than him. Start valuing yourself and stop letting his negativity get to you. Start telling him off for a change and show that he can't control you.

[DFE]

Thanks Mr Bond. I needed that but it will take me a long time to start valuing myself again.

So last night was a bad night. We had a rough talk during the day where I asked him if he was 100% sure this is what he wanted. Well that spiraled down a nasty dirty path.

Last night I went out with a friend. Had way too much to drink mixed with the Xanax I had taken earlier it was a recipe for disaster. I came home to tell him he should take a trip. A breather and come back and we can work out the details. Well when he rolled his eyes at me and basically told me to f off I lost it. 1.5 hours later our kids woke up from my yelling and that's where it ended.

Today he sent me an email saying he is done with me. He tried to be nice and do it in a friendly manner but I have forced him to fight. He said obtain an attorney because that's what I am doing.
he also said to decide if I am leaving or if he is and it must be done today.

It crushed me. I sent him an email just telling him that i didn't want to fight. I loved him and it hurt me that we had to close this chapter of our lives but i couldn't force him to stay or love me. I wanted to do it without attorney's. He never responded.

What do i do? Just let him walk out the door when he only came back a month ago? We haven't had a chance to work on anything but I can't stop him from running. I am so devastated and crushed for my family. I love him despite all that has happened because for some sick reason i think he still loves me underneath all the anger and hurt he is carrying around.

I miss him and he hasn't even left yet. How do I get through to someone who is so resentful right now. How do I get him to stick around long enough for me to DB a little and get back to where we were a few weeks ago? HELP I am lost.

[Starsky309]

He said obtain an attorney because that's what I am doing.

I would begin by taking this part seriously. If this is indeed the 4th time he's done this, you should probably consider this ANYWAY.

My advice would be a good IC, to try to get to the root of maybe some co-dependency issues on your own part which would cause you to keep putting up with this. Is this really a man of quality with whom you want to remain?

Starsky

[Scorp7]

DFE, I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling. I too have felt lost trying to do anything I possibly could to save my family while my W seems very happy to just D and move on with her life. My W also seems very resentful and angry. When someone is angry they don't tend to act rationally so the best thing you can do is give them time and space.

From what you have said so far it seems the best thing to do would be to just let your H cool off, take care of yourself and give things a chance to settle down. It would be a good idea to read or re-read the DB/DR books and review Sandi's 37 rules.

It is very easy to feel lost and hopeless but one thing I've told myself on a daily basis is that no matter how bad things can seem today anything is possible tomorrow.

It's been said a 1000 times on these forums but the best advice I think for any LBS is to work on YOU. Make yourself the best you can be, a spouse that anyone would be crazy to leave. It takes a LOT of work and strength but if you've been fighting this hard for your M you obviously are a strong person, you can do it!

[gogofo]

Along with this ^^^, my opinion is to work on yourself, it is an absolute must. Not trying to be a downer but this is your only move. You need to rediscover your self worth independent of your husband and the marriage. This way you will be good no matter the outcome. Unfortunately there are only two ways out of our situations and being strong and believing in your self will help in both outcomes.

I understand how hard it is to work on yourself. Once I got going it truly seemed to make a difference.