Here again, afraid it may be too little too late

[lost18]

So I'm out with my d15 for an appt and lunch and the whole way home I'm trying not to break down. How do you keep yourself from thinking about your S's future without you in it? or any other negative, emotion consuming thoughts?

J

[ye21]

By accepting that the situation is this one right now and nothing you do or say can change it in this exact moment.

[lost18]

Trying to keep busy but not having alot of success. The only thing I have going for me is H is not around to see me at my worst. A friend did come over yesterday and I went out for a little while to see another friend who is in town. It's nice when I don't think about the sitch at all. That doesn't happen too often.

Haven't been in contact with H since Monday which is difficult but I know it has to happen. He is at least keeping in better contact with the girls. Maybe he is feeling less guilty since time has passed.

Supposed to be headed out of town today, don't really want to go but it is better than sitting around moping!

[melissag]

How do you keep yourself from thinking about your S's future without you in it?

You recognize that those kinds of thoughts are not helping you, bur hurting you. You accept that you cannot control what your H does, only what you do. So you think instead about what you want for your future (that has nothing to do with your H), and you start doing things to get there.

[lost18]

Pretty rough weekend. The girls and I did go out of town, went to watch girls we know play college softball, dinner with spent the night with friends we haven't seen in a long time. And more softball. Just couldn't get the pit out of my stomach. Tried not to lose it in front of kids on the 3hr drive home....managed until I got home, told them I wasn't feeling well and went to my room and lost it. I am trying to keep it together for them, promised d15 I would take her shopping today.

I know I need to GAL and do things for me and time is my friend to make me feel better. It's just very difficult some times because I do just really miss talking to him. Kids go back to school tomorrow, going to try to get some sort of exercise routine going.

[lost18]

Not much new, seem to be on that upward ride again. Saw C today and she gave me some tips on stopping the negative thoughts. She also seems to think that H is emotionally abusive, not sure I agree with that in general but feel like he is being now. He def has to control everything, which we've often argued about.

My head is telling me to give up, my heart still wants to work it out. I guess only time will tell, in the meantime I know what I need to do, just a matter of doing it consistently.

J

[lost18]

Just checking in. Am actually doing pretty well. I have finally figured out something I already knew! Action speaks louder than words. Of course we all know this, but in order to break down my H's walls I have to REALLY take action! By that I mean taking an inventory of myself and doing things that I may not like doing, or think I'm not good at, and do them anyway. I'm not saying that I will be doing anything that goes against my moral compass! There are things that I've known all along that I should do, feel good when they are done but hate doing them...these things have been a big part of our issues.

I feel like I'm over that beginning phase of not being able to function and wanting to cry all of the time. Still worried it may be too little too late, BUT I heard something the other day that really clicked: If you want to save your marriage you have to believe that you can! That is hard to do sometimes but it makes sense.

J

[lost18]

Is time on my side or working against me? My IC, who does not know DB is concerned that the distance and time without communication could be working against me? It makes sense...thoughts?

J

[artsy]

When was BD?

I tried looking through your thread but don't see it.

I think the NC is tricky. For me, it doesn't seem to matter. If I contact first, he will respond immediately. If I disappear, he'll find an excuse for contact in a few days or so. But our face-to-face interactions are the same, regardless. We have a very cordial/friendly R right now. Even after a blow-up like we had on Friday, he's right back to cordial/friendly.

I bring this up because it's going to depend on your sitch. I don't think it will make things better, in and of itself. It may not do damage, but it most likely won't help. I don't think he's sitting over there wishing you would call. It may push him further. That's the problem...you don't know. BUT, maybe try it and see. If it backfires, don't do it any more.

Hang in there.

[lost18]

I'm in a different sitch. My H has been working overseas for years, only home a couple times a year for a few weeks. Had a good time last summer on vacation but after that we became distant. (around Oct) We used to talk almost everyday and went to talking every other or every few days. I knew something was off but didn't address it. He said he wasn't feeling well, I was lonely, blah blah blah.

When he came home in Feb things def were not right. We didn't do things together, he barely touched me, no sex at all. When he told me he was going to file for D I was not completely shocked, but completely heartbroken. After being home for a week and a half he told me on Monday 2/10 and I dropped him at the airport on Friday 2/14. Pretty sure he went and spent the weekend with someone that weekend.

I did send a couple of emails when he first left which he did not respond to. It was a couple of weeks after he left before we had any contact and I am always the one to initiate. Almost all contact is regarding "business," bills, taxes etc. Anything that is personal gets no response, I've only sent one personal email since the first few days.

When we talk there is very little small talk if any at all. The other day I sent him a text that simply said "thanks :)" ( he had transferred me extra $$) and he did not respond at all. It is very hurtful after 17+ years of M he has shut me out.

I guess I'm concerned because other than not talking to me his life has not changed. He's been away from his family and home for 6 years. I am almost 100% sure there is an OW so he is talking to someone that is filling (for now) his emotional needs.

I know there is really no answer to my question but wondering if NC and the distance is helping or hurting my sitch. And try as I might I can't get into his head!