I guess then you get into filing strategy. D may be what W thinks she wants, until it happens. And W is in for a major dose of financial reality. And it would validate every bad thing she ever said about me - "See, I knew you never loved me."
Bet it scares the crap out of OM. The pressure would be on him to rescue her.
Of course, it really isn't a strategy, is it. I have to file with full intent of following through, with a small chance of upside. And would I want W back under duress of filing? Can't ever see restoring trust there.
Of course, it really isn't a strategy, is it. I have to file with full intent of following through, with a small chance of upside. And would I want W back under duress of filing? Can't ever see restoring trust there.
You are absolutely correct here. This can't be some gambit; you have to really be DONE with the marriage. I was when I filed, and ultimately it helped (combined with other factors, such as my own improvements and her ending her affair) to jolt my wife back toward our marriage, but that WAS not why I did it, nor COULD it be. My family was way too important to me for me to use them as chess pieces, and I can tell that yours is to you, too.
So what does she stand to lose by continuing the A? She gets all her needs met and has no consequences, plus has her H waiting patiently until she decides to end things with OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So what does she stand to lose by continuing the A? She gets all her needs met and has no consequences, plus has her H waiting patiently until she decides to end things with OM.
I'm glad Sandi brought this up, because it reminded me of something I wanted to say.
While I strongly advocate a betrayed spouse set an INTERNAL deadline (how long they are willing to "stand" for their marriage, before they made the difficult decision of having to file for divorce), I never EVER recommend that you actually COMMUNICATE that deadline to a cheating spouse!
Because if you say "Look, I'll give this six months because I love you and I don't a divorce!" then I guar-an-damn-tee you that they think you've just given them 5 months and 29 days to continue their affair, at which point they will then promise you the MOON AND THE STARS to "not do anything rash!" or some such.
It's like telling the terrorist guerrillas on what date you're gonna withdraw the troops.
A betrayed spouse who has decided to stand for their marriage for a finite period, so that their cheating spouse can see their changes and hopefully come to their senses, should ONLY say something to the cheater like "I hope you'll decide very soon, because I can't do this much longer." (or something similar)
So what does she stand to lose by continuing the A? She gets all her needs met and has no consequences, plus has her H waiting patiently until she decides to end things with OM.
I completely agree with what you are saying. This is the perfect cake eating situation. I've been stuck at this point since the A resumed a few weeks back. I feel every bit as neutered as it appears.
As I see it: - I can ask her to give up OM and commit to MC. - she will say no. - I can then ask her to leave bedroom/house, whatever. - she will say no. - At that point, I can file. - that will make it very real. Maybe it will snap her into reality, but the plan can't depend on that and rightly so.
I could be ready to file in a month, and I could carry through with it to the end. I would wonder if things would have been different had I waited for A to end "naturally", whatever that means, but I could probably live with it. I think 2 months might be a lower bound.
I agree that if say 6 months down the road there is status quo, then there is no chance she'll ever respect me after letting this run that long, and I'd be a fool to waste any more of my time. Leaving at that point would be financially better for everyone, and I will have had the summer with the kids.
I have to check to fully understand the implications of filing first. My assumption is that it is not in my favor. I'll be a man abandoning his wife and children.
So the questions are: - is there any hope that this will change within next 6 months by DB alone? She's still conflicted, but there's no pressure and sleeping pills solve that problem.
- is there any other way for her to feel consequences? If I were to kick her out of the marital bed, would that be a jolt enough to make her think that maybe I wouldn't sit it out to a time of her choosing? Might make her rethink her options. What's the downside?
- I could do non DB things, like bomb OM's M, which is apparently in name only. Hey, OM's W might be a good collaborator. W thinks I won't do that because it would make OM available.
- Can't do anything that looks punitive in the eyes of the court.
So short of making an assertive exit plan that has me filing unless conditions are met (which I am putting together to be triggered between say 2 and 6 months hence if nothing changes) is there anything else to be done?
While I strongly advocate a betrayed spouse set an INTERNAL deadline (how long they are willing to "stand" for their marriage, before they made the difficult decision of having to file for divorce), I never EVER recommend that you actually COMMUNICATE that deadline to a cheating spouse!
Of course. Something my W and I agree on is never threaten unless you are going to follow through. If I pull the trigger, I'd be looking for a Y/N answer to "are you ready to quit A and commit to fixing M from this day forward". If I didn't get a yes, I be looking to file the next day.
Nope, no lack of balls there. Once I launch that ship, she'd have to be damned convincing to stop it.
Zew, I think you, me and several other LBH's on here are in the same situation. If I was on the outside looking in, I think it would be easy to say we need to tell our WAW's to end A or we will no longer be friends with them, will file for D, etc. I can't imagine telling a friend to stick with it if I knew their W was having an A. But like you mentioned, unless you're 100% prepared for W's potential response, it could be a risky move.
I've gone back and forth on this issue for the past couple weeks. Because my W is not open with her OM relationship, it's hard for me to tell if she's taking the steps to end A or not. Whether she's truly giving us a shot (as she claims) or just cake eating.
I wish you the best and will continue to follow your journey!
If I was on the outside looking in, I think it would be easy to say we need to tell our WAW's to end A or we will no longer be friends with them, will file for D, etc.
Well I don't think telling them you won't be friends has any impact. She doesn't want to be my friend most of the time. And when she is friendly, like tonight, when she asked me how my day at work was, I think it is just to keep me happily strung along. She bought me another muffin for work today too. That used to mean a lot to me, but I think she bought it yesterday on way home from banging OM.
And as for telling them we will file for D, I'm with Yoda on this one - D or D not, there is no tell. Deeds, not words.
Still the only thing I can come up with short of filing is kicking her out of the bedroom.
As for this:
Quote:
Because my W is not open with her OM relationship, it's hard for me to tell if she's taking the steps to end A or not. Whether she's truly giving us a shot (as she claims) or just cake eating.
If she's told you she's going to end the OM relationship, you should insist on writing the NC text with her, and being copied on it when she sends it.
My W will do nice things like buy me something specific at the grocery or plan meals for me when she's gone. It's hard to tell if those actions are genuine or just to string us along while they cake eat
I struggle with finding things short of filing as well. My W is already away from the house 3 days a week and only comes back so that she can see the kids. She's recently come back to the bed, but I don't know how much that is just not wanting to sleep on the couch anymore.
[/quote] If she's told you she's going to end the OM relationship, you should insist on writing the NC text with her, and being copied on it when she sends it.[/quote]
She just told me she was 'trying' not to contact him as much. A pretty vague statement and I guess I should have used that opportunity as my opening to state my boundary. I want to bring it up again, but fear that comes across as pressure.
