For those who have 'drawn a line in the sand'...

[newton0]

Definitely sounds like you are trying to control her. To give the relationship another go would take a leap of faith on both your parts. For her to quit her job, man, that's asking a lot don't you think? You have an awful lot of expectations, and if you guys aren't even talking about the serious stuff, every one of those expectations is setting you up for disappointment.

I would agree with that, however SHE made the reservations well over a month ago knowing full-well they were non-refundable.

Yes it's a lot to ask her to quit her job, but I think a reasonable, mature person would at the very least, been pragmatic about this and addressed it proactively; not wait until the last minute.

I even offered to support her if she used this as a catalyst to find a job she at least likes, but she countered with her old tropes about not feeling secure with me. I've done nothing but give her all the flexibility and support one could ask for under such a situation. I think most would have thrown in the towel by now & said GTFO.

And still no contact from her. It's hard for me not to be angry/hurt/disappointed, but I am trying.

This is what I sent her the day after she told me she wasn't going. My therapist said it was mainly just emotional venting & most likely caused her to 'shut-down'. It's a bit harsh, but it is how I felt/feel.

*****************************

Annie, I am so profoundly disappointed in you I'm literally sick to my stomach.

You had over a month to sort this out, and given that you made the reservations
in the first place, and KNEW they were non-refundable, essentially deceived me
by implying there would be no issues. Imagine how you'd feel if, two days before
we were supposed to leave for Cancun, I said I 'couldn't' go.

You'd be devastated.

And in usual Annie form, you waited until the last minute to approach your
manager, knowing all along there wasn't a chance in hell they were going to say
'yes', regardless of whether they were short-staffed or not.

As usual, you made the decision by a process of talking to your friends, and I'm
guessing your mom, but not discussing it with the person you should have; me.
How do you think that makes me feel? But this is your modus operandi, and it
always has been. You avoid proactively and maturely dealing with situations.

The day you made the reservations I emailed Kevin & John and others at my company
letting them know my plans.

When I tried talking with you yesterday, as usual, you got mad and defensive and
rambled off a litany of excuses in an attempt to deny culpability for the fact
that you screwed-up, big time.

What difference would rescheduling the trip another week make? You still
wouldn't be able to take vacation, and they'd still likely be short-staffed. It
was a half-assed attempt to make it seem like you were trying to find a
solution. Now if you had come to me with a concrete plan such as "if we can
reschedule for April xx, I can take time off without pay", that would have been
bad, but at least a viable solution. It would have shown me you were making a
mature, considerate effort, as any decent, caring person would have done.

Ironically and sadly, you talk about the same old crap you've been saying for
the last eight years when I suggested you quit; 'I'll be mean if things don't go
my way & you have no security if you have no job." I hate to say it to you, but
you have no job security as it is. They will flush you for any reason that suits
them without hesitation and get some other stooge to replace you. You have way
more security through me than you will ever have through the Renaissance.

But these are things you can't stand hearing and cannot or will not accept. I
cannot have a reasonable, mature discussion with you about anything really, that
in any way, shape or form makes you accountable for anything.

Seven months you have been gone now, and you have done accomplished nothing to
improve your life and address the problems that you need help resolving. You
have no goal, plans or intent of doing these things. I have been in therapy for
almost a year now, and I've been imploring you to talk to a counselor about your
issues including depression, and also see a life counselor to do something
constructive with your life & you've done absolutely nothing except make
excuses.

I tried very hard to make Cancun as enjoyable for you as possible. You know that
I went there as part of the deal that we would go to Vail as I wasn't all that
interested. I honestly feel like you took advantage of me.

It's going to take some time to process this and I'm sure you'll get angry at me
over what I have said, but I feel better that I got this off my chest.

You need to grow-up Annie.

Unless you make some serious changes in your life, there is no future for us. I
have been trying since you left, and in my mind, this event was an enormous
setback in any forward progress we had been making.