Thank you all for stopping by and for your thoughts.
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what if you sent back "miss you and love you too" ??? ITs an honest statement, isn't it?
Magic, you know, sending something like that did not even occur to me. What does that say I wonder? You are right, it is an option. Yet, I don't know if that would be completely honest. Or maybe I am just not that brave.
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In my opinion, which is just how I see things, is that if he truly missed you, he would be in contact w/you more often and be making an effort to stay in touch w/you. It appears that he only comes out to play at a holiday or special event or when he has a moment of clarity.
Job, I could not agree with this more. And because of the mis-match between the words and the actions, I find it challenging to respond. My sincerity versus his "just throwing it out there"
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What I do think he misses is your being readily available to listen to his life's story and what's going on his life.
Well, I DO agree but I also would like to think that there are things about ME that he misses, too. LOL, maybe my warm and fuzzy personality?
FY, I had some difficulty understanding your post, so if I have got this wrong, I apologize.
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"I don't trust his words"
What does this mean?
That means I do not trust him. Actions speak louder than words, words are easy. Bea hit the nail on the head:
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I understand why you do not trust his words - they might mean something to him, but what you are actually looking for is in fact a follow up imho!
If I recall FY, your W was not involved in an A. To those of us who were betrayed and blindsided by our partners we know exactly how those words are used as manipulation. We trust that they mean what they say. Until we find out that the words are lies - you don't cheat on someone you love.
In fact, if I understand your post correctly, you actually answer that question:
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That you are trying to ascribe your meaning to his words, and it doesn’t line up with what you believe he feels?
His words are HIS words. Who knows why he choose them. Certainly none of us. ILY obviously means something to him or he would not have said it. Worst case is he’s just fishing to see if you’re still there.
Isn't that the crux of it? If he didn't choose those words for any other reason than to ascribe the ordinary meaning to them, then that is manipulative. What reason do I have to trust his words if there are worlds of meaning behind his words? And the lack of follow-up sure doesn't make me trust his words.
To me, trusting someone's words is to trust that I can take words at face value.
Does that explain better?
Job also explains it well:
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I'm sorry that he appears to be stuck in his own little world. Sometimes when they say ILY or miss you, it's said "off the cuff" and really doesn't have the same meaning to them as it would to us.
Job, strangely enough, it is really OK. Cadet posts that we are given the gift of time and for the first time, I am glad for the time - to focus on me and the things that I would like to accomplish. When I try to look at my situation as an outsider, he does appear stuck.
And although I agree with FY, at some level I am still there for him, I have also let go of any outcomes involving him. And that has helped me to move forward.
Bright, thank you for stopping by! I agree, replying by text is hard. But I am not at all comfortable enough to phone him, especially since we have not actually spoken in a very long time. At this point, he must take the initiative. I know you are having similar challenges. Those words should mean something, as they do to us, but I don't think they mean much to him or at least not enough to actually DO anything.
His card arrived in the mail. I took one last crack at saying thank you...and I put in an "I miss you". It is the truth. Saying it to him made me feel very vulnerable - nothing to do with expectations of a reply, but because I stepped out of my comfort zone.
As Bright said, time will tell.
I will stop talking now, this is a bloody long post!
