I was hoping I could ask you to humour me a bit here.
If any of you have been reading my threads, you will know that I believe in that "sixth sense". I believe we all have one, even if it operates differently for each person.
I recieved a text from Skippy - just a one liner joke. This is within two weeks of the last text. I was surprised to see the text but strangely did not have any emotional reaction to it. I may be on his mind because my BD is this month.
I can't explain it, but I feel a phone call coming on.
Which got me thinking.
I will never be a diplomat or a politician. I like the truth and I tend to tell it like it is. I am working on being a little less blunt.
Not that I think this is going to happen, but I was wondering how any of you handled the "I miss yous" or "I love yous" at a point where you were not sure you still loved or missed the person telling you that. I would not want to be unkind, but would not lie, either.
Again, I am not at all expecting that conversation, but in trying to improve those communication skills, it occurred to me that I would have no idea how to respond. A thousand years ago (maybe slightly less) when that did happen, I remember not saying anything at all.
I would be interested to hear how others handled it or would handle it.
I'd ask for clarification, or make a joke about it... depending on the manner the comment was delivered and/or what mood I was in at the time. I too favor the truth.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Portia - one thing that I have learned with MLCers is to see if there is what I call 'follow through' They do have moments of clarity, and say this stuff, but the important thing is What are they going to do about it.
So the straight answer (for me) to the miss you/love you is simply "hmmmmm so what are you going to do about it?"
if it MLC they have seldom thought this far!! If they are genuinely feeling for where you are it poses a very clear question. And a big hint that something might be expected!
One of my "goals" very early on was to work on being more open and responsive with my feelings. One of the "valid" complaints my SO had about me was that I did not readily answer the ILYs. My family was so not affectionate and his was, but I thought this was something I could work on.
Of course, I won't point out the obvious that words turned out not too mean all that much ILY but I am screwing around and lying to you kinda negates the words.
I did think that being able to reciprocate better would be a good skill to have for my next relationship. I did not expect it from Skippy. But I did think something was up.
And, as I have been warned, they do like to come out to play during holidays - my BD in this case.
I received a text wishing my a happy BD and an ILY and miss you.
I do not trust those words at face value, even though I was surprised they were said.
Sigh, the thing is I still did not know how to respond to them, so while I replied/texted thanks and a few other things, I ignored those words. But I don't quite feel right about doing so. Not because I think they mean anything but because if I am working on my "softer side" (for anyone), they should not just be ignored or at least I don't think so.
FY and Bea, I appreciated your suggestions. I tried to think of a funny way to respond but couldn't and Bea, that response did not seem to fit the circumstances (although the thought sure did cross my mind!) but I was glad for perspectives other than my own.
I don't trust his words but it seems very "old Portia" to ignore them. I am so not good at this bit!
what if you sent back "miss you and love you too" ??? ITs an honest statement, isn't it?
Then you can see if he wants to follow it up with any actions.
I love hearing those words....
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Portia, It was nice that he remembered your birthday and you responded back. Maybe you could have said thanks for the well wishes and I miss you too. It would have been simple, but a true response.
In my opinion, which is just how I see things, is that if he truly missed you, he would be in contact w/you more often and be making an effort to stay in touch w/you. It appears that he only comes out to play at a holiday or special event or when he has a moment of clarity. What I do think he misses is your being readily available to listen to his life's story and what's going on his life.
I'm sorry that he appears to be stuck in his own little world. Sometimes when they say ILY or miss you, it's said "off the cuff" and really doesn't have the same meaning to them as it would to us.
You'll get the hang of things as you continue to walk the path on your own journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That you are trying to ascribe your meaning to his words, and it doesn’t line up with what you believe he feels?
His words are HIS words. Who knows why he choose them. Certainly none of us. ILY obviously means something to him or he would not have said it. Worst case is he’s just fishing to see if you’re still there.
And the truth is Portia, at some level you kinda are.
So, if one of your goals is to work on being more open and responsive with your feelings, then why not just respond from that place? State exactly how you feel, no beating around the bush, no worrying about what you say. Whatever happens, happens.
Nothing is more important than being true to ourselves. It also happens that almost nothing is more attractive.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Could you not say 'thanks for the thought. Does it change anything?' I understand why you do not trust his words - they might mean something to him, but what you are actually looking for is in fact a follow up imho!
I would not know how to answer the “I miss you” or “I love you” right now. I guess I would ignore that too, if it would be in the text. If it would be in person, I would probably say that it is very nice to hear that. And, depending on the situation I would probably say “I miss you too”, because I do still miss H.
I would not disregard the importance of him saying these words. This should mean something to him. I know that my H would not say these words even if he felt like it, unless he would be thinking about making some moves. MLCer are normally on a high alert to not say something like that.
Maybe Smokey is just starting to test the waters, who knows. Maybe he wants to see if he will not be rejected by you. I think he is up to something, you just have to wait and see.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you all for stopping by and for your thoughts.
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what if you sent back "miss you and love you too" ??? ITs an honest statement, isn't it?
Magic, you know, sending something like that did not even occur to me. What does that say I wonder? You are right, it is an option. Yet, I don't know if that would be completely honest. Or maybe I am just not that brave.
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In my opinion, which is just how I see things, is that if he truly missed you, he would be in contact w/you more often and be making an effort to stay in touch w/you. It appears that he only comes out to play at a holiday or special event or when he has a moment of clarity.
Job, I could not agree with this more. And because of the mis-match between the words and the actions, I find it challenging to respond. My sincerity versus his "just throwing it out there"
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What I do think he misses is your being readily available to listen to his life's story and what's going on his life.
Well, I DO agree but I also would like to think that there are things about ME that he misses, too. LOL, maybe my warm and fuzzy personality?
FY, I had some difficulty understanding your post, so if I have got this wrong, I apologize.
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"I don't trust his words"
What does this mean?
That means I do not trust him. Actions speak louder than words, words are easy. Bea hit the nail on the head:
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I understand why you do not trust his words - they might mean something to him, but what you are actually looking for is in fact a follow up imho!
If I recall FY, your W was not involved in an A. To those of us who were betrayed and blindsided by our partners we know exactly how those words are used as manipulation. We trust that they mean what they say. Until we find out that the words are lies - you don't cheat on someone you love.
In fact, if I understand your post correctly, you actually answer that question:
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That you are trying to ascribe your meaning to his words, and it doesn’t line up with what you believe he feels?
His words are HIS words. Who knows why he choose them. Certainly none of us. ILY obviously means something to him or he would not have said it. Worst case is he’s just fishing to see if you’re still there.
Isn't that the crux of it? If he didn't choose those words for any other reason than to ascribe the ordinary meaning to them, then that is manipulative. What reason do I have to trust his words if there are worlds of meaning behind his words? And the lack of follow-up sure doesn't make me trust his words.
To me, trusting someone's words is to trust that I can take words at face value.
Does that explain better?
Job also explains it well:
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I'm sorry that he appears to be stuck in his own little world. Sometimes when they say ILY or miss you, it's said "off the cuff" and really doesn't have the same meaning to them as it would to us.
Job, strangely enough, it is really OK. Cadet posts that we are given the gift of time and for the first time, I am glad for the time - to focus on me and the things that I would like to accomplish. When I try to look at my situation as an outsider, he does appear stuck.
And although I agree with FY, at some level I am still there for him, I have also let go of any outcomes involving him. And that has helped me to move forward.
Bright, thank you for stopping by! I agree, replying by text is hard. But I am not at all comfortable enough to phone him, especially since we have not actually spoken in a very long time. At this point, he must take the initiative. I know you are having similar challenges. Those words should mean something, as they do to us, but I don't think they mean much to him or at least not enough to actually DO anything.
His card arrived in the mail. I took one last crack at saying thank you...and I put in an "I miss you". It is the truth. Saying it to him made me feel very vulnerable - nothing to do with expectations of a reply, but because I stepped out of my comfort zone.
As Bright said, time will tell.
I will stop talking now, this is a bloody long post!
