Thanks for making me a fighter...

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks Beatrice and AJ.

That is what is so disturbing. I don't want H back. I want my family, but H is just baggage that makes the load unbearable. Why do I care about him remarrying this OW? I know it will happen because H will want to "take care" of her. At least for a while.

I think the "mom" thing is what got me spinning. Until I stepped back and really looked at everything. S will never call her mom and D won't either. I was a stepmom and it is NOT easy. NOT AT ALL. There is major resentment. I remember H telling me he wanted me and SS to have a real mother/son connection like I have with S. I explained to H at the time that cannot and will not happen. SS has a mom that he loves very much and no matter how hard H wills it to happen, SS will never replace his mom with me and he shouldn't be expected to. I will never be more than an aunt figure to him. See how far this goes back? I am talking from when S was a toddler. H wanted me to replace his XW in every way, shape and form because he was still holding on to all that bitterness from that marriage. Now history is repeating itself. But I guess the harder H pushes the issue, the more pushback he will get from the kids.

I think H holds a lot of animosity toward me for not being a better stepmom. He blames me for his relationship with SS going down the toilet. He blames me for his relationship with his own family and mom going down the toilet. Little does he know that what he did (and continues to do) to me only pushes certain members of his family further away because he is making wrong choices like he did when he was in his early 20s. My SIL said he behaved differently only when he and I were together and now he is acting like she remembers him acting when he was younger.

So maybe I was not in love with H, but what H was trying to be and could not continue being? Maybe he honestly tried to be a better person but just couldn't keep up the facade any longer? Does it really matter? Does anybody really know what time it is? (Sorry, had to throw that in there).

H called me last night and asked me to run over to the house and let the dog out because he was "with clients". This morning he called and asked me to write a note to D's teacher so she could ride the bus home since she has dress rehearsal for her play tonight. So I guess he's nice as long as he wants something.

WH