I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

Link to first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2436303#Post2436303

Of course, you two are right. He would have seen it as fake again.

It has been 1 month since BD and I feel like we have gotten nowhere except that he has been making sure I know he isn't in this anymore.

After the thing with our son last night, I walked away and composed myself. Then returned to the living room to take care of the littlest. I told H the booster seat he ordered for S would be here Friday. S got all excited about it. I made a remark (in jest) that he was going to be the 'fun' parent while I was the 'safe' parent. H looked at me and said something like 'Everything's not your way only anymore, eh?' I looked at him and looked away. I didn't respond. He then said 'Hey, I didn't to upset you...plus, I will never be the fun parent....and if I am, you will always know they love you more.' I didn't respond to that either.

I am not sure which road to take next. I would say I have come a little ways in the acceptance and detach phase. I know I am nowhere near as far as I need to be but I can tell I am moving in that direction.

Rings are off of both of us. I cried when I took mine off but I know he saw it as me holding onto hope and that is something he has stressed that I need to let go of.

He is still here. As far as I know he has no plans of moving right now. His options are slim but there are options.

He knows I know about his friend. He says there is nothing going on. He says she has a boyfriend and they are just friends. (she is in a long distance relationship) He either can't or refuses to recognize his emotional attachment to the thrill of someone fawning all over him. She is like 'one of the guys' in that they talk about basketball, running, and school. She is even part of the group that meets up and plays basketball after class a few days a week. At this point, he spends more time talking to and being around her than he does me. She is in all of his classes and even his clinical group.

The funny thing? I'm meh about it. I know it's one of those relationships that wouldn't work out in the long run.

So, I need to pick my road. After reading how happy he was one month after he came home last time: Dec 22, 2009 - "thinks he loves his new wife. It wasn't supposed to happen, but I think I'll stay married a bit longer " I thought I should channel how things were back then and try to recreate that time in our marriage. Problem is, I don't really know if that is what I should do now. It goes against all of Sandy's rules and I'm afraid it will push him away. We spent time together and we put the kids to bed early so we had lots of intimacy. He had more of a life outside of the home. Things were easy going and we were flowing nicely between parents/lovers/friends.

I just feel stagnant and resigned to my fate. I have good hours and bad hours. I am at the point where I just don't want to care anymore because I am tired of hurting. I like it better when he is gone so I don't have to think about anything.