I have a very heightened awareness that my current state of mind and situation is dangerous and toxic for my health and happiness. However, I don't know if I can get my H to change and develop empathy. I have been researching to learn if lack-of-empathy is a genetically inherited personality trait or whether it's a learned attribute. If its genetically inherited, then I may be fighting a losing battle because it will be impossible to change my H. However, if it is a learned trait, then I'll have to work on making him unlearn this thoughtless mindset. What's your opinion?
"You both seem to have reached a point where you're toxic to each other."
This is so true! Matter of fact it's the above realization that has forced me to vent my bottled-up feelings of despair and hopelessness in this forum. I am struggling with not being able to make a decision about what I should do to extricate myself from this state of misery. Do I leave my H or do I work on him: this is a million $ answer I am trying to find.
Kids are young adults and therefore not a major cause for concern. Yet, I am afraid to disturb the peace of the family by any action that can alter the status quo. This again is a reflection of my fear of the "unknown". I am looking into Marriage Counseling. Although, I am not sure if a counselor can help bring about changes in a self-absorbed narcissistic husband.
"You both seem to have reached a point where you're toxic to each other."
This is so true! Matter of fact it's the above realization that has forced me to vent my bottled-up feelings of despair and hopelessness in this forum. I am struggling with not being able to make a decision about what I should do to extricate myself from this state of misery. Do I leave my H or do I work on him: this is a million $ answer I am trying to find.
I have a very heightened awareness that my current state of mind and situation is dangerous and toxic for my health and happiness.
Good job!
Originally Posted By: wdoido
However, I don't know if I can get my H to change and develop empathy. I have been researching to learn if lack-of-empathy is a genetically inherited personality trait or whether it's a learned attribute. If its genetically inherited, then I may be fighting a losing battle because it will be impossible to change my H. However, if it is a learned trait, then I'll have to work on making him unlearn this thoughtless mindset. What's your opinion?
I think you need to look inward as you are the only person you can fix or control.
FYI,I have a lack of empathy and am selfish. Neither are something I was born with or passed down to me, they are learned. IMO I am that way because of a lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem, and fear. I realize I am this way, I am aware of it. I am also trying to change these qualities with-in myself and it is very difficult after living this way for so long. That said I do believe that one can change, yet that person needs to be self-aware that they are like that and want that change and then it isn’t easy.
You can only control you, easy to understand, yet very hard to live.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
JP, thanks for your response. Your advise is greatly appreciated. Yes, indeed I realize the only variable I have a control over, is myself. I have to either adapt myself to deal with my H, or find a way to get of this situation.
On a different note: I read one of your earliest posts where you mentioned that you were addicted to online porn. I have two questions related to this issue: 1) Did your porn addiction affect your relationship with your wife or was this addiction kept secret from your wife? 2) If she was aware of it, then did she feel hurt with this knowledge?
3) What caused you to pursue the use of pornography while you were married to a woman you obviously love so much. Was your wife lacking in looks or attractiveness?
I am just trying to understand if the hurt I felt because of my H's porn addiction is shared by other wives of porn addicts.
JP, thanks for your response. Your advise is greatly appreciated. Yes, indeed I realize the only variable I have a control over, is myself. I have to either adapt myself to deal with my H, or find a way to get of this situation.
On a different note: I read one of your earliest posts where you mentioned that you were addicted to online porn. I have two questions related to this issue: 1) Did your porn addiction affect your relationship with your wife or was this addiction kept secret from your wife?
My addiction affected my life, her life and our children’s life. I was in an inpatient program in a hospital with people who were going through divorce, depression, anxiety and then there was me for porn. I was nineteen and meet a man who was going through a divorce and we became friends, my wife was his middle daughter. Yes she knew about my issues. I did try to hide the extent and time involved, but she knew.
2) If she was aware of it, then did she feel hurt with this knowledge?
As mentioned above it wasn’t a dark secret that she found out after we were married. She thought she could fix it, that our relationship, our love would make everything better. I took advantage of this and used her, I don’t think I was doing it maliciously, but it happened. We became so codependent it was scary. Once we married and a little time passed, yes she became hurt. Yes to all of your thoughts. She assumed that she wasn’t good enough, that she wasn’t pretty, smart, skinny enough. That she didn’t try hard enough and on and on. The use of porn when you are in a relationship (as you well know) will cripple the other partner with believing they are not good enough in many ways. That said it is an addiction for me, thus it is not because my wife is not pretty, not good, not what I want. It is very difficult to explain or understand. It leaves one feeling very empty inside.
3) What caused you to pursue the use of pornography while you were married to a woman you obviously love so much. Was your wife lacking in looks or attractiveness?
I am still trying to find that answer and it was a problem prior to meeting my wife. It was a problem that I had when I was in HS dating. It became less intense while I was with another person, yet always there. Just as drugs give you an artificial high, so does porn. It taints real pleasure just like a drug.
I am just trying to understand if the hurt I felt because of my H's porn addiction is shared by other wives of porn addicts. Absolutely.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If you had a chance to read my earlier post, you already know that I am the W of a porn-addict and have seen the terrible affects of porn on my marriage and self-esteem. I want to get the perspective of married or divorced men on this forum who have dealt with porn addiction. I am just trying to understand if the hurt I felt because of my H's porn addiction is shared by other wives of porn addicts or am I really an odd-ball case.
I have four questions related to this issue:
1) was this addiction kept secret from your wife?
2) Did your porn addiction affect your relationship with your wife ?
3) If your W was aware of your porn addiction, then did she feel hurt with this knowledge?
4) What caused you to pursue the use of pornography while you were married? Was your wife lacking in looks or attractiveness?
Men and women see porn and sex most differently.
So even if I were to answer these questions you are unlikely to get satisfying answers or ones that pertain to your situation.
I could ask my own questions.
Is sex used as a CONTROL mechanism in your marriage?
Men do not get rejected by porn.
Did you ever reject your husband? Did he ever reject you?
Do you feel attractive?
It sounds like your husband was aware that you knew of his addiction and you are upset because he did nothing about YOUR feelings. Is he responsible for YOUR feelings?
"[quote]Men and women see porn and sex most differently.[/quote]
I tend to agree.
[i][b]
Quote:
Is sex used as a CONTROL mechanism in your marriage?
[/b][/i]
NO, not at all. The irony is that sex has eluded my marriage because of the porn-related impotence which afflicts my husband. I can literally count on my finger tips, the number of times we were able to "successfully" have sex. So to answer your question, contrary to sex being used as a CONTROL mechanism, it is SEX which has become a victim of the damaging control/result of porn-related impotence.
Quote:
Men do not get rejected by porn.
Agreed!
[i][b]
Quote:
Quote:
[i][b]Did you ever reject your husband?
[/b][/i][/i][/b]
I wish I can answer yes to this question, mostly because it would give me the satisfaction of the realization that my husband desired me. I never had the chance to reject him because he never initiated sex. Over time H also became aware of his impotence which probably led to the vicious cycle of avoidance of sex with wife and favoring porn-induced masturbation.
Quote:
Did he ever reject you?
Yes, all thru our marriage he has rejected me, mostly via actions and less by words. This thread is a result of my feeling rejected and disrespected at the hands of my H
Quote:
Do you feel attractive?
This is a very complex issue for me because there are so many contradictions which make me feel on top of the world one day, and down in the dumps the next. To give you a little honest background about me:
I am a physically fit woman with 23% body-fat, which is considered to be in the "FIT" range for a woman. I workout 5 days a week in a gym and train with weights to keep my muscle tone at an optimal level. I wear size 4 clothes which is considered very flattering for a woman. I take pride in dressing well and looking my best. I am a professional with an advanced degree (in a male-dominated field) and earn very close to what my husband makes. So, to cut to the chase, I have all the reasons to feel attractive. I think if any woman had the above attributes, she would feel attractive by default. Sadly, despite having all the outward manifestations of attractiveness, I feel low and dejected from within. I have been focusing on understanding why I feel this way, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have allowed my H to affect how I feel about myself. I blame my self for this.
Quote:
It sounds like your husband was aware that you knew of his addiction and you are upset because he did nothing about YOUR feelings. Is he responsible for YOUR feelings?
Yes, absolutely he is responsible for any actions of his which cause me to be hurt. That's what a marriage is suppose to be. You are suppose to uphold, cherish and warmly love your spouse. Of course this is a two-way street. In a marriage both the H and W are responsible to make sure that nothing they do damages their spouse. If either of them disregards the other, then the results cannot be taken for granted.
