Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

Honestly, no. Early on I suspected something, called her on it and she called my bluff. I never pursued it as I understood it would cause further damage to an already dire situation. My wife opened up in January, just before things were good again briefly, and mentioned she'd considered sleeping with and/or dating someone else, and whilst she never told me with whom, I believe I know who though I've never met the guy.

One of the things that came out of the conversations we had was that she was very confused and didn't know what she wanted and that adding an extra person wouldn't be fair to her, me, the kids or a potential OM and so she didn't go ahead with it. I believed her then and still do now. Every time she's shared her feelings with me she's spoken with such a clarity that tells me she's put in deep thought to what she feels and says. The listening argument was a case in point as there was no "ummm, ahhh" but straight to the point "you don't listen" and backed it up with examples. She also values her integrity highly.

She has shown the hallmarks of having an affair though. She's been on her phone heaps, been secretive with phone use and general plans, etc but the timings of her comings and goings don't add up to having an affair. She'd have to have not been into it that much or be very brief with her encounters or be very discreet. In a nutshell, it's just not probable. When I did suspect something, I discovered she'd been putting in a LOT of time at work (I do know this) and was speaking with/visiting friends who were either in a similar situation or needed help of their own. My wife has played a sort of big sister role with a friend of hers at work who has had some major issues recently.

There was an event last year she went to, the local horse races, where she dressed up and sent me a text prior to going. She asked my thoughts and I said she looked nice. The response I got was "not hot or stunning or amazing?" My parents used to joke that when I casually said something was "cool" it meant I REALLY liked it. Of course my wife looked amazing but I didn't express it in the way she'd understand. I believe it was this day she met the potential OM (just a guess), received some compliments (also a guess) and she started to see greener grass. Our relationship started to deteriorate at this point and BD occurred one month later.

To me it all adds up to an IA. I feel that she wasn't happy with who I was, and probably still isn't, but doesn't have a reasonable option to go to. She still hasn't mentioned divorce and she hasn't brought up separation again despite the fact her actions indicate she's seeking greater independence. Even tonight, she's asking my opinion on a family car that I currently believe she's going to try and buy and pay for herself. I just feel there's a bunch of soul searching going on rather than turning to another man.

Lastly, my wife spent last weekend at home with me without the kids. We didn't do anything together, she was hostile towards me and she even said to me "I was enjoying my movie alone" when I sat down in the living room after work. After spending the previous two weekends away from home,she could have easily done it again and didn't.