Is this cake eating 16

[keep_going]

NLW,


Thanks for posting and clarifying.

I am so sorry for what you and your kids have been dealing with. It's been clear for you and a lot of us who have been with you from the beginning on this crazy journey that your H is not all there....

So, what can NLW do?
I would hate for you to feel like you are powerless... Yes, he is an a-hole, and a con-man, but you are a strong, strong woman, who has proven you can survive anything. So now, it's time to take control of this crazy ride and turn the tide around IN YOUR FAVOR.

Not easy, but not impossible. (and you have proven you are amazing!)

The kids took about 4 of the 5 or so phone calls that we received over a period of a couple of days about this from FedEX. FedEX people were so keen to get their money, and kept threatening to "send the diamonds back to NY". I took the last of the calls and as far as i knew, the diamonds went back.

Can you switch your home number or disconnect it? It's become less common to have a land line and if you and your kids have mobile phones, this could be an option. Otherwise, can you talk to your kids and instruct them not to answer the phone at home? You can do so or you can screen your calls by letting them go to voice mail and just returning the calls that are from friends and relatives. That way you can screen out collectors, calls for your H and even his own calls, when he is crazy and impulsive and YOU can decide when it's appropriate for him to talk to your kids...

With all the abuse he has inflicted on you and your kids, you have every right to determine how and when he communicates to you AND the kids. And he'd better not threaten you or try to accuse you of parental alienation... you know why? because you have more than enough proof of his abuse and no court will listen to that ridiculous claim, shall he try to threaten you or bully you that way...

I don't think S15 yelled at his dad either in person or on the phone; he just told him that he hated him for what he had done.
S15 told his dad he was coming to the restaurant to speak to him (after XH refused to take his calls) via text. I didn't know about it till later.

How do they know abut his spending on restaurants, bars, cafes and holidays....
they see him - he sits outdoors at all of these places in our small village. His car is parked out the front of various establishments that we have to drive by to get to out house. He is in our faces.
He also reports to them about all the great things he's doing (sailing, football memberships, golf, holidays, travel, cars, the food he eats [ribs, lobster, steak], etc etc). Sometimes the kids' grandparents spill the beans too "Oh, your dad will be back in the country tomorrow, bet you'll be pleased to see him after all this time?" when we didn't know he'd been away..

Sweet, NLW.

All of this ^^^^ is why it's so crucial that both you and your kids go to counseling. So you can learn new tools on how to deal with all this garbage and your H's selfishness. So you can all learn how to set healthy boundaries when he is abusive. So you and your kids can learn that this is not about ANY OF YOU, but about him and that YOU GUYS DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS.

I hear you - living in a small town makes it so, so much harder. I cannot even imagine... That is why it's so important to be emotionally strong and ready to deal with your H when you guys run into him and so you can all learn how to deal with all your emotions - hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness, everything in a healthy way that can help you guys take control of your lives and move forward.

I know finances are tough, but perhaps there's some type of aid or support groups you can qualify for? There might be some organizations that help with aid or counseling? IDK, but it's worth looking into it, right?

We also still get regular phone calls from debt collectors trying to find him. Sometimes it's just automated calls saying that he will be prosecuted if he doesn't respond; other times it's hard-case callers who get real nasty when we say he doesn't live here. Some of these calls have even gone to the kids' mobile phone numbers. I can't begin to fathom why or how this happens.

Stuff like that.

It's really so crazy and unbelievable, if you knew what sort of life we had originally....

Yeah, screening calls is imperative. I had to do so when my H was in his angry phase. I never answered any of his calls - at home or on my mobile. I always heard the messages and only responded to those concerning the kids by email. I think we didn't talk in person or by phone or texted each other in a few months until things calmed down.

I think you and your kids can implement those boundaries (and I know boundaries has been a topic covered on your threads before. Perhaps go back and re-read some of the advice you got back then? it's all still applicable.)

Bottom line, there is no law or rule that says you or your kids need to talk to him UNTIL AND UNLESS IT WORKS FOR YOU, NOT FOR HIM.

And at the first moment he starts abusing either of you, you guys hang up or leave the room. Period. There are calm and reasonable ways of doing so w/o escalating the situation. Specially dealing with an abusive husband requires certain actions and behaviors to protect your emotional health.

Lots of resources out there also on the web.

You can do this!!!
And you are REALLY, REALLY worth it, don't you think?


((((((NLW)))))))