Hi 3 . . . sorry about the latest convo with your H. It sure sounds like he wants to keep up the status quo - keeping all his options open. Are you comfortable with that?
I suppose you could continue to move forward with your life, and if at some point you tire of waiting for H to make up his mind, you could take action. But you are right - in order to do this, you probably really do need to detach and drop all your expectations. Is that possible?
What do you think needs to happen for H to feel motivated to figure out his sh!t?
This is hard - I'm sorry, 3.
BTW, 3 and upwards, you should come over to FB. The group is secret but we can find you if you have an account with your screen name with db on the end.
(((3boys))))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hey 3-Ugh, my post from last night didn't show up. I agree that you have worked so hard on yourself. Your H is showing his cake eating colors again. I don't know how to handle this sitch. I get dropping the rope more, but how do you keep from being someone's plan B?
I agree with M's ? What needs to happen to motivate him to figure things out?
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
H I realized that I really need to drop the rope. I need to start preparing for a life without H. I had let my H back in and started to let the expectations creep back up.
UGGHHH...I simply hate this sometimes.
Yes, it suxx.
Sitting through this tough stuff and sorting out the feelings is what moves us to the next level. Some transitions are easier than others.
You're doing great. I think your H does see who you really are, that's his conundrum. He wants his cake and to eat it, too.
That's not sustainable in real life.
It does seem that H thinks you'll always be right where he left you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My H admitted that this is not sustainable in real life. He acknowledged that at some point something was going to break...his business/OW or me.
My H makes it seem like his business would fall apart without OW. It is not true at all and simply an excuse because he wants to keep his R with OW without admitting it to my face. While the OW did help establish their current business, it was my H that did everything (at least 90%).
Originally Posted By: melissag
What do you think needs to happen for H to feel motivated to figure out his sh!t?
M, Blues, Bug - You all posed this question to me. After things cooled down and we were no longer hostile, I thought that maybe my H (and myself) just needed to feel an connection after a year or two of only negative things. We both have felt a strong connection several times over the past few months. We get along, joke, flirt. We have ML several times and the passion is definitely there. I think that it has clearly helped, but it is not enough and he is still sitting on the fence.
Right after college, my H broke up with me. The break only lasted five or six months. My H wanted to date other women, hang out with this single friends and see what was out there before settling down. My H clearly did not think about the fact that I would date other guys. As soon as he found out, he flipped. H went from not talking to me at all (and being a huge jerk) to pursing me. I was the one that told him no when he asked to get back together. We finally got back together when I was sure that it was real and not jealousy.
So maybe my H needs to see that I have moved on. I don't think that I am ready to date yet but I have thought about it.
Now, the question is how do I move on? I think that I need to limit our discussions to those involving kids/financials. I am pretty good at limiting the discussions when I am not with H. Sometimes I blab too much when we are together on family day because I hate awkward silence. So I guess that I will have to get used to the silence and our just discuss the kids.
I need to focus my energy on setting up a new life with the kids... finally meet with an attorney, create budget to determine whether we can stay or our house or not. And focus on GAL.
Originally Posted By: melissag
BTW, 3 and upwards, you should come over to FB. The group is secret but we can find you if you have an account with your screen name with db on the end.
I tried to figure this out this today but am not sure how to create an account with my screen name. Where do you enter the screen name? I tried to put it as my name (first/last) or as an alternative name. I am clearly doing something wrong.
Now for some fun stuff...Right around the time I found this site, I received an email from Disney offering an amazing discount. I called and booked a trip for the kids and myself. I made me feel like I could plan for the future and that there would be life even after a D. I did secretly fantasy about being back together with H and him joining us.
This morning I finalized our trip for myself, S3 and S5. I am going to leave S1 back home so that I can really focus on the big guys. Everything is booked for a party of three (no more hoping that H may join us - living in my new reality). The boys love the monorail and we are going to stay in the Contemporary Resort because of the amazing deal I got. We are also going to be there for the Mickey Not So Scary Halloween Party. I am going to bring their costumes from last year..S5 was Peter Pan and S3 was Jake from Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I am going to be Tinkerbell.
I also booked dinner inside the castle. Although the boys don't love princesses, they think that Mickey and Minnie live in the castle so they are going to be so excited. H and I actually got engaged inside the castle and talked about bringing our children back to show them so I know that it will be hard for me. But I am determined to create new memories with my boys.
Good for you, 3!! I love having a trip to look forward to. It will be so great for you to have that time to bond with your little loves and just enjoy them. I'm excited for you!
On FB, it should work to do first name 3boyzmom and last name db. Post if you do that and someone can invite you!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I have had limited contact with H since Sunday night. I really did not want to talk to H at all, but realized that I still need to pass along information regarding the kids and I cant let the crap between H and myself to affect our parenting. This morning I sent H a picture of S3 to update him on S3's injury from this weekend. He thanked me for the update. I am really trying to focus on keeping our co-parenting R separate from everything else.
H called a bit later to give me a heads up that he was going to post something on FB about his business and tag OW (along with the 13 other people on his team). He said that he would not do it if I objected. I told me he could do whatever he wanted. To me, it only matters that the OW is still part of his life/business. I told him I needed to head into work and ended the conversation. We are supposed to applaud the 5% right - so I guess he did not lie or blind slide me and I guess he know sees that his actions have some consequences.
We have not talked since. I actually think that I needed a bit of a break from H and to focus on myself.
My GAL plans for tomorrow got canceled again because of work. I was supposed to head to IC and then to the gym. Now I have to cover a meeting at 7 pm (almost an hour commute home after). I am NOT looking forward to it.
