Take Two ...

[Train]

Okay, Starsky. I went back and re-read the 1st chapter. I didn't glean anything new from it; in fact, it (and all my underlining and highlight-marks from my previous read) kind of reenforced everything I've been thinking/doing, instinctively, from the bomb-drop: communicating differently than normal (differently, for me, is NO talking/communicating), looking at things differently/changing things about myself (for me, I'm a SAHM, so showing confidence - and taking care of myself - is really a change from how H has seen me lately); "it takes one to tango" (although I'm detaching from him while separated, I'm being polite to him and validating him at times when, as sh says, it's heartfelt and genuine), noting that "small changes matter," and "thinking small" (H texted me, just because, about my car today), etc. etc. etc. The chapter even says that the focus might not be to fret over the CAUSE of why we're not getting along ... but to figure out *what to do about it*. Right now, H and I are S. We don't see each other. There's not much I can do, besides GAL/180s/detach/"act as if". And that's what I'm doing.

I am TRYING to re-think EVERYTHING with a beginner's mind. It is driving me CRAZY. If I'm missing something, pleeeeeease let me know; I'm sincerely desperate for feedback, even though that might not come across in my posts.

There is some specific feedback I might be able to use from you all, because this could actually help me tons:

My writing-style is very conversational. As I said, during my working-years, I was a writer. I write the way I think. Especially on this forum, I just write what I think, as I think it. It's like journaling for me. But if people could SEE me when I write/communicate, they'd see I'm *feeling* things - very deeply. But from the other side of a computer screen, I can see how my true emotions may not come across succinctly. In fact, I might come across as too direct, too confident, too strong, too uncaring, "too cute by half" etc.

Here's the problem: Because I write like I think/talk, I can imagine that perhaps having a conversation with me in person, or over text, might be a tad overwhelming if/when I'm at odds with someone or really trying to relay something about which I feel passionately.

Here's my "eureka moment" when I read what you posted: I think this may be why my H has been accusing me of being a "sarcastic b!tch" lately; all we did, after he left, was text. So, as you can likely imagine, I came down with a heavy - and, he's right, probably seeming sarcastic - hand. It's my way of masking my pain. Because I've dealt with this before, I *do* feel stronger. But I'm feeling lots and lots ... and lots ... of overwhelming pain. I feel pain looking at my children. I feel pain looking at my teenagers. I feel pain when I see my H. I feel pain and anxiety about how I will lead this family of (now) 5 when I depend on my H sooooo much, especially financially. But I also depend on him as a companion, my best friend; I just probably never expressed that enough to him. Allllll I feel is pain. But I don't SAY that. I haven't even told him that. Not even once. And, in the aftermath of his betrayal, I'm trying to take back *just a little bit* of control. *Just a little bit* of integrity. *Just a little bit* of power. Just a little bit ...

But I DO NOT want to look weak. Or in pain. Or dependent on him.

I have many friends. And I have many who seek out conversations with me. So it's not like I'm a crappy conversationalist. Even my H actively seeks me out when he needs "advice." We had one such conversation right around Christmastime. He approached me and told me that he had always watched me be so "giving" to people; I'd take the shirt off my back for anyone in need. He's NEVER been that way. He said he used to look at me and think I was ridiculous for feeling good for giving so much away for absolutely nothing in return. But he was in a position to help someone at Christmastime, and he wanted to talk to me about the pros and cons.

Without knowing this was around the exact time he had initiated contact with OW, btw, I spent 45 minutes to an hour talking with him. Let me rephrase: Talking TO him. I hate to admit that. Even as soon as the conversation was over, I felt I had talked it TO DEATH, even though he has asked me to talk with him about the pros and cons of the decision before he made it. Even *immediately* after I talked it to death, I started beating myself up. I realized that probably all he wanted was to receive validation from me ... and a pat on the back ... even though he had *asked* me to weigh the pros and cons with him. I don't think he was looking for me to *kill it* with the up-sides and potential pitfalls of his choice. I mean, that's what he ASKED for, so I gave it to him.

At the end of it all, I encouraged him to give, despite the potential "cons." I told him to give with a "giving heart," without expecting a pay-back. And that's what he chose to do. I was over-the-moon happy for him because it made him feel like a million dollars. I liked to see that happiness in him. And I told him so. But I was even happier that it was HIS decision to give, even after I had delivered the potential "cons."

I just think I talk (write) too danged much. I over-think ... and maybe over-type ... EVERYTHING.

I have always praised my husband, privately and publicly, for "getting me out of my head." I've praised him for being my very best friend and someone who reminds me to be spontaneous and not take life so freaking seriously. In fact, I did that again on our Valentine's anniversary ... on my Facebook page, which is followed by many people. He seriously asked several times that night how many "likes" it got (self-esteem issues much?).

Yet, he spent that night, after we had both fallen asleep (but he awoke), texting OW.

Maybe I'm just too "aggressive" of a communicator? Too direct, perhaps? Do I come across too strong??

Just to be clear: I never write my H letters. In fact, if I'm ever having a disagreement with *anyone*, I try NOT to write letters. Because I know I come across as a focused, non-caring, "too cute for half" pit-bull.

But now I'm afraid maybe that's how I come across face-to-face, too, especially when I'm mad and/or nervous and/or anxious and/or in a corner. And that seems it could be VERY intimidating to others if I am at-odds with them. And that makes me feel really crappy because I don't want to be such a heavy-handed communicator ALL the time when I'm uncomfortable or angry.

And here I am, likely over-thinking this, too ...

Or am I?