Sandi2's 37 Rules

[gogofo]

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

I need some clarification and opinions on these two rules above.

I have been working on myself and one of my 180s is to appreciate and think more about friends and family, mine and the in-laws. I was selfish and self centered and this is something I don't like about myself and want to change.

The wife and I are separated, but I still have had contact with the in-laws. I have never asked them for help and we don't talk about the W or our situation. When they ask how I am I simply reply good. What we do is just catch up about work and what we have been up to or whatever, but never the situation or W.

The W has been getting upset about this. On Feb. 15th I delivered some homemade sausage to the MIL and FIL and we ended up talking for a while. The MIL failed to tell me or the W that either of us were going to cross paths that night or I would have left.

W gets upset and thinks I am playing games and trying to turn her parents against her. I tell her I dropped off sausage and we started talking and I had no idea she was there or I would have left before she arrived. Told her it had nothing to do with her and I left. Later she sent a text message that she was okay with me visiting as long as my intention was just to talk to them and not try manipulation or whatever. Manipulation was never my intention, I just missed her parents and wanted to give them sausage and catch up with each other.

Last Sunday I delivered two birthday cards to my SIL's house for two of my nieces. I did not stop or talk to anyone, but I probably would have for a little bit if they were awake. The W calls yesterday, upset, and asks if we have anything to talk about. She was upset because I dropped off birthday cards. We sent text messages back and forth and she feels that I am trying to mess with her and only doing this to manipulate her. I tell her I just wanted to give them a birthday present.

There is also a package to mutual friends who had a baby, friends that were hers before we met. I am sure when she hears I did this she will be upset again.

My intentions were not to manipulate her or mess with her. I tried to do these things without telling her as they were things I wanted to do. Are these actions from me in violation of rule 6? I am trying to live suggested in rule 12 and get on with me and my life and working on who I want to be.

I have had suggestions in my thread about stopping contact with her family because that it what she wants. I feel that is something she will have to work through because my contact with them has never been about her or our relationship. If my actions do not match her perception of me, I cannot help that, but I don't think I should stop because she thinks I hate her family.