wife denies the affair

[25yearsmlc]

I have to make this clear.

Your behavior throughout this thread is exactly as your wife said, it's SO CONTROLLING. It's all about what SHE is doing wrong.

Nothing about you being lousy to her, OR to her precious son, which is HUGE- and for me, and many women, that itself a deal breaker.

QUESTION --what on earth do you mean when you say you are divorce busting?

You're still snooping, which DB says NOT to do, and you even say an affair is not a deal breaker. Then what is the point? Oh, to make her "wrong" and you "right" and therefore you don't have to work on YOU??? Is that it?

Hey, You still snoop AND still do the opposite of DBing...so again I ask, what DB efforts are you claiming to be making? I don't see any.

I will cross out the parts of this I think are NOT HELPING YOUR SITUATION like mind reading, projecting, judging, and weird snooping...
.

I just confirmed the affair, I had picked up a digital voice recorder and put in our bedroom and heard his voice which was a man suprising how that picked him up.

I listen to this conversation and it started out about how was work etc... hows son etc... and there is a code name for me FG because she was on the phone with me when son asked if FG was being a D, and W asked whats a D he said a Douch. They laughed. They then went into the conversation About the settlement agreement w and I had last night when she called me. She actually was wanting me to give her my agreement in five minutes, I said I would need some time to process this and get back with her and of course she got mad, and I said I would rather stay married and she said she had to go. anyways she tells him about this and she says he says he dont want a D and she told him I'm giving you one and she laughs, she tells him if it wornt for her we wouldnt have any of this first of all I make double the money and she was great with finances, we never argued over it. She then gets in her soft voice with him and she says oh yes I desrve it and will take it and the she calls him a coocoo she did the same thing to me when I would tell her what i'm going to do to her sexually. I could actually her his voice. She did ask him when he went through his D did they agree on everything. So not sure if he is still going through it or if its done etc... it amazed me on how it was all about me, but then again I remember when I had my affair I did the same thing vented with the new girl and the new girl pressured me to get D.


I just don't know who he is, I'm actually a bit relieved that I found this out and I'm not going crazy, like she wants me to believe. I'm wondering how long this has been going on. Now I see why she wants this done so fast. She even tol OM that he is taking in all this drama and she said something like your suppose to listen to me. So how long is this thing going to last and do I expose it to family and friends etc... like on marriage builders says to.

I just can't believe she is doing this,and if you met her you would never suspect it. I have been working afternoons shift for over a year and I now look back it played a significant roll on our M. You mean never seeing her, so she was lonely? So, are you changing your shift?


She goes out every weekend and now I know why she got mad at me when I subscribed to familywhere on tmobile which shows eachother our phone locations, I like the idea nice safety thing for daughter who is 11.


So not much I can do at this point, I'm going to continue my DB ways and continue to work on me. I did let w know that infidelity was not a deal breaker for me. WHAT DB WAYS?? YOU ARE STALKING HER, SNOOPING AND JUDGING AND NOT DOING A DARN THING DIFFERENT.

YOU ARE NOT WORKING ON YOURSELF, WHICH IS THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL...



It amazes me how they re-write history and say it was all big mistake getting married. I did the same thing to my exw when I had the affair, told the new girl how we should of never gotten married it was for all the wrong reasons etc...



I woke up one day and told myself I will never ever cheat on another person in my life, due to the pain it caused my EXW and the 9 years of pain it caused me in the relationship with the women I cheated with. I carried that pain the whole relationship with other women, I have know idea why I did. I do know the ow was 10 years younger than me and im sure that played a roll, plus my own insecurities.

If you still do not understand WHY YOU did this all those years ago, then what did you learn from it? And what chance do you have of understanding your wife's choices, since you seem to think she's exactly like you?

My suggestion is simple but radically different than the road you are taking. I say make this ALL about your role in your present marriage, leave the past alone (unless you agree only to look at your own behavior & learn from it. And when I say "learn from it" that means changing behavior, not excusing it).

You may be able to turn this around. I don't know. But I DO KNOW you're not giving DB a chance when you snoop, and confront and then snoop some more. If your wife sees nothing from you but confrontation, snooping, stalking, (the eavesdropping is so unhealthy, I cannot stress that too much) and self righteous indignation and suspicion

here are my 2 questions: 1) why would she believe it's NOT a deal breaker?

and 2) What's DIFFERENT about the marriage or how you treat her or her son, with all this energy directed at the snooping?

I think ^^This is just more of the old you. It's confirming her choice to leave.

The rest of your post is more of that, too.

But you asked for help here, so see my notes below.

My w is now on this ride and she now has to go through her journey. God spoke to me a few times. The first he had me go to church and I didn't know which church the cathloic one or this new assembly of God that just opened near me. I wavered with my Daughter back and forth almost turning around and I decided the the assembly God one. I pull up and they are having amarriage confrence, we go in and the scripture was all about fighting for your family, Nehemiah 4:14b Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes." I was amazed he told me to fight, so I have been DBing and she was on the fence and now it seems she has jumped to the other side.

God spoke to me a second time. W called me tuesday because she forgot her lunch and work jacket at home and asked if i could bring it to her, I sid sure, I put alitle stationary card in her lunch and it said The little things in life make the big things in life. I wrote in it W(name) Have a great day with smiley face Love (name). along with a cofee. I meet her in the lobby and she smiling like usuall and she seemed akward and seems like she wants to give me a hug and she says I hate this lobby, ay other time we would of been in the fire stairs kissing. I leave and she calls me ten min later that was so sweet you got me that card and coffee. I tell her thank you. She then says didn't you feel akward at my work I said no not really, obvisouly she did not, I'm not sure how many people not situation or if OM.

So we chat for a second and then I let her go. She then calls me back again telling me she doesn't know how to take the card and coffee, she then says she just wants to run away from all of it, I suggest maybe we need to seperate and she goes on to say "I have to follow my Heart" I tell her we need to take our anger and resentment and put it in an envelope and put it away for awhile and focus only positive things she says who told you to do that, I said I've done some reading etc.. she then continues to say I don't know if I can and says again "I have to follow my heart" we end the call. I go into the book store and go to the spirtual books I look and look and then I see the love dare book, I pick it up and sit down I read the first page and in it says Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is more deceitful than anything else", and it will pursue what feels right at the moment. I didn't think to much about it it until later on, I said oh my God he just told me she is pursuing her heart and its not your fault H(name). I then go and read Matthew 14:29 on peters faith, I continue to read into Matthew 15:17,18&19and one again "for out of the heart comes evil thought-murder,adultrey,sexual immorality,etc.." So God is telling me. I just don't know how to continue thcan get is fight especially after hearing herconversation with OM.

I do have to say W does have anxiety issue that gets real bad at times, she is constantly putting herself down, low selfesteem,and she is ocd with cleaning etc.. I have never stopped loving her even with her imperfections,


Does this^^ seem like an achievement to you? To me, that comment is terribly revealing.

So Tell me more about what you meant when your first post said you "took her for granted" b/c that's so vague, I don't know what it means.

And you did not get along with her son. Well how old is he? How destructive was the relationship? Do you now see how VITALLY IMPORTANT that relationship is, to your w?

A lot of people just stop dating a person who doesn't treat their potential step-children well enough. I mean it when I say it'd be a deal breaker for me if a man didn't truly like my children enough to believe they'd come to love each other.

I'd jettison the man at the first inkling of a critical interaction between him & any of my children.

I continue to pray to God for his wisdom and his will.

So what do I do and what is my course of action?

need some help.

If you really want to use the Div Busting approach, read the books and APPLY THE SUGGESTIONS.

That means you Stop the snooping TODAY....it does NOT help you at all. Be a better man to her son, b/c that's way way bigger than you seem to realize, or care to admit.

You want to project your own past onto her present and though there may be similarities , it's very dangerous. Very destructive. You presume you know her heart and mind, but you do not.

You keep making this about YOUR PAST...well if there's Karma involved, so be it.

But that is no excuse for you to take your eye off the ball thinking it's pay back from the past. You need to look in the mirror and begin your real search internally.

The real journey in life, is an inward one. Be the better choice and stop doing the opposite of DB. Be a man only a fool would leave.

If the affair is not a deal breaker, stop throwing it in her face every chance you get.

She'll never believe you can let the affair go, let alone to move "From this day forward" and frankly, the way you stalk her and buy surveillance equipment



(I can't tell you how scary that makes me feel for your w),

In any case it's sure seems you are NOT the forgiving type. SEEMS TO ME,
If you were the forgiving type, you'd stop bringing up and focussing on the affair.

It's as if you think that the A is the only issue here, but it is the symptom. Oh, b/c YOUR PRIOR AFFAIR was all about you, or not about your prior marriage, does not mean a thing to your wife, today.

I think your wifes affair is about your marriage. And you play a role in that.

Very few women have affairs for purely physical reasons. It's almost always b/c of their emotional needs NOT being met, either due to their own issues AND OR b/c of interactions inside the marriage. Maybe she needs to communicate her needs better, etc.

You are not off the hook just b/c your first marriage ended b/c of your affairs. That's really off base & a red herring.

It's not as if you are in your first w's position-- and that is why I don't like seeing someone project themselves onto someone else's situation the way you keep saying 'it's just like ME in the past"...b/c she's NOT you.


Stop equating your previous cheating with your present wife's affair. I don't think you wanted to leave your first w, did you?

Well, your present wife wants out of her present marriage. So change the marriage you have NOW and stop stalking your wife for an affair you claim is not a deal breaker.

It just reeks of someone wanting revenge, or obsessing. I would bet That's how your w is going to read it, so that needs to stop NOW. It's absolutely NOT helping you. Here's a tip.

Your wife will not return to the marriage, unless

she believes marriage to you, can be better/different than before.

So, how are you SHOWING (not saying) that you are changing?


Be the best step father to your stepson that you can be. It's CRUCIAL for you to do this!

MANY women stay with a man, solely because he's a good father/stepfather.
The last thing you need to do is ignore that relationship now.

What are your GAL? And what 180s are you doing? You must do these to detach and detachment is mandatory...or you'll keep blowing it.