Thanks for following. I would love you to read through and comment, especially on the topic of tough love and boundaries. I know you took a tough love approach, and Sandi is for that as well, but I feel I have little leverage short of ultimatums that have a lot of downside. That topic is still unsettled.
You are correct, PA is not a deal breaker for me. At least once it's over. I know I will forgive that as a matter of self-preservation. No matter how this turns out, I am determined not to be consumed by hatred.
However, active PA is downright disrespectful. I know right now that W has no respect for me whatsoever, but I don't know if that's any more real than her "love" for OM or any of the other nonsense that she talks. It is demeaning and I detest it.
Right now, I can rationalize this to myself at least for some period as the effects of MLC/WAW syndrome. She is an emotional wreck. She is on sleeping pills and anti-depressants. There is a family history of Bipolar/OCD. I can look at her as if this is a stage that may end. It may not, but I don't know that yet. I know I can put up with a lot of crap for at least a while if I believe there is a chance that it will end without blowing up my kids' emotional and financial future.
I know my W is convinced that we are dysfunctional and cannot fix things. She has no interest in doing any MC together. She is working on herself and discovering bad behaviors that predate me in her life, but I am still to blame. She is fixing herself for her future without me. I can give W time to get to a better place with herself; it can only help.
Meanwhile, I am becoming a better parent. I need time to perfect this.
I am becoming a more supportive H. She sees it but doesn't believe it. This needs consistency over time.
I'm GALing and building my future support group. That needs time.
So, I am using the time I need for me. I'm not quite done with me yet. Is there a need to rush to an undesired outcome before then?
I'm not rushing there until I know that time is no longer helping.
Meanwhile, my W has just started her career, and by her measure, she will need 6-12 months to become financially independent, and 6-18 months for D. That means she plans to be in the house at least a year. Cake eating. She and OM file simultaneously, and both ride off into the sunset.
I figure if I file and D before then, it's an emotional and financial disaster all around. Right now, she is totally financially dependent on me, with nowhere really to turn. L advises against withdrawing financial support.
I figure that in that time, DB will have run its course. I will be as good as I can be with kids and myself. At that point, I will be ready to go.
A will be over or not. A will have broken public or not. OM will have filed or not. W will have discovered herself or not. W will be in a different place in the MLC/WAS spectrum or not. There will be a breakthrough or a break down. She will be some degree "better", or truly broken in my eyes.
So I guess where I am is that I have/will give this a year. Can it get worse? I think I'm up to any challenge. The real question is how to use that year most effectively. Perhaps I am foolish to think there will be positive change. I would love to get rid of the A, since nothing happens until that goes, but right now I don't see how to impact that.
And that is where I am open to suggestions. And 2x4 away if you want to. I'm pretty damned objective about all of this at this point, and will consider all kinds of ideas.
And feel free to make me reconsider core beliefs. I don't mind doing the introspection at all.
