Take Two ...

[Train]

Starsky, I TOTALLY feel you, and *I think* I know what you're sensing. (And thank you for your kind words about me, by the way.)

I could be wrong. But see if this puts your finger on my pulse: Indecisiveness. Trying to be one way. Feeling a different way. Not wanting to totally commit to saving my M ... because I failed once ... and I'm deathly afraid of failing again.

And I'm deathly afraid my H won't even want to try. That this could really be "it." But he's sending too many mixed signals for me to be sure.

I assure you, I'm taking this super-seriously. And I care an awful lot. But I'm not a beginner at this, which might be why you're not having to tell me to care less and detach like you do most people. I threw my DB hat on immediately. And perhaps I'm taking that too far. I am MAD this time. I am insulted. I am heartbroken. And I am completely confused about what I want. Or what I can have. Or what I can do to get it.

I'm also dealing with unresolved issues from last time.

And I'm also likely struggling to be completely honest about my deepest feelings here because anyone I've confided in "out here" has told me I'd be crazy to even THINK of taking him back this time. So I've built up walls; I'm a little guarded, for a number of reasons. I understand that if I'm GOING to be honest with myself - and I need to be - that this is the perfect place to do it. But I'm also having a hard time picking everything apart to DECIDE what I want. That's why I came back here. To write. To receive feedback. And to try to sort it all out.

I may not know half of what H is thinking or doing; you're likely right about that. Heck, if I can't even figure out what *I* am thinking or doing, who am I to try to figure that out in HIM? I just re-read my book this week, but I'll absolutely go back to that chapter and read it again.

I just don't know if it's worth it to try. So I'm doubling-up my "I don't care" efforts because whether he comes back or not, that's sort of where I need to be, mentally.

I could be totally wrong about any and all of that, and I am depending on you guys to help pull ME out of a possible fog. I'm certainly not above being in one. And thank you for that. I do not mind - in fact, I appreciate - being held accountable.

Does any of that make sense?