Upwards - DB myself to happiness! #2

[Upwards]

Previous Thread: Upwards - DB myself to happiness!

Thought i'd best start a new thread seen as my others in danger of being locked.

Brief summary:

Aug 2013 - Asked H to leave due to addictions.
Oct 2013 - H went into rehab & got clean.
Jan 2013 - BD by H and he needed "space".
Feb 2013 - Found out about EA, developed into sex a couple of times.
Mar 2013 - He's ended A with OW?

H has said I'm everything he wants in a wife, he enjoys spending time with me and wants me as a big part of his life but doesn't feel love for me & wont come back until he does. He also fully admits that he doesn't know what love is and that he won't allow himself to feel love as it makes him vulnerable.... Last week he said that he wants to be a family and be with me but his fears are stopping him & that he's scared of things going back to how they were. We had a very good relationship before his addictions became a problem & we still have a deep connection & get on really well.

Been DB and making progress - decided last week to go NC for a while & set some healthy boundaries (big 180 for me!), H said he didn't want this and that he wanted to stay in contact but I've been strong and stuck with it, he's been perusing me & saying he misses me a lot. Since I "let go" of him & our marriage he's been forced to face up to the reality of his decisions and said he is struggling.

NC, GAL & 180 have helped me get into a much stronger place and feel much more confident - I know now that either way i'll be alright and although I would love to save my marriage I know that if that doesn't happen then I can still be happy.

[Starsky309]

Been DB and making progress - decided last week to go NC for a while & set some healthy boundaries (big 180 for me!), H said he didn't want this and that he wanted to stay in contact but I've been strong and stuck with it, he's been perusing me & saying he misses me a lot. Since I "let go" of him & our marriage he's been forced to face up to the reality of his decisions and said he is struggling.

GOOD!! Let him put on his BBPs (Big-Boy Pants) and fully feel the consequences of his destructive and immature decisions.

You can't rescue him.

btw,I looove your final paragraph in your post.


Starsky

[Upwards]

GOOD!! Let him put on his BBPs (Big-Boy Pants) and fully feel the consequences of his destructive and immature decisions.

You can't rescue him.

Yep its tough but I know he has to do this one on his own - he's been saying for months that he wants to "stand on his own two feet & be responsible for the first time in his life" and now he is he's realising that its not as easy as wifey has made it look all these years LOL!

btw,I looove your final paragraph in your post.

I know, DB is amazing i'd probably be still constantly crying into my pillow if it wasnt for this place haha. I miss him loads but i'm also enjoying feeling like ME again!

[Upwards]

Argh struggling tonight & missing him loads constantly thinking about him & having to really work hard not to contact him. Determine to be strong though! We've arranged a meeting at work Friday so ideally need to remain NC until then.

This weekend I will see him a lot as Friday he's having the kids overnight at my house (he'll stay on sofa) then Sunday he'll be here to help the kids with some things for Mother's Day so he'll be around a lot after 9 days no contact - I want to make this weekend really relaxed, easy going, happy & fun without being too OTT. Any tips?

[Scorp7]

Upwards, it sounds like DB is really working for you, congrats!

You've been strong this long and it sounds like you have a GREAT opportunity this weekend to really use the techniques from the books.

IMO, you can try to just present the best version of you possible. If you look your best, seem like you're happy (fake it if you need to, hehe) and be polite but not overly affectionate I'm guessing your H will be eating out of your hand The other thing is to take it slow, no matter how well the weekend goes, I'd say slow and steady is the best bet.

[Upwards]

Thanks Scorp, I hope your right!
I need to be really focused this weekend & make sure I'm the confident, bubbly, fun & happy woman he fell in love with. I know him well & think he'll be very tuned in as he's made clear how much he's missing me so I want to make the most of this weekend.

I'm intending to try & keep it light, have a little fun, maybe some subtle flirting - I will play it by ear and judge it from his responses first.

If he brings up R talks do I allow him to open up or request we dont discuss?

[Scorp7]

If he brings up R talks do I allow him to open up or request we dont discuss?

I'd say if he wants to discuss the R then it would be best to let him open up. How you respond depends a lot on what you had done in the past.

If you can think back to what worked in your R when you had discussions and they went well versus what didn't work that should be your guide. This might be a spot to use a couple of the DB techniques, "act as if" or "180s".

[Upwards]

In the past couple of months I've learnt that I'm a "fixer" and this makes H shut down & stop talking as he thinks I'm telling him what to do... I've learnt how to listen, validate what he's saying & just repeat what he's telling me rather than fix. I've also learnt how to say things in a way that he doesn't feel threatened or like I'm taking control - I try to remember these new things when talking (especially R talk) as it's a definite 180 and he's responded really well to it & has opened up more and more.

Go me, I've learnt a lot haven't I!!! haha

[Scorp7]

Awesome Upwards, it sounds like you've got your sitch handled! I think you just need to keep doing what you've been doing and this weekend will work out great.

[Upwards]

Arghh I hope so, quite nervous but I need to try not to put too much on it & also remain patient (which I find so hard lol!). Trying to remember the squirrel analogy!