Did some snooping this weekend to "temp check". Everyone tells you not to, and that is good advice. It can be quite a downer, and you have to be prepared for that. Do not do it unless you are know you can ride out the inevitable despair from what you learn. And even then, it's not really worth it. I cycled in just a few hours, and I'm good now.
PA is still on.
W has done a lot of learning about herself, her failure to vocalize, her tendency to internalize. But I am still to blame for everything. Her failure to vocalize only lead her to stick around as long as she has. Figures we're dysfunctional and unfixable because we never argued enough because she couldn't vocalize. She and OM can apparently argue and then make up, so they're good to go.
I'm glad she's learning to fix her stuff. Maybe as she fixes herself she'll see it's not all me. Maybe not. It's all good. Not sure why I care that she accept some responsibility for this; I'll always know. I guess I'm afraid that the kids will blame me.
She has noticed my much increased support around the house, but doesn't think it's genuine. So my 180s are doing what they are supposed to, and I just have to stay consistent over time.
She has noticed that I am spending a lot more time with the kids and being a better parent. But she wonders where I was for the last 10 years, and again, too little, too late. So I'm on the right track and just have to stay consistent over time.
She was amazed that I suggested we work together to back each other up when dealing with D12. Again, wonders why I never backed her up before. I always did; maybe(?) the first time I suggested it out loud. Another positive, I guess. I'll just have to be consistent over time.
When I say "our family expenses are too high", she still interprets that and repeats it as "she spends too much". She acknowledges the words I am saying, but insists that I always meant it as a personal indictment of her.
She's discovered that she's an extravert, (true) but she always felt too insecure to be one. She knows I'm an introvert (true), and therefore, her only attraction to me must have been because I enabled to be an insecure extravert. (?) And because we're opposites, we are incompatible. (?) It's not that I dislike people, it's just that I have a lot of hobbies that I can do alone, and I don't need the constant affirmation of a crowd. But I do like to share a pint, a meal and a story with interesting folk now and then. W does seem to need that affirmation more than I. I've already determined that to have a better social life without W, I need to be a little more extraverted, and have chosen GAL activities that push me out of my comfort zone. I'm enjoying it a great deal, whether it has any impact on M or not.
She wonders what she ever saw in me. I am making my list of those things to see if I can subtly make sure those things are still around. Except of course for all the highly touchy things that are out of bounds right now. (How does that work?)
She hates being around me and tries to avoid me. Even considered having S8 birthday party when I couldn't attend, but decided that "she'll give me that". Now there's the girl I fell in love with. Other times, when I come home, she'll talk to me for 15 minutes about her day. Like it used to be. And yesterday she bought me a muffin for morning snack, as she often does, and I told her she was thoughtful and generous. So the wild swings of WAW behavior are alive and well.
It was funny to come downstairs one morning and find her snooping my phone. I asked her if she found anything good.
So, my conclusions on all this:
- my 180's are being noticed. They need long term consistency to be believed. My 180's make me feel better and are under my control. Since this is already a well known rule, I didn't have to snoop to find this out.
- she's figuring herself out. May help M, may not. Maybe puts her in a position to make a decision less emotionally. At least she's getting help, although not pro-M help - more on the line of "leave behind what is holding you back" help (and that's me). She's on her own path. She'll come either out pro-M or anti-M. I have no control over that. Since this is already a well known rule, I didn't have to snoop to find this out.
- she still spends a great deal of time each day complaining about me. Maybe that means she is still trying to rationalize all this. Unknowable. Didn't have to snoop to find that out.
So, the rules seem to be true, including the one on "no snooping". I feel best when I work on what I can control, and it seems to be being noticed. That's about all I can hope for. Whether or not it is effective in saving M depends on W and her path. I have no expectations. I have the satisfaction of noticeably being a better me.
