I am an almost WAW. My husband knows I am not happy in our marriage. He doesn't know I had an affair. I feel the affair (with a MM) was a necessary step for me to discover how unhappy I have been for many years, suffering from depression but not understanding why. The why I now understand because of the affair - the things I need to live - affection, tenderness, feeling loved and special, respect, compliments, being treated like a woman - are completely lacking in my marriage. So now that I really understand these needs I have, I am ready to work on getting that in my marriage. I don't know if it will be possible for my husband, but I have to try. So the question is - if the affair is over and he doesn't know, can I just treasure it as the special memory that it was?
I would say yes for now. I've been in a similar situation and if the affair is over and you know what you want in your marriage, consider it a learning experience and good memories. Now get to work on your lifetime relationship with h.
Tough question, I know i found out about W's affair when i log onto computer and her messaging came up and he was wanting to talk to her. I would think that is you are serious and absolutely sure affair is over, you have to ask yourself this question and be honest?
How is my telling heim going to benefit the situation, myself or him. I personally think you should not, but defitiely don't do anything else if you are serious about saving your M. Follow the two books if you have read them DB and DR. If not read them immediately. I think it would devistate him. I also think it would make recovery time a lot longer. Please read the books before you do anything, they are extremely helpful. This is just my opinion, but I have went through finding out and to be honest it hurts like hell and it also drives you crazy wondering about it. My advice is focus on marriage and do not tell him.
In the DB book Michelle suggests that you focus on the exceptional times, e.g. when your H does give affection, tenderness, love and respect and accentuate these times.
I also read that others find your H attrative but you don't. Focus on the things that are attractive about your H and possibly let the other things slide, (we all have our uglinesses) and you could look at and accentuate the exceptional times when your H is cleanly. (Just suggestions derived from the book/s)
I hope you fall in love with your H again. I sit on the other side of the fence and my H had an affair. I wish to god he would see all of the good things in me. Books suggest it's only after the affair starts that people see the absolute negatives, because before the affair there was nothing wrong with me.
Realise that the person you had the affair with was on his absolute best behaviour to get you. It's hard enough to attract a single person let alone a married one. Please don't compare your H to him. I'd prefer a guy who lacked affection, tenderness, love and respect than one with these qualities who was prepared to cheat. (Realise I'm dead set against cheating so I won't even consider giving you advice on whether to tell or not.)
My point is look at your H's good qualities and forget the bad ones. From my reading your posts it sounds like your H ain't that bad anyway.
I would like to STRONGLY back up the advice Lostlove gave you. I do understand the need for intimacy in a relationship, but comparing the fantasy land of being in a romantic little bubble with having a marraige with someone who shares the day to day reality of real life with you is just not valid.
Wanna bet Mr. MM has a wife at home who wishes he put some of that romantic effort into their M and make her feel wanted and special?
You have a real opportunity to turn your M around without going through the absolutely devastating experience (for both you and your H) of betrayal coming out into the light of day.
I am not trying to bash you at all here. I just hope that you take advantage of the current situation. Please do read DR and DB. After the Affair has been a big help to many. You might find the Five Love Languages very enlightening. You may find that your H has been expressing a great deal of love all along, but in a different "language" that you aren't picking up on.
THANK YOU - to all of you for your comments and advice. I certainly have a lot of reading and soul searching to do. I know I have a long road ahead of me and a lot of changing to do. I realize now that I need to put the affair in the past and move on. I know there are many things I need to do differently to try to recapture something in my marriage. I will reread each of your messages several times - but I just wanted to say thank you. My affair was a complete accident, not something I ever expected to happen and not something I sought out - and it was brief, not a long ongoing sordid seedy motel affair. It was enough to throw my life completely upside down and spin me around - I do realize the complete fantasy aspects of what happened, but I truly believe I needed this to make me realize that I am worth something. That is really how far down in a hole I've been. I think the OM at least made me start to see some light - and that I have to do SOMETHING about this marriage that has completely disintegrated or I will waste away. And I am glad to know that there are people on here I can come to for advice.
I for one am proud of you for ending your affair before it caused the profound damage it would have caused had you carried it on longer and had your husband find out. I think you are brave for ending it and being willing to take a look at the issues within yourself that led you to make the choice to have the affair in the first place. In my situation my wife is totally unwilling to cut off the OP, continues to "date" him, plans a trip out of town with him (and will lie to our children about who she is with to cover it up) and although she is in therapy, is totally unwilling at present to consider reconciling with me. It's hard as hell to DB under those circumstances, but in your case you have the benefit of NOT having an ongoing affair ruining every effort you make at healing your marriage.
I wish you all the best as you go through the troubled times and do make sure you come back often and check in with us...we are all pulling for you guys. And for what it's worth...be sure to forgive yourself for the affair. If you can't forgive yourself, you won't be able to forgive your husband for what troubles he has caused you, and forgiveness is the KEY to any reconciliation.
Oh wow! I can't believe it is now 3 years since I posted this. This just shows how screwed up marriages really can become. In 2004, I spent a lot of time reading books and articles, talking to close friends, talking to my husband, and trying to change things. Yikes...it is even worse now. I revealed to my husband about the unhappiness in our marriage - the lack of connection, the lack of spirit between us. I gave him books like the 5 love languages with passages highlighted and marked. We took several weekend trips to "talk" about things. I never did reveal the affair. It is a funny thing about affairs - everyone says they are so horrible...however, I think my affair honestly saved my life. The other man actually made me feel like a special person - you have to understand, although we had a physical affair, the majority was emotional because this was long-distance. To have someone actually TALK to me...I mean actually TALK to me, not through me...is very important to me. After a year or so of trying to work with my H it really has gotten to a point of acceptance. My H simply is not able to interact with me at my level. We are on completely diffent planes of life. His inner desire is to have someone to sit on a couch with and watch TV and be quiet and rub each others feet. (Really...he bakes chocolate chip cookies every week...like his mother). I on the other hand, dream about things like hiking the Appalachian trail when we retire and camping and trying new things like rock climbing and talking about all the fun exciting things we could do. I want to come home and see someone with excitement in their eyes who wants to be engaged in life. This is just NOT my husband. It is sad that for me to be fulfilled, I have to find other friends - even if we are talking about platonic friends, men or women, because my husband and I really do not have the same things in common. The thought of sitting around all day watching tv makes me sick. Unfortunately, the thought of laying in bed having sex with someone so dull also makes me cring.
And for those people who will say affairs are so horrible, my A is still going on somewhat...in a long distance way, I am still friends with the OM...we talk frequently about the things we have in common, and he really has no idea my M is so screwed up...I just can't part with someone who make me happy just through our conversations. When exciting things happen to me, I can't wait to tell him - he is genuinely happy for me, whereas my husband has absolutely no reaction to the same things. The OM is 100% committed to his own M, yet we just have a connection. The thing that pisses me off about people who criticize those who have affairs - sometimes there is an honest-to-goodness connection that is there...something that you can't deny, that might not be there in the M, and for me, 4 years has become an important relationship, as crucial to me as any other friendship I've had. For example, I was recently interviewed in a local paper - when I told the OM about it, he was like "WOW! That is totally awesome! I am so happy and excited for you - you are so cool". When my husband saw the article, he was like "hmmmm." That was it.
Allow me to humbly suggest some things to think about:
1. You are still having an affair. It never really ended. If you didn't cut off contact completely, you are still emotionally enmeshed with the OM. And you can't help comparing your husbansd with him. And if the OM is "100% comitted to his own marriage", then what's he doing on the phone talking with you? Aside from your marriage issues, you are not helping the OM with his by being emotionally enmeshed with him. You are hurting his marriage. This connection you have with OM will prevent you from having true honesty/intimacy with your husband, and it's leaking all emotional energy from your marriage. It's not simply "just" a connection: you are in love with another man and having an emotional affair. You have been having an affair for 4 years and haven't told your husband about it.
2. I think if you want your marriage to work, you need to end all contact with that man.
3. I think, perhaps, telling you husband might lead things to a new level of honesty. It might be a wake-up call for him to really start to change, or it might end your marriage. Either way, you will have closure. You end up with either a good marriage or no marriage, rather than an unfulfulling one where you are hiding an affair from your husband. IF you tell him, he may leave you, and then, that's it. If you tell him, he may ask you to end the relationship with other man and you may refuse, which will probably end the marriage. Or, you can tell him and offer to end the relationship with OM with the hope that you two can work things out. Either way, be honest, it will lead to change. So, I would say, tell him.
4. Part of you wants the marriage to work. Maintaining an affair is working against you. Remember -- you never really ended it. Read about emotional affairs. Google the subject -- they are as deadly to marriages as physical affairs.
5. I don't know what your religious/ethical position is. In almost every religion or philosophy, having an affair is considered a lack of honesty and integrity and a form of betrayal. Do you want to live that way? This doesn't mean that you are not getting good things from the OM. In the language of St. Augustine, there is no such thing as pure evil. Even a thief steals in order to enjoy the benefits of what he stole. Does this make any sense? Even Jesus when he was tempted, was tempted with things, under different cicumstances are good: satisfaction of hunger and the excericize of power. So, there's no question that the OM provides you with some legitimately good things, the question is, how do you feel about the fact that you are taking them from his wife, and that you are lying to your husband?
It all boils down to what do you want? A life of honesty or a life of deceit?
I say gp for the honesty. You've tried hiding the affair and trying to "change" your husband -- it doesn't work. Try telliing the truth and see if you can't really work towards a good marriage.
