In the DB book Michelle suggests that you focus on the exceptional times, e.g. when your H does give affection, tenderness, love and respect and accentuate these times.
I also read that others find your H attrative but you don't. Focus on the things that are attractive about your H and possibly let the other things slide, (we all have our uglinesses) and you could look at and accentuate the exceptional times when your H is cleanly. (Just suggestions derived from the book/s)
I hope you fall in love with your H again. I sit on the other side of the fence and my H had an affair. I wish to god he would see all of the good things in me. Books suggest it's only after the affair starts that people see the absolute negatives, because before the affair there was nothing wrong with me.
Realise that the person you had the affair with was on his absolute best behaviour to get you. It's hard enough to attract a single person let alone a married one. Please don't compare your H to him. I'd prefer a guy who lacked affection, tenderness, love and respect than one with these qualities who was prepared to cheat. (Realise I'm dead set against cheating so I won't even consider giving you advice on whether to tell or not.)
My point is look at your H's good qualities and forget the bad ones. From my reading your posts it sounds like your H ain't that bad anyway.
