Take Two ...

[Train]

Today was the first day in a few days that H didn't stop by at lunch to pack more things. So I thought to myself: Awesome. My mind needs a break from hearing from/seeing him. I'll have a day that I can rest my mind and not have to put on my validating, smiling game-face.

Wrong.

He didn't call the kids last night, which is unusual, but I didn't think too much about it. Though he didn't show up here at lunch today, he texted on his lunch break, letting me know his car is having the same troubles as mine, and he was up until the wee-hours of the morning, working on his. He asked how my car was running since he worked on it.

I told him I hate he's having to spend so much time on our cars and that he's taken excellent care of them, but everything naturally gets old and beat-up with age. He replied: "Yeah, just like us." I wrote: "Yep. People, too. They're just not as easy to repair, I guess. Lol."

I am fully aware I can't read into ANYTHING right now. And I've got my mind in such a place that I don't want to lose my stamina. I don't WANT to think of "what-ifs." But I get a sneaking suspicion, with some of the comments he's been making and the ways he's been behaving, that his "wheels are spinning" now. And let's not forget I've been here before.

Here's what my head says and/or knows:

1. The affair has been exposed; I know about it, and so does OW's H.
2. My H - even in his current state of mind - is likely feeling quite a bit of guilt over wrecking not just one but TWO families.
3. Now that the A is exposed, I highly doubt H and OW's texts are the full-blown, porn-like texts they were. Now - and judging even by the text S7 saw on H's phone from OW about her D11 "being upset" - their texts are likely more about struggles and troubles.

That's probably making them re-think just how "miserable" they thought their Ms were in the first place.

Andddddd eureka. That's the anatomy of an affair. It's also why I wholeheartedly believe in exposing them.

Now, before anyone jumps down my throat about "being worried about what he's doing/thinking instead of being worried about myself," please hesitate to do that for at least one moment.

We alllllll think endlessly about our spouses - and their motives and their mentality - in the first weeks following the BD.

How this is helpful to me is that it helps me think ahead and develop my strategy for ME (even, though, yes, there's a great deal of projection and guessing happening in all that). I hate to say it, because this might sound really twisted, but this is kind of like a game of chess at first. I don't HAVE to know my "opponent's" move before I plan my own. But it's smart to guess it. (Switching analogies), if I'm gonna successfully fly a kite, it's helpful if I lick my finger and put it up in the air to see which way the wind is blowing. Right?

To me, the text today "just because" signals that whatever I'm doing is "working" IF I want to bring my H closer to me. In fact, I worked the steps at the beginning of DB - in the event I decide I want to try to save our M (that IS, after all the point of DB) - and one of the "small goals" would be: "He texts me, just because, and it won't have anything to do with the kids."

The fork in the road for me, now that I'm starting to see a few, very minor changes in him, is what *I* want to do if he keeps walking toward me with baby steps.

And, for the life of me, I cannot figure it out.

I don't know what I want. Except a little control. I know I want that.

hs, I ordered that book. Thank you for the recommendation. Can't wait to read it.