The reality is I do not want a woman like this; hence the 'line in the sand'.
Oh, OK -- I think I misunderstood you.
The best way I've seen people articulate these "lines in the sand," as you call them, was a poster that used to be here called Pearlharbor. You may want to see if you can find some of her old posts (she wasn't married, but rather dealing with a long-term committed boyfriend, and his infidelity). She would take his name off of it, and say things like "The man that I have in my life WILL be faithful to me," and "The man that I have in my life WILL be honest and transparent with me," etc.
Then she'd simply say to him "I'm not trying to control you whatsoever. I'm merely telling you what I've decided *I* intend to have for a man in my life, going forward. Whether or not YOU can be that man is completely up to you."
And then she never wavered from that.
It took 10-12x (or more) for her BF to get it, but once he did, he stopped accusing her of trying to control him and was "all in" on the relationship, as I recall.
