She left - 2

[Positivespin]

Go- Here is your list of actions

Stay away from her family- If this is a request from your wife then do it.

Your not going swimming- If your "invited" you cant because you are busy

I was over the top with separation issues when id have to drop D4 off in the AM and know I wouldnt see her again for 3 days. I was hyperventalating, crying screaming and filled with absolute hatred towards my X.

One of the best thing I did in the beginning was no drinking. I didnt have a sip between Jan and Aug 7 2013. It would have been waaaaaaaay to easy to mask the emotions.

Another thing I did was write 2 letters in my journal. #1 was to my Daughter #2 was to my X. Yes this forum is great but there are just some emotions so raw that need to come out- with no regrets later on.

"Do what works" - You have learned thus far....visiting her family does not, dressing smartly DOES, being more relaxed DOES, Spending time as a family does not - AT THIS TIME.

You need to continue your focus on being a strong INDIVIDUAL. Your still trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

You are doing well....this is an absolute bizitch- If I can share with you one thing to save you from another unnecessary punch to the gut-----thats why we are here

[gogofo]

Last night I got clarification from the W. We sent text messages back and forth and here is a basic run down of the events.

The W was upset and confused that I gave the girls birthday cards. She thinks I did not like them and feels I was doing it just to mess with her.

I told her that I had been doing a lot of thinking and love them and miss them. I have had time to think about things lately.

W then said the fact that I am nice and considerate now after being a d!ck for so many years makes her furious. She said that I just would have had to give an inch and she would not have left, and now I am going miles.

I respond that I understand how she would be angry and it would be hard to like someone who is selfish. I have been working on myself and did not like who I was and needed to take an honest look at myself. I had not liked myself in quite a while.

Wife then said that I don't like her either so she can't understand any of this. So I asked her to clarify and she sent back a list of things like not liking her music, clothes, friends, hair cut, etc. and "until recently, her family".

I respond that I can see how she would feel that way and how she would feel that I did not like her, but that is not how I felt. I then decided to get flat out honest and direct (honest and direct talk has been a 180 for me) and said that I still really like you I just did not know how to properly express it before.

The last thing she said was that she does not believe me or trust me.

I simply responded that I understand your trust is broken and you don't believe me. I just left it at that.

This was a very honest talk from her and I responded with honesty. There were things she said that I do not agree with, but did not feel the need to argue or try to prove my point. I just did not address the things I felt she was incorrect about.

It seems she has changed her perception of me to convince herself to leave. I did do things (give and inch) before she left. One thing that goes against her perception of me now is that I took a day off of work to watch our 3 nieces and my two boys so the W and SIL could spend a whole day together for her birthday. I was at home for 12 plus hours with 5 kids and told them to do what they want, no curfew or anything. In her mind this must not have constituted giving an inch. Looking back by this time I think there probably wasn't much I could have done to change her mind.

Hell, the BIL, SIL, and nieces moved in with us a year before our separation because the SIL was sick and needed health care and help around the house. I guess this may have been overlooked as I more than happy to have them with us. I cooked for everyone, cleaned, etc. Even was washing and bathing all the nieces and our kids, alone, when the W and BIL were working late. She may have forgot the 6 weeks they lived with us though...

She seems to have picked through our M and R, blown up issues, and painted me to be something I was not. She is not remembering any of the good times we had. Maybe it is to make it easier to leave me.

Don't know if I should have been as honest as I was, but nothing I said to her was a lie. I fully understand that if that is who she felt I was, those feelings she had are real and she really felt that way. I am not trying to manipulate her actions in any way. I feel her anger may be because her perception of me does not match who I am.

[gogofo]

Go- Here is your list of actions

Stay away from her family- If this is a request from your wife then do it.

Your not going swimming- If your "invited" you cant because you are busy

I do not agree with the "stay away from her family" comment. I would agree if I was showing her that I was doing these things, trying to show off to her. She found out that I gave the cards to the girls, I did not tell her and was never going to do so. This was a gift from their uncle. The SIL even told me that I would still be their uncle, no matter what happened. I am even a godfather to the middle girl. I am not religious, but this still has some significance to me.

In my opinion, if she is uncomfortable with me being involved with her family while they still like me it is an issue that she needs to work through. It does not match her perception of me, but I don't think I should back off because she does not like it. My continued contact with them has nothing to do with manipulating the W. I do not discuss the W or our R with her family or ask them to talk to her. The BIL and SIL even called two weeks ago and invited me out, there is no animosity between us and I do not feel the least bit awkward about it.

Why would you suggest no taking up on the invitation to go swimming? I am curious on your thinking here. After our messaging session last night, I highly doubt that the invitation will come.

[Positivespin]

I do not know your extended family (her family)however I do know the reality of many families who are stuck in a sim sitch.

They didnt do this and they DO like you. At the end of the day they need to side with your wife. Women also talk, did (or will) your wife ever tell her sister that your recent change of attitude towards them is surprising? I understand your the "uncle" but at the end of the day they will circle the wagons- even if they disagree with her actions.

Your not going swimming because she needs to have a chance to miss you. She needs to have a day with family and friends and she needs to remember some of the good times she had which included you. Right now she is pissed off because she thinks your putting on a act and if this was the "real" you- you wouldnt have been the dink you were the last year.

This is a marathon sir- your prob sick of hearing this by now. You in her face right now, instituting the changes youve been reading about, and making the effort that you are right now is still being seen as an act.The reality is youve been doing this three months but you were absent the twelve before. Keep up the hard work on yourself but SHE NEEDS TO MISS YOU!!!!!

[gogofo]

Missing me is the reason I thought you were going to say, and I completely understand that.

I have been wavering back and forth as to what I would say if I was invited.

One part of me says I would need to go to show that I like her family and we can have fun together. Basically a 180 and showing that my interaction with her family wasn't a show or manipulation. This would be an easier option to let go of if it wasn't one of my 180s.

The other part of me says that she needs to miss me, and I understand how important this is. But I was also "absent" during our last 6 months.

It would be the first thing besides dinner at her house I would be invited to. But no need to worry about it, there is basically a zero possibility that the invitation will come.

I did refuse an invitation to the actual birthday party from the SIL, knowing that there would be a possibility of creating additional issues and that everyone would be uncomfortable.

[Positivespin]

The part of you that says "I would need to go to show that I like her family and we can have fun together"- needs to be hushed

Right now cant you plan something to do that day?????? (and it cant be work related) if she does grudgingly invite you youll be busy- but not with work.

Remember (and this applies to me as well) You werent just absent. You were absent AND you were a dink to be with when you were there. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- What happens when she realizes your not a dink to be with anymore???? Will she maybe want to ask you to spend time with her? (Note; This change does not happen quickly)

GREAT CALL ON THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

[gogofo]

Understand a little more now.

I guess she will be upset too because I sent a baby present and card to a couple I would consider mutual friends, but was her friend first.

Any advice on if I should tell her or wait to see if her friend tells her? Again, was not a manipulation tactic but I am sure it will be seen that way.

[gogofo]

I have been thinking that if I told her about the baby gift in advance it would show that I am not trying to manipulate her.

I know I shouldn't be concerned so much with her feelings, but I don't want to take any more steps backwards.

I know not one thing will make or break us, but sometimes it still feels this way.

[gogofo]

Do I owe her an explanation?

[Positivespin]

Stop overthinking

If she says something about it dont apologize (you did nothing wrong) but say you understand- let her bring it up and let her talk and dont interrupt

Its all coming from a good place - She doesnt understand that now. Also, this is a time when if you sneeze it would be "wrong".

Right now its all about you and your sons