Thanks for making me a fighter...

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Beatrice, but I have a hard time thinking H is just lashing out because of what he has lost. I can't see that right now. I just see him as someone who hates me and wants to win at any cost.

Right now I don't have compassion for H. I see what he is trying to do to me and what he IS doing to our kids and it makes me angry. I try to acknowledge the anger and feel it and move on. I do NOT want to be one of those people who are bitter and vindictive. H will not hold me back in that regard. But I would be lying if I said it was easy.

And yes, I still backtrack to moments where I envision H and OW happy as clams and "so in love" and I feel sad. I fight myself and tell myself not to go there because it is all contrived in my head and I don't know reality. I get angry with myself that after two years I still venture down that path.

H is desperate and grasping at straws. And what kills me most is that when all of this is said and done, H will want to be my friend and pretend nothing ever happened. That is just part of H's crazy.

I need to get back into counseling before I jump back on the crazy train.

WH