Take Two ...

[Train]

I know I am inundating this thread with information right now, but while I'm still in moderation mode - and while I'm thinking of things - I'm just going to keep truckin' ...

I haven't exactly gone dark with H. But I barely text him. When I do, it's usually about the kids, or it's something I know he'll find interesting or amusing (but that's maybe once or twice a week). As I've explained (likely ad nauseam), I'm rather upbeat when he stops by here.

He hasn't mentioned S or D since he knew I had my L appt. I'm thinking I already mentioned that.

But here's the rub:

I REALLY don't have the desire to pursue him or to talk about the R. At all. I don't want to. In fact, he told me a couple weeks ago that he's been "writing about his last 10 years" and would like to give me a copy so I can better understand his decision to leave. First, he's not a writer, so that's already weird. I politely, but firmly, told him a big fat "no thanks." It hadn't even been a week since I busted him and OW planning a rendezvous at the hotel. I don't believe enough time and distance separates his affair (duh ... it's ongoing) and any epiphany he may think he's had over why he's supposedly been miserable in our M for 10 years. And that's what I told him.

Am I curious? Yeah. But do I think it would help me to read his diarrhea? Not one iota. So, yeah. No, thank you.

Here's what I *am* curious about, though:

Though I DID give H the option of staying here at first and working on the M - if AND ONLY IF he ended his A - I am the one who has pursued the S/D. I am the one who filled out the paperwork and met with a L. I'm the one who took the initial steps to end this M. I told him, a few weeks after I initiated it, that I had half-a-mind to stop and have him pay to file and handle all the ridiculous paperwork to do it.

He half-heartedly said if I was "done trying" (I think he meant trying to work on the paperwork and get in to see my L) that he'd "handle it from here."

He knows I still met with the L.

I haven't mentioned to him, since the initial BD, that I would even *think* to consider working on our M if he would agree to IC and/or MC. I also have not told him that I hate the idea of D because of how it destroys families, changes children ... and costs a bloody fortune.

As far as he knows, I'm moving in the S/D direction boldly ... and the next written communication he (and, likely, OW) will receive from me will be S papers.

So I missed a step in DB. I didn't tell him what I want. Well, I told him what I wanted at the time, in the heat of the moment, but I've changed my mind (and verbalized it) a few times. Lol. But I haven't told him what I want now that things are settled a tad.

I'm sort of feeling I should just let sleeping dogs lie right now. I should just keep working my "steps" for the kids and me and let him feel the dust I'm kicking up.

But then I think: My H has crappy self-esteem. He likes to be chased, I think. (Even the very day after the hotel-chaos, he came over to work on my car, and we split a 12-pack and actually laughed more together than we have in a while. I know that sounds really, really ... really ... odd. But it was almost as if the confrontation from the night before ... the barrage of information I sent him (all that I had neatly stockpiled and waited for just. the. right. moment. to fire off) ... relieved us both. Everything was in the open. All the cards were on the table.

There's a part of me that thinks, even as mad as he was at "all the sh!t I was pulling" the night before (his words), I also think he loved the fire in me. He hasn't seen that in me in quite some time. He loved and (somehow, maybe) valued that I was willing to fight - and fight BIG - for him. I actually didn't do any of it FOR him. I did it because my ego is a big, green monster that I had a hard time suppressing that night, and I wanted to show them that they have to get up a lot earlier in the morning to pull one over on ME. But, you know, the struggling-self-esteem-H sees what he wants to see, soooooo I think he looked at it, even if only subconsciously, as me "fighting for what's mine" ....

Good lawd that's a lot of explaining to get to a couple little questions:

Should I just keep doing what I'm doing? (I'm not initiating contact. I'm not snooping. I'm cheerful and purty and a little mysterious when he sees me.) Or should I chase him a little, since that's what he seems to be about? (OW is texting him now about her D11 being upset, etc. Bound to become a wake-up call to H soon that the hot, steamy side of that R is probably over, for the most part, and good ol' family-responsibility reality is setting in. *I* don't even text him when our kids are whining - duh.) Fact is: I don't even KNOW how to effectively "chase" somebody; is that bad?? And should I tell him what I wish for? Or just ignore that step all together ... mainly because I don't KNOW what I wish for right now?

I mean, I would like for us to wait until *at least* June (3 months after he left) to even talk about S/D again. I think our minds will be a little clearer from the B *he* dropped with the A ... and the B *I* exploded with the hotel/information "purging" from 1.5 weeks ago. Should I tell him that? Or let sleeping dogs lie?

As an aside, I'm supposed to be taking the kids to the beach end of April. Since he'd be giving up 3 days with them for me to go, I told him he could come to the beach to hang with them, which would free me up to spend a day on the beach, relaxing, alone. He said he would probably take me up on that and might actually plan to stay a night.

That's progress, I think, whether we work to repair our M or choose to become co-parents.

At the end of the day, what I really want is for us to (as quickly as possible) reach a "new normal," mainly for the kids' sakes. Fake it 'til we make it, at least. I'm realistic enough to know that he won't always leave his car running in the driveway when he picks up/drops off the kids. He won't always feel the need to text me before he calls so I don't answer the phone. He won't always avoid me like the plague.

We don't HAVE to end up together. But we do have to get along and co-parent. I'm ready to treat him like a co-parent. He's apparently not quite there.