tbm4evr ...continued2

[tbm4evr]

Thanks Sandi
..I will report back ..taking your advice and working things right now.

[tbm4evr]

I'll make this brief ..lol ...sorry but I hope some will take the time to read my story.

Well this is where things stand. Friday night I told W that she needs to treat me with respect. That way I will do those things for her that make things run smoothly in our home/lives and i expect her to do the same for me. If not I told her she can move out and that I am not. She said you can't make me move out and if D takes till December she's staying. I told her to think about it, I'm not a doormat and good night.

Saturday morning I take son and daughter to son's basketball game and W says shes going to the gym. We get home and W texts me can I get you lunch? That's a first in months! We hang out watching the NCAA tourney all day with small talk - i let her do the talking i listened - friendly cordial conversation. Later in the afternoon she says girlfriend text her to go out and would I drive them to a local sports bar - i said ok. That's the first time she has asked me to help with something like that in months. She has been so detached ...trying to be independent.

Next morning, W sleeping as she got in at 230 am ..i let her sleep and took kids to church and then afterwards took daughter to birthday party and son to his basketball game. After game W texts do we want to meet for lunch? Said ok and we had nice lunch. She then left to pick up our daughter and son and I went home. She came home later and I had to leave to go to a CoDa meeting. She text me on my way home to pick up a couple things and said she's making dinner and we can get kids down and eat when I get home.

Here's the kicker ...what I'm trying to figure out. After dinner, She says we've had an good couple days EXCEPT for Friday night where "I wanted her to pack her bags". I didn't want an argument and just said i explained Friday how it needs to be and no need to carry on with this at end of our weekend. We then digress and she shows me some pics on her phone of friends with her that they took when she was out. Then says oh I'm not supposed to show you personal stuff ..i say huh ..and she says part of how to divorce ..and that we should tell the kids about the D and she needs to look for a house and she doesn't love me or have those feelings anymore and can't get them back? Her mood swings are crazy. Earliest D would be done is August and Friday she said she would stay till December if that's what it took ..so I don't get it ... She had a few moments with a certain smile or look that i know portrayed her old self ..if that makes sense. When I pointed it out I could tell she was trying to purse the smile and fight it..it was quite amusing. That's where we left things ...was getting late and said goodnight to one another and headed to our respective rooms.

W said my behavior towards her (giving her independence not controlling) has been a nice change but she doesn't think it will last. I've been GAL with two clubs I joined, getting back into some old hobbies, making new friends, etc. But what I have described above and how we have both lived the past couple days is not DETACHING. I am curious if W will drop the "wall she has built around her" a couple inches. It's tough living together with our kids who are 9 and 5 ..the way we live seems to go against Sandi's rules ...but can you truly be detached from one another in this sitch or can you strike a balance and still have DB work.

I need to understand and straighten things out looking at the "big picture". I still think she is in EA. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Thank you.

[tbm4evr]

Hello again everyone, especially those who have been reading my posts and helping me. I thank you. I just read chapter 6 in DB book again. It says you might have to adapt or modify the techniques slightly to fit your marriage. This past weekend W and I showed some respect for each other and things seemed much better in my view - want to emphasise in "my view". Although W expressed her wishes to still divorce and that she does not love me, I felt that maybe the way we behaved towards one another may have her bring down her boundaries a tiny bit and get a little personal which she seemed to indicate is a no - no when you file. I am however wondering if I am reading to much into it. As Sandi said "You do not have a healthy M, but at times you seem to forget that fact and seem to expect her to just wake up one day and everything resume to normal." I'm not looking at everything to resume to normal but could this be baby steps. Feel the water so to speak and see how she reacts. I think if she slowly brings down her boundaries we may be able to connect on a more real/genuine level. Ive been listening more and talking much less, changing my style and shes noticing because she asked if I was ok and I said yeah why and she said because you used to never shut up ..lol. We are meeting after work at a political function ...i was thinking to ask if she wants to go out afterwards for a coffee/cocktail. If she says yes I suppose that's good ...if she says no well then I guess she will look at it as me pursuing and a big turnoff ...probably i'm D this guy and why is he not quitting But is it worth taking this approach if she is in an A? I'm not sure what to do.

Confused,
tbm

[paul19510]

Imho if she is in an affair..thefact that you had a good weekend is good. Its probably not a reason to ask her out for a drink. You will get rejected and she will back off...my 2 cents. Its too soon to tell anything

[sandi2]

You are trying to make too much out of it. Look, you stood up to her and she treated you a lot nicer........and that's all it is. Trust me, it will not last b/c she will test you to see if you will be her doormat or not. And it will throw you for a loop b/c you are already confused and wondering if this is her trying. No, it is not her trying. But you see how she does know how to act nice!

This is exactly how my H would act. I had to be cold to him b/c if I ever smiled or said a kind word, he thought we were on our way to reconciling. I could see it in his face! She will not be so nice if you let down your guard and give her the impression you are wondering if this is a positive step. Big mistake!

You spoke words to her..... about her needing to give you respect. But the test is coming. Don't be confused. Don't be taken off guard. Be ready.

You can do this!

[tbm4evr]

Thanks Sandi. I so respect your opinion. At the event tonight my W was talking to some people and it was after 7pm ..she got a sitter till 830 ..Instead of asking her to go out for a drink before heading home i said I'm leaving to meet a friend and will be home later. She said i still need dinner. I said I'm sure they're something at home or pick something up on your way home ...if your pressed for time and want to text me i could maybe grab you something ....but I made no big deal of it and then just said see you. I think your advice was perfect ..she seemed a little annoyed that I interrupted her conversation but I didn't just want to leave without even a goodbye. I think what you and Paul said was right on ...she would not have wanted to go out with me to get a bite to eat or a drink. You say the test is coming ..what do you mean ..what do I need to be ready for? Thanks again.

[tbm4evr]

W texts me as im leaving friends place and asks if i could bring home some single dollar bills for something for kids school. I text back sure and got home at 10pm and W was watching tv. She says hi and I said great political campaign kickoff event tonight. She couldn't stop talking about it ...i just listened ...made a few comments but nothing to start a debate. I did say I would have like to have been introduced to a couple of the senators she was talking to as i had never met them. W responded saying "with everything going on why would I". I dont know if i should consider that disrespectful; she didn't say it in a mean way just as a matter of fact. She moved around at the event talking to the people she knew and I did my thing. I didn't want to follow her around. When things were good between us we moved around together and we would introduce each other with "this is my husband, x" and vice versa. When we were talking at home I moved from sitting on the carpet to the couch where she was and she said can you give me some space ...i said sure I'm going to go to bed anyway, so I got up, said goodnight first and went to bed. I heard her come up an hour later.

This morning W says shes taking our daughter to the store after work to get some birthday presents for our son - he turns 6 this week. I said fine, I will pick them up from school, get through there school stuff and have our daughter ready to go. W said we can talk later about dinner plans. I said fine. W said when she gets back from shopping she's making cupcakes for school for our boys birthday. I plan to just leave her alone doing that tonight unless she asks for my help.

We are working together to get the household and other duties done as we always have. As long as she is respectful of me i can live with that. I will admit that the perception I had before when things were this way was that the marriage relationship is getting normal and we can get back to being that happy family. But Sandi has opened my eyes, just because W and I are working together to do what needs to be done is not having my W stop the D. She is just being nice and if I let down my guard and assume this is a positive step and pursue her in any way like trying to do lunch or hug/touch her, I know she will not be so nice. My plan is to just get on with GAL, work on my behavioral 180s and just see where it goes... if anyone thinks I'm "off base" in my approach, I welcome your feedback.

[sandi2]

I did say I would have like to have been introduced to a couple of the senators she was talking to as i had never met them. W responded saying "with everything going on why would I". I dont know if i should consider that disrespectful; she didn't say it in a mean way just as a matter of fact.

Remember this experience and what she said. B/c when she gets miffed at you the next time she doesn't think you've shown enough consideration toward her......quote those words back, "With everything going on, why should I?"

Here's the thing about disrespect when it has been going on for a long time. You almost get accustom to it. If you don't speak up and stop it, for whatever reason, the next is a little worse. I think most men notice it and don't like it, but they think it wasn't bad enough to get into an argument with the W or have her sulked.....so he lets it pass.

When you wanted to sit on the couch, and she asked if you would give her space, were you sitting up against her? If not, you should have calmly but firmly told her that you will not sit on the carpet like the family pet and if she is that uncomfortable, she can move.

I know you have to choose your battles, and I'm not saying to make a huge scene over something minor.....but can you see the disrespect in her wanting you to move off the couch? She got away with it, so the next act of disrespect will be a little stronger. Those are tests. Just like a schoolyard bully, you have to stand your ground.

How can you be ready? One way is to imagine different scenarios and how you would respond. How would you handle it if she said something similar in front of other people? What would you do if she made a cutting remark about you (or to you)in front of your children or friends? Expect it, b/c she will try to see how far she can push your respect button.

[tbm4evr]

Thanks Sandi. I wasn't next to her but just sitting on the other end of the couch. I should have stood my ground. I need to stand up to her ...i thought it would piss her off but I can see what you mean by for her to respect me i need to stand up. Can you tell me why she will escalate her disrespect for me and see how far she can push my disrespect button? What good comes out of that ...

[tbm4evr]

Good morning,

Yesterday went smoothly; W and me discussed things in the morning and we both did our part to get the days tasks done.

W and daughter went shopping for son's birthday presents. They left at 6 and I thought they would be home by 730 but arrived at 9. I made nothing of it but of course my daughter gave me the details of where they went. In the past i would have complained about her being out past daughters bedtime, if she wasnt shopping for herself she could have been home at a more reasonable time, etc. - those days are long gone though. One of the stores is where my W's girlfriend works in the cosmetics department, so I just casually said was "xx" working tonight and she said yes and started talking about the great deals she got. Last time I raised hell because she spent $2000, this time she said she didn't spend as much as last time. I didnt say a word about what was spent just said those products she sells really seem to be working for you - W is one to fight the aging process with botox, etc She says "yeah my friends say that too" and then says "its also that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel" ....i knew exactly what she meant -the D- and I just said "come on" ..she smiled ...and I dropped it. She then showed me the gifts she picked up for our son and I showed her a couple things I picked up for him too. We decided to go out for dinner with grandparents and an aunt for our son's birthday on Friday and then back to our house for cake.

It was now after 10 and W said she was going to bake cupcakes for son's birthday for school. So I let her do her thing and stayed out of the kitchen - she always hated how i used to hover over her, hang around and watch what she did. But at one point I went to the kitchen, and on the counter were the utility bills - she says can you pays those? I said with the agreements we have with the D we are to both pay what we have always paid. She says I'm broke. I said fine I'll pay it. I said remember we've got taxes due April 15 and are going to pay alot. She said I've always paid the bills and we've always saved your paychecks. I said "Well that's because you can't save. Depending on where things go I don't have a problem pooling our paychecks in one account as long as we can agree on an amount to save every month." She said you haven't suggested that in all the time we've been married. I said if it bothers you that much, it's fine as long as we agree on what's saved because I know you will burn through the money - that's where I left it; got a beer and went back to watching the hockey game. The conversation was not argumentative at all and lasted only a few minutes.

Once W has cupcakes in oven, W comes and sits with me and asks if i can pick up kids from school tomorrow and get a tupperware container for the cupcakes and says "we" can use it next year. I said sure. She said she's going to go to the gym and tanning and will pick up dinner and decorate the cupcakes with the kids tomorrow evening. I said great and that it was getting late so good night and headed off to bed -Since her filing for D, I have always been saying goodnight first; just figure I'll give her the space - we used to always head to bed together at the same time.

This morning we do our normal routine, once W gets to work she texts me that she pulling tax stuff together and says she doesn't see that our tax estimate was paid in January. I just text her back "you know what happened"- meaning she filed so I had to pay for an attorney - and "we may still be ok on taxes no stress". I was going to say that the taxes were the least of my worries considering we are going through D process but didnt.

Have a great day everyone. Always appreciate anyone's insight.

tbm