Take Two ...

[Train]

HopefulStill, thank you. Seriously. Thanks.

I'll take "ballsy." Lol!

I have two other posts that haven't posted yet, so forgive me if I repeat anything; I forget all I wrote in the last ones.

I think, first, H and I got into a pattern of making our M all about our kids, and we would squeeze in time for US just once a week, if that. Most times, when we got together, we talked only about work and kids. (What else is there to talk about, really?!??) We're both very attentive parents, both doting, etc. I'm more a disciplinarian (I assume you already figured - ha). With me being a SAHM and homeschooling my S, soooo much of my life revolves around the kids.

He picked up the second job in September. So we haven't seen much of him since then. (BTW, when he first took the 2nd job, it was supposed to be only 2 nights a week and Saturdays. He started going 4-5 nights a week and Saturday because they appreciate him sooo much and applaud how "innovative" he is. This will be important to remember a little later in what I post.) But when he's home, he's usually spending his time building Legos with S7 or playing in the dollhouse with our D2.

I also think the same problems linger from last time. My self-esteem is generally pretty good. I mean, it has taken a little hit with me feeling like a couch potato all the time as a SAHM. But I throw a workout in a time or three a week to make myself feel a little better. I'm a pretty confident person by-nature, though. Not overly confident. I just know what makes me good and decent and lovable. That's all.

My H's self-esteem is dirt poor. He constantly needs accolades and praise. He's definitely a "words of affirmation" guy.

I TRY. I really do. Even though it feels so unnatural for me.

But, for instance, just before the A was exposed, we exchanged words over his old bike-riding trophies. I think trophies are HIDEOUS and dust-collectors. The gold color - and the ugly primary-colored foil crap on them - irks the snot out of me. And they're from, like, AGES ago. He is constantly putting them in the most obvious places. I won awards for my work at my job. He keeps putting my awards up on a wall in our office. And I keep taking them down. They're 10 years old! I don't need a constant reminder of my past successes in life; I carry those in my heart. But he's desperate for attention and praise. He's proud of himself for things he did 20 freaking years ago. So he wants his trophies on display for allllll the world to see.

Looking back, the spat over the trophies is stupid and trivial. I get it. I should have worked with him on that instead of telling him his hideous years-old trophies would be better suited in his garage, where he spends much of his time working on bikes, cars etc. But that might give you a real-life example of how we interact when we disagree ... and probably one of the main ways we're different ... and probably one of the main reasons our M breaks down.

He needs to work on his self-esteem. I need to work on complimenting him more and truly taking time to HEAR what he's saying and where he's coming from. He needs to step up some, and I need to step BACK some.

That's another thing: I'm a talker. I hash things out right when they start to bother me. That's how I was raised. His family is different. They're non-confrontational. Dad wears the belt and Mom keeps her mouth shut. My "ballsy-ness" is one thing my H says he LOVES about me. (Until he leaves; THEN, he hates that about me.) But sometimes I think it makes him feel like less of a man to have a W who is confident and "ballsy." And I should keep that in mind, too, and let him lead once in a while. It would take great faith for me to do that, especially when he doesn't have the best track-record of making great decisions. But that's something I could do. Maybe having that "lead" would help him make better decisions eventually. I dunno.

He keeps stopping by the house to move more things out; he came by at lunch today and - in case I didn't mention this in an earlier post - I offered to warm up leftovers for lunch. He hesitated, then accepted. He stayed outside and ate outside, then thanked me when he brought his plate back in. Some days, he seems comfortable. Other days he avoids me. Typical for a WAS. I'm the water and just let it roll off my back no matter WHO he's being at any given moment.

Just a few weeks ago, he was here at lunch and ate with the kids and me. He got up and gave me a one-armed hug, then started massaging my neck and kissed my cheek. That was the first time he touched me since he left. Then, I mentioned something sarcastic about OW a day or two later, and he lashed out. He thinks I'm "going after her," and that pushes his buttons - bad. So I immediately decided I'd never mention anything about her with sarcasm again. He's been nicer since I have been more tight-lipped. But he also hasn't touched me since. He barely looks me in my eyes. He said I am being a "sarcastic b!tch" and that I need to stop going after OW. And he said he doesn't want to send me "mixed signals."

I think he *IS* a mixed signal.

This roller coaster is making me a little nauseous. And the ride has just started. Ugh.

Okay, cake-eating is a new term for me. What is it? If I'm assuming properly, it's a person who wants his cake and to eat it, too? Now to ME, that would mean that he's dipping a little into both pools, yes? I can't say he's doing that so much. He really does avoid me like the plague right now when he's here. And he's only here out of necessity, to move more things. Or to pick up/drop off the kids.

I don't want to encourage this "cake-eating." Because even though cake-eating SOUNDS good, I'm thinking - based on context clues - it's not a good thing in this case. I'm on the fence about asking him if he'd like lunch the few times he pops in here. On the one hand, that could come across as me pursuing and letting him "cake-eat." On the other hand, it's a gesture of kindness I can give during these otherwise rough, stressful times. And considering he's still giving me both of his main-job paychecks, offering him leftovers is probably the least I can do. Lol.