//How do I get the addict seperated from the drug?//
You don't. You remove yourself from her life until (and that may be never) she works through her own issues.
Of course that is easier said than done. Personally I failed miserably at it. But with hindsight being 20/20, here are some lessons that I learned the hard way:
1) Ask her to leave and find a new place to live until the affair is over. It is unreasonable to ask you to move out of your bed, or to live with a spouse who is engaged in an affair. If she is unwilling to leave or end the affair, then I would file for D immediately.
You will be told not to give ultimatums. I disagree. At some point, you have to draw a boundary and say "This is something I am not willing to accept". I wish I had the courage to say "I am not willing to live with you while you are engaged in an affair. If you are not willing to end the affair, or move out, then I need to begin the legal process required to enforce this boundary; that legal process is called divorce"
I cannot overstate how emotionally abusive it is to live with someone you love who is actively engaged in an affair. It will create lots of conflict that will counter most of the things you are trying to achieve with DB'ing. I don't recommend doing it.
You should never tolerate an affair, or live in an emotionally abusive environment in hopes that you can "wait it out".
2) Get away. While this is working itself out, I would make myself scarce. Just leave the house. Go for walks, hang out at the mall, get away from her. Of course, constructive GAL is better than wasting time, but I would do whatever you can to avoid contact with her.
3) Bite your tongue. There are so many things you want to say, and probably have the right to say. You probably have logical arguments for what is in her best interest and what you deserve as her husband. Explaining anything to her right now is a total waste of time. Save your energy and avoid the conflict that talking to her will cause.
This includes getting drawn into petty mind games about ring-wearing and other such distractions. Let her behave like a child and just walk away. Do not engage with her.
4) Start moving on. Actively begin thinking about what your future without her will be like. Where will you live? what will your budget look like? How will you spend your time? Start putting plans in place to transition into this new life. Specifically, I would consult a lawyer and start separating/protecting yourself financially.
One of the mistakes I made was to pay all the household bills. I established a precedence that forced me to continue paying all the bills throughout the whole divorce process. It is a minor thing, but make sure you have good legal council and are proactively making these kinds of decisions.
I really feel for you. I know exactly how hard what you are going through is. These are just my thoughts. Take them into consideration. listen to the advice of others. In the end, there are no right answers.
Above all - do not beat yourself up for making mistakes. We all make them. Moving on, doing 180's, detaching, keeping slient, etc... are incredibly difficult things to do. Just keep moving forward.
