She left - 2

[ye21]

Gogofo,

Another 180 will be when they go swimming all weekend. When we talked she expressed feeling trapped and controlled. I could not go and do things and she felt that I prevented her and the kids from going alone. In retrospect I am sure she felt this way, but I wanted to go with them during those times and felt terrible I couldn't but I can't express that to her.

So you said she will feel trapped? Ok, easy here...dont go, bite your tongue and find another activity.... Go see your friends, go hiking by yourself...

Should I offer to gather their swim stuff? I have trouble with exactly how much support to show or offer.

When she goes to a restaurant... Does she choose her dish? I guess she does...if she wants you there, SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW...

With a WAS the LBS has to wait until they express interest in them, is this correct?
Correct, thats why its so important to be patient...she has to clean her side of the street....

When she talked about her thoughts of D and waiting for me to like her again it blew my mind. It has given me an irrational worry that she is waiting for me to pursue, but this can't be correct.

Ya ya ya....simple words.... We as DBing dont pursue even if she wants that... You want a WOMAN by your side, one that tells you how much they love to be around you...if after marrying her, building a family with her, being nice with her after she walk away, she needs more proof... She knows what you feel and if she doesnt, remain calm, one day she will ask you, meanwhile she is a WAS that likes your changes, doesnt like not being part of those changes (getting little by little out of the WAW fog) and wants to not recognize yet her part of responsability on this.... You feel happier with her approaching you, but she still being your drug... Give yourself and her more time, read WAW cases here and you will see that when they came out of the fog they did everything to go back with the LBS...

So far your W its just being cordial and stills trowing "blame" on you because she feels you didnt like her....let her show you something more, much more solid, she stills seems confussed and you want a woman with a clear idea that she wants to be with you...

[Barrybran]

It's a tough one gogofo. I had a brief period in January where my wife's attitude towards me was a 180 and she was all over me. I stuck to the DB principles, let her initiate and she cited that she was initiating everything and it felt like we were "sweeping everything under the carpet". Unfortunately, I'm back at the start with a hostile wife so it's a reminder to make sure those changes stick and not to get sucked into the good times if they happen again.

I hope someone has some 'to do' tips for you rather than just 'not to do' tips.

[gogofo]

Just venting some anger.

I'm really upset and angry with my W right now. When my oldest son told me he loved me and would miss me and gave me a big hug it broke my heart. He is catching on to the situation and he should not have to miss his mom or dad. The kids are just innocent bystanders in this, yet they have to share in the pain.

I am completely pissed off that she chooses to live across town and that she chose to move out instead of directly addressing the issues she has in our M. We could have and can still work on us from the same house so the kids don't have to be separated.

I am pissed that she may have moved out and separated because of the convenience of the rent free vacant home. I feel this was a selfish act that has done unnecessary emotional pain to more than just her and I.

I am pissed at me for not recognizing what the issues were in our relationship and my personal unhappiness and the effect it had on the W and my family.

And ultimately I am pissed that I cannot openly express my feelings, pain, pleasure, happiness, disappointments, joy, fears, hopes, dreams, etc with her because the WAS does not care about these things unless it is what they feel. The emotional state of the LBS means nothing to them.

Wooooooooooo (big exhale). I feel a little better now. I needed to get that out of me.

[hrthrt9]

gogofo-

I second so much of that emotion. You made me feel better--even though I KNOW I'm not alone, it still helps to KNOW that I'm not alone...if that makes sense. Keep Dbing---you still have time. My W filed Friday, so all I can do is continue to work on me, be the best dad I can, and see if she "comes back" some day...

[gogofo]

The new toughest part of my situation right now is not listening to her emotions and how she felt, but rather that my emotions and feelings do not matter right now.

It is unnatural to listen and not comment, even if I don't agree with her recollection of things that happened.

I am going to be rereading DR this week in the evenings to refresh myself of the concepts as my situation has changed a little with us planned to have dinner together again this week.

[Buddy]

Go
I share the feelings of frustration to those you have expressed. It’s very tough and you’re doing great DBing to use the boards to vent (as opposed to communicating to the WAS).
I feel in my case the WAS is being selfish and the experience of me and our baby daughter are being ignored or rationalised. & that is hard for me to “bury”.

How I (try to) deal with this is to accept that I cannot control my WAS’ thinking or behaviour and that I don’t have perfect information about what she’s going through. It’s using the “act as if” concept to help see and think about all of her actions in the best possible light.


WASs are often very afraid and fear is a difficult to overcome. If people let their fear win-out, they suffer the most.

Despite everything, be gentle and kind & you’ll sleep easy.

Take care mate
Buddy.

[gogofo]

The W just called and asked if there was "something we needed to talk about"? I had no idea what she was getting at so I asked her why? Her reply was "the drop in visits to her family".

On Sunday I went and bought two birthday cards for my nieces because one has a birthday on the 25th and the other on the 1st. I know it would be awkward if I showed up at the party, if they have one, so I drove to my sister in laws house and dropped off the cards. They were all sleeping so I left them on the counter and drove home.

This apparently his angered the wife. She was asking why I did it since in her words "I never cared to get them anything for their birthday before". I simply replied that we used to do the gift together and I knew that we weren't doing it together so I got them a card.

The actions I am showing with her family by still staying involved with them is really making her mad. I think it is because she convinced herself that I did not like her family and she thinks that I am doing this to manipulate her. Seems to be a big sore spot with her. She was upset in February when I delivered some sausages to her family and hung out.

I know she is mad because in the past I had made it seem like it was nothing but a big inconvenience to visit her family and that I was miserable when doing so. In the past there were times when visiting that I did not enjoy, but in the last year or two we had enjoyable times at their house. She has revised her history to not remember these times, and the time she does remember it was good because I "actually tried" which she in turn makes a negative out of a positive. Now that I am doing things like this on my own it must really be hitting her where she hurts.

I did not even tell her about the cards, the SIL must have let her know. I didn't even care if she knew I gave them a gift or not, it was something I wanted to do.

I don't know if she thinks that since she separated that I am supposed to walk away from her family. FYI - she has stopped all contact with my family since the first week.

A 180 for me was to incorporate more time with family, and I consider the in-laws family still.

Don't know if her being upset by this is good, bad or does not matter. Hope that my contact with the in-laws is not in violation with BDing and causing more harm. I don't want to take any steps backwards.

I know 37 rules say do not get family members to help out and I don't. We do not talk about the W or our M or the separation. We just catch up on each others lives.

[gogofo]

Vets, or anyone who has been through this...

Is this anger common for the WAS?

Is she upset because my actions are contradicting her perception of me?

I don't understand why she would call and ask if there was something I needed to talk about. Was she was using that as an excuse to call? Was she thinking I am trying to tell her something or manipulate her by giving our nieces birthday cards?

I know not to believe most of what she says but this exchange has upset me a little, so I need to work on detachment some more.

[ye21]

Hey Gogofo
I am not an expert on WaW, what I can see that its commom in them its that since they feel they are in control they need to twist things to make you feel "bad" about everything you do, or if you dont feel bad at least have doubts about it...if you think about it, we as LBS dont want them to get upset so we keep doing things with that on mind...I am starting to think they can feel it and smell it...

Most of the times they get upset about nonsense things...and they twist later those things...

Thats my opinion, its not probed but thats what I am feeling lately.

[Barrybran]

I think you've done well. Your intention was pure and you don't care what your wife thinks of it as it was for your nieces. I'm sure your nieces appreciate it.