Anyone can cheat. Some folks do it once, some never, some are serial cheaters. If we take the "an affair is a symptom of other M problems" road, what would you say were the breakdowns in your M? Clearly, undivided attention stands out (your H working two jobs would negate the needed time together). What else?
You're a DB veteran, so that's good news. I would also recommend "His Needs, Her Needs" for you to read. It helps spell out where "love" comes from, and what causes it to come and go in a M. It definitely gave me a roadmap back into a better R with my W.
It sounds to me like your H is trying his best to cake-eat. In his experience, he can have his fun and you will be right there when the A blows up- just like last time. Clearly you two didn't learn from the first A, so this time will have to be different. I think your tough love approach is excellent in this case. He must see that the safety net that he thought was under him, isn't this time. It sounds like you've got it right-if he wants back in the M it's either under the conditions for a great M, or none at all.
It's always good to hear a strong (dare I say "ballsy") female voice on these forums.
