H and I were putting together a family calendar last night to keep track of all kids activities. We added vacations to the calendar and our discussions regarding vacations slowly evolved into a R discussion. It was the first conversation in a long time that H showed a bit of emotion. His eyes filled with tears at one point.
Here is a summary of what my H said: He has no negative feelings towards me anymore. He sees positive things about me and has had feelings towards me that he had not had in a long time. H said that he is passionate about being a dad and passionate towards his business and everything that the business entails, which includes OW. In order to pursue something with me, he would need to change his life, which he loves. Needless to say, he is not willing to do so right now. H needs to know that he wants to be married to me before he will change his life and his R with the OW. H made some comments about how he views me as a person.
H said that he does not want to file for D now, yet he does not know how to get out of this limbo. H needs to know that he wants to be married to me before he will change his life and his R with the OW. Yet, H acknowledges that he cant figure out whether he wants to be with me (i.e. start dating/piecing) because we literally cant talk about anything non-kid related because of his R with OW. He said that he is scared to try and makes things work with me and hurt me more if it does not. He is also scared to not try and lose our family and the chance that we could have a great marriage.
Our conversation made me think a lot. I realized that I am tired of trying to get my H to see who I really am. I realized that I have spent years trying to get him to pay attention to me and to love me and to appreciate our relationship. While my H is passionate about his work and our kids, he has never been passionate about me or our marriage. I have always loved him more than he loved me. I really do not believe that he is willing to damage his business now or in the foreseeable future. I dont want that type of a relationship.
I realized that I really need to drop the rope. I need to start preparing for a life without H. I had let my H back in and started to let the expectations creep back up.
