Take Two ...

[Train]

Sigh. Yeah. I know, Starsky.

I'm hardly ever stumped. I'm usually the one people approach for "words of wisdom."

I mean, at THIS point, I have no real choices except to continue focusing on the kids and me. I've been GAL; I literally almost felt relieved immediately after the B, when people started jumping in to help with the kids, freeing me to leave the house a little again. So my happiness in GAL is actually quite genuine.

I swore, when all this came out, that my H has a mental disorder. His brother is diagnosed bipolar, so I became convinced that's what's afflicting H, too. But the more I read, the more I see that EVERY LBS thinks their spouse is crazy. Lol. And, well, maybe they are.

I just hate to have so many dangling strings. So many unanswered questions.

He keeps stopping by here during his lunch break to move more things out of his garage. Last week, he seemed more "approachable," kinder. He would walk into our home. It was awkward, yes. But we muddled through that for the kids' sake, I guess. Yesterday when he picked up/dropped off the kids? Today at lunch? Not so much. He stayed outside today even after he was finished packing.

I asked him if he wanted lunch, and he accepted. He brushed up against me on the way inside, but I'm not sure if that was intentional or not. He's done it intentionally before, and this time I couldn't tell. I don't even know if I care, honestly. He even ate lunch outside with D2.

He has a hard time looking me in my eyes, which I guess I understand. Our teenage girls are RAGING mad and overwhelmingly sad. They were abandoned as babies by their biological dad, so this has set some pretty negative feelings in motion. They're old enough to understand how deep the betrayal to their mom is, too.

He has said, "I'm sorry." But that was early on after the B. I don't think he's sorry for the A; I think the proof is in the pudding on that, and he's obviously still talking to OW and considering having a future with her in it. I think he's just sorry he was caught. They were apparently most recently texting about OW's D11 being upset because HER daddy wouldn't be coming home that night. Which I DID find a little curious, if I'm being honest.

The fact that my H is thinking of his future with OW in it - and that he refuses to end the A and now justifies it because we are physically S - is what hurts most. I know love, in a relationship, is never enough. But we still loved each other. In 2005, his conscience made him leave before things got crazy-physical with OW. This time, he carried on the A for 2 months - 1 month hot-and-heavy - all while coming home and telling me ILY, making things for me, buying things for me, etc. He and OW were even texting about how she needed to "be careful" because she needed to make her M last for her D. Then, she'd say she might leave him sooner than was planned. They were hot-and-heavy for ONE MONTH and already making plans to be together.

There's a part of me that wishes I would have never said anything to OW's H and just let the relationship run its course and die. My actions just prolonged the natural course of things. Ugh.

Like I said, I don't know if he has a personality disorder or if he just deserves an Oscar. I DO know that he's said even though he beat the crap out of himself every time he went to see OW, "somehow I went through with it anyway. It's done now, no turning back." It's almost like he doesn't just set fire to a bridge that would lead him back home, he lights it up with dynamite. He even said in 2005 that he knew all along, even while we were S for 4 months, that he'd want to come home. I think that's probably a thought that his entered his mind this time, too. But it's almost like he is making SURE he leaves no semblance of a bridge to cross back over even if he eventually wants to. He has asked me: "What do I have to do to make you not give a f--- about me anymore? I'm a loser in your eyes - get rid of me!" I just calmly validate, reminding him that his health and happiness is of paramount importance to me because he's, at the very least, the father of my children.

I KNOW I need to be less focused on him and more on myself. But right now, I'm journaling and laying the groundwork for anyone who might see and have any words of wisdom to share.