On Valentines day, AGAIN, this year, he told me he didn't want to work on things anymore and he moved out.
My old thread title used to be called "Valentines Day Massacre"!
I, too, had a successful reconciliation (ours lasted several years) only to have my ex go off the deep end again and we ended up divorced.
So let me offer up a few thoughts based on my experience:
1) LET GO OR BE DRAGGED! A lot of the physical stuff you are experiencing now will go away once you ACCEPT that this is happening and start to look forward. My hair was falling out in fistfuls until I decided my ex was NOT worth losing my hair over. Once I actually accepted that we WERE getting divorced, and he'd been out of the house for a couple of months, I started to notice how NICE it was, not walking on eggshells around him all the time, trying to fix his unhappiness. Look for the silver linings in these clouds - I guarantee you, there are some.
2) Pick something big outside your marriage/divorce to focus on. I took up learning to play the drums (at 52!). Now, 5 years later, I play drums in a pop-punk cover band, and have just returned from performing (playing vibraphone) at SXSW in a friend's band. (For those who don't know, South By Southwest is a HUGE music festival/music industry conference in Austin, TX). Dream big! Set a goal and go for it.
3) Your MLCer is hoping for the "zipless divorce" - no effort required on his part, you will give him everything and just go merrily on your way. They can get nasty when the rude reality of divorce intrudes on this fantasy. One thing that my ex repeated to me (which was very good advice given to him) was that if we BOTH were unhappy with the outcome of the negotiations, it was probably a pretty fair result! You can calmly remind him that neither of you will get everything you want, and that you just want to reach a fair settlement. Get a good attorney who will give you a realistic idea of what you might win in court, and ask for a little more than that so you have some negotiating room.
4) Try not to put your life on hold. With three young children, I know this process must be hard. For me at this point, I finally knew that, even if my H DID come back, there was no way I could trust him again. And I had peace in my heart that I had done everything in my power to save the marriage. Now, it wouldn't be right for most people, but for me, dating again at this point was very healing. At least make social plans to get yourself out and about when he has the kids.
5) Get good financial advice. Some of the decisions you are making now financially will have long-term consequences. Remember that you pay the taxes on alimony. A lump sum settlement may be more favorable if he has assets to pay it.
6) Get exercise, watch funny movies (I highly recommend streaming She Devil on netflix with Roseanne Barr), eat well, spend time with good friends who can support you.
7) There is life after divorce! I found that even as a middle-aged woman, many (handsome, younger) men found me very attractive! In fact, every single man I dated couldn't figure out why on earth my husband would have left me! I am now dating an extremely handsome, kind, loving man 7 years my junior who treats me like gold.
