Pleeeeease, for your own sake, heed sandi's advice.
8 years ago, my H left me. He returned home with a mistress who was 2 months pregnant (while I was 5 months pregnant). I forgave him, and he moved back in, way tooooo soon. Because of the babies being born, we were "too busy" to fix the problems that started the chain-reaction.
And guess what?
Eight years later, I'm back on the boards, dealing with another affair.
Please don't make any emotional decisions. Take. Your. Time. Seriously.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I think she may be sorry, I don't know for sure. That's the thing, she has been lying about this relationship for so long and lying about so much other stuff as well, and manipulating me in other ways that I just don't trust her anymore. I don't know if I'll ever trust her again. I'm not sure how a relationship can work without trust.
On the day she told me she said she hated lying to me all that time, and that she missed how free we used to be telling each other anything. It's like ummmmm not my fault, but ok.
It is funny about the advice to go away, because just next week I'm going on a trip without her or the kids to see my brother for 5 days. It will give me time to think.
Anyways I am a Christian so I do feel obligated to try and make our marriage work if she is really wants to work on things and is actually repentant.
So I'm thinking of giving her some demands: 1. She would have to talk to our pastor about her relationship with God at this point (She obviously has immature views on being ok living in sin this whole time.) 2. We would have to get a lot of counseling, obviously.
And the big one: 3. She can not have any contact with the OM ever again, which means either of the following a) he would have to give up all parental rights to the kid or b) she would have to give up the baby for adoption or c) she would have to give the kid to him and never see the baby again
Basically I'm not going to be living life as a perpetual third wheel. If she doesn't agree, then fine I'm done. Our whole marriage she has viewed me as the safe guy, and I'm done with that. If she wants me she'll have to prove it with a tough choice, especially if the OM wants to be in the kid's life (I kind of doubt this)
You know even if she agreed to all of this I still don't know. How do you ever build trust with somebody after they've wrecked it so badly?
We would also move of course, or possibly I convince the OM's dad to kick him out (I think this may be doable, and his dad is going to retire to Arizona in a few years anyway). I would still probably move though.
Anyways I am a Christian so I do feel obligated to try and make our marriage work if she is really wants to work on things and is actually repentant.
?? I dont get this part, it sounds religion take it to the extreme...having an unhappy life because you are Christian??
So I'm thinking of giving her some demands: 1. She would have to talk to our pastor about her relationship with God at this point (She obviously has immature views on being ok living in sin this whole time.)
Living in what? sin? Hmmmm so basically you are judging her because she has a different POV or took a decission in her life that also has consecuences for her....so basically lets punish her, because she did something not according to my beliefs....
And the big one 3. She can not have any contact with the OM ever again, which means either of the following a) he would have to give up all parental rights to the kid or b) she would have to give up the baby for adoption or c) she would have to give the kid to him and never see the baby again
YES THIS ONE ITS ACTUALLY HUGE... You dont only will be "happy" controlling her life, takind also decissions for her, what it will make you more " happy" will be controlling the life of the OM and deciding for him as well as controlling and deciding in the life of that kid...
Really????? Would you be able to sleep at night? I mean did you seriously read those options that you are saying or you were just upset and didnt read them at all???
We would also move of course, or possibly I convince the OM's dad to kick him out (I think this may be doable, and his dad is going to retire to Arizona in a few years anyway). I would still probably move though.
Again, controlling the life of others and even in this case you are considering the possibility of hurting others on your own benefit.... Is your pastor agreeing with those ideas? I dont think he will....but if he does maybe you should go visit IC and start focussing in yourself, because it seems that your hapiness its pretty much based on what others do and having control over the life of others...
There are a few other "pearls" in what you wrote but I dont feel like extending too much, I want to believe that you are hurt and upset and all you wrote down will mean nothing tomorrow...
Please re read everything you wrote down and please read Db and DR books over and over again...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
You're right those are not realistic options are they. I'm just hurt and feel like I have no control and want some control over something. I've been wanting our marriage to work and have been working on myself for the past few months, but this circumstance is too much for me to handle. I think I would be able to handle an affair, but not a kid.
When it comes down to it I'm done. Even if she wants to save the marriage at this point I just don't want to.
Who knows maybe ill change my mind in a couple of months or a year, but I doubt it.
Since I have quite a few years on you, I hope you will take this as what I have learned from people, nature, life, and Chrisiianity. I am a Christian also, and I have learned that you cannot force the other person to get their heart right with the Lord. You can't make them live godly. They may say all the right words you want to hear, but on,y God knows their heart. I was in Church doing and saying all the right things.........while I conducted my A. So, you can "demand" she talk to the pastor, but only she can open her heart to God.
"3. She can not have any contact with the OM ever again, which means either of the following a) he would have to give up all parental rights to the kid or b) she would have to give up the baby for adoption or c) she would have to give the kid to him and never see the baby again"
This is said out of deep pain and anger, but it is not very realistic. OM might give up parental rights and if you moved away, it might stop contact, IDK. But to even consider the last two would not be advisable. I believe it would destroy her and in the process, finish off any hope for your M.
Can you talk to your brother? I'm really glad you are getting away from her a few days. I hope she will not contact you, but I think she wil, b/c your are her life jacket at the moment.
Does your family know about the pregnancy? Does her family know?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess to put it more bluntly as many might be thinking.... I would RUN and run fast, before your heart has a chance to make a bad decision.
I lose count of the ways I would never have a fuzzy feeling for life after that ordeal. My family would pretty much shun her anyway so that would all be friction.
I also have very little confidence in ANYONE that goes crawling back to their H ONLY after getting knocked up and the boy toy runs away. I also have ZERO respect fro the boy toy either. He knew you, knew she was married, did it anyway.
I would change the locks and sever that deal.
Regarding faith. I am catholic. I know what Jesus would do BUT forgiveness is one thing. Being married to a cheater is another. You can forgive but you will never forget.
You're right those are not realistic options are they.
Nop, they are not, but look God its giving you the clarity to be able to see it.
I'm just hurt and feel like I have no control and want some control over something. You can regain control over yourself, this is the time.
I've been wanting our marriage to work and have been working on myself for the past few months, but this circumstance is too much for me to handle. I think I would be able to handle an affair, but not a kid.
Thats fine nobody "expects" that you are able to do it, sometimes in life we have to say "enough" and focus in other things.
Who knows maybe ill change my mind in a couple of months or a year, but I doubt it.
Do always what it feels healthier for you...and if you doubt write it here and we will help you...
You will come out of this, stronger than now.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Can you talk to your brother? I'm really glad you are getting away from her a few days. I hope she will not contact you, but I think she wil, b/c your are her life jacket at the moment.
Does your family know about the pregnancy? Does her family know?
No, her family doesn't know and she doesn't want to tell them for a month or so. The only reason she told me was with her staying at the house during the day watching the kids there hasn't been any evidence of.... well you know. I calmly brought this up to her and stated that before we get divorced I need to know if she's pregnant or not (at the very least for legal reasons). She knew that and that's why she told me. She made me promise not to tell anyone and I will respect that for now. I would rather her tell everybody anyway.
I did tell her I would talk to my pastor about it and I did, which she was fine with. Mostly just because she is reconsidering getting back together. If she wasn't reconsidering then I doubt I would bother telling anyone and just getting the divorce done.
I suppose I could talk to my brother about it. He's across the country so he's not around the day to day. But I don't really want to make him hold on to a secret like that. I also don't want to lie to her or break a promise. I know she has done that to me countless times, but it doesn't make it right for me to do the same back. So I probably won't.
And yes I do feel like she's using me as a sort of guidance counselor right now. I'm flying tuesday when she has her appointment to see if the baby has a heart beat. I would like to know if that is true, but should I just ignore her and talk to her when I get back. She says this pregnancy feels different than our two kids and feels like the first miscarriage she had with me before our first kid, but I'm guessing that's because she's super stressed out and is hoping it's not true.
She also keeps telling me that she's going to be super mad if the OM doesn't show up. I'm like what are you gonna do? He's already dumped you. That's another part I struggle with. When she talks about all the problems with the OM, should I tell her to stop telling me, or should I just let her talk and not respond? I'm definitely not going to be giving her advice on her relationship with OM.
I have this sneaking suspicion that the reason OM dumped her was he didn't want to provide child support for the next 18 years and he figured that she would go back to me and I would support the kid. My W has also told me that OM feels threatened by me that W will always want to go back to me. So who knows, maybe he's testing her and I'm just a pawn.
I understand that I should proably go into not caring mode and just worry about myself, but I believe that was one of the reasons we ended up this way. I was always so easy going and didn't care what she did that I think she took it that I didn't care about her. So a personal 180 for me would be to care about her life right?
I think you are reasoning with yourself as to why you SHOULD allow her back in. There were other options for her rather than an affair and consequent child.
I don't think you should have agreed to not tell anyone about the pregnancy, but I "think" I see why you had rather she tell it first. Of course, she will be giving her version.......however or whatever, but people usually try to make themselves sound better than they really are. What about your parents?
I hope you won't start covering up the truth.....for her. That would make things worse.
When she says she will be mad if OM doesn't snow up, is she referring to being with her at the doctor s office? That is not a good sign at all. She is clearly not detached from him, and being pregnant usually draws the woman emotionally closer to the father of the child.
Have you told her you need time to think about things? Don't call her Tuesday. She wants OM there, not you. If you contact her, then she will see it as an open door to contact you while you are trying not to be influenced from her.
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have this sneaking suspicion that the reason OM dumped her was he didn't want to provide child support for the next 18 years and he figured that she would go back to me and I would support the kid. My W has also told me that OM feels threatened by me that W will always want to go back to me. So who knows, maybe he's testing her and I'm just a pawn.
Of course OM doesn't want to support the child! But the rest of that paragraph........forget it. Like I said before, your W knows what to say to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
