I think I belong here....

[unbidden]

He's testing you. Don't let him see it bother you. You don't know what's gonna happen next week or next month. Focus in you and GAL. You can do this. We're behind you.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you. I came to gym with the kids and sat in the van to let it all out. I will be more composed and ready to be there by the time I get home.

[praying_in_GA]

Well, I did pull it it together enough to survive the night. This morning it's still off so I guess that's that. He is also looking for a new cell phone plan. He said I pay too much for the two of us on our plan.

I need to find a way to emotionally and mentally let it go. Hanging onto hope is just tearing me apart. It's days like today I wish didn't have to see him so I could be sad and cry and just sit here.

I'm tired of the broken heart. I'm tired of the broken feelings. I'm tired of it all. I want my husband. I want my family intact. I want to be loved and to love him. I want nightmare to end.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Praying,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult day. I just wanted to say it's not about giving up hope. However, you need to realize your old R is done. Put a fork in it. That doesn't mean a new R can't be better.....if that's what you truly want. I have learned this is a journey of patience and forgiveness. And I have a long way to go!

For now, focus on you and your wonderful kids. Your h is a big boy and needs to work on himself. You can't fix him. Just focus on being the best you.

It's a beautiful day in the ATL:)

[praying_in_GA]

Georgia, that is a good point. It resonated with me when I read it. You are right. We do not want to keep that old R anyway. It was dysfunctional, sexless, and not a M I would want to be in again. If things work out for us, we need a new M. A new life.

I know what I need to fix on myself and I am already doing that...and it is making him uncomfortable. That makes me smile.

[TL72*]

not that it will make you feel any better but mine took his off immediately and shoved it in a drawer. i feel for you though, I know it hurts to see it off. I wore mine for a week or 2 after he took his off and then thought why bother - he had already filed for D so I took mine off. It's much easier for me now because he moved out a month ago today. I survived the first month without him. yay! still [censored] though to go through this and see so many others hurting. I was so upset at the time when he left but now I feel like he did me a favor, much easier to heal this way. let him go, he knows where you are when he's ready to come back. remind yourself that you will survive, GAL, focus on the kids and you. write a list of new goals for your life, distractions that will take your mind off of this. tell yourself him taking off the ring changes nothing, you were already on this path. i know it's shocking, i try to plan for the worst so it's not so bad when and if that happens. you will find strength you never knew you had, you have it in you. I would cry in the shower so he wouldn't know, you do need to let that out. take care of you.

[Georgiabelle]

Great advice from TL. I took mine off during a discussion with h and he took his off at the end. Like TL said, it doesn't matter because the old R is done. Move forward with you.

[praying_in_GA]

Here are just a few musings I had running through my head today....

He doesn't not love me. He loves me as a mother and as his friend of 14 years. His intense, marriage type love for me is gone. We went from amazing friends to married and back to amazing friends. He loves his kids. He doesn't hate me or the kids. He hates where his life ended up. He told me earlier that a text I sent back in Dec was more true than he admitted at the time. He had given up on his plans, hopes, and dreams....he had resigned himself to being a father and husband doing as we (the kids and wife) wished until the end. I totally agree that life around here became just about the kids, his studying, and my work schedule.

Anyway, he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids....he wants to go see what else is out there to see if something can make him happy and enjoy life again.

I don't know where this will lead him but I do know I will come out stronger in the end. I don't feel strong right now...I feel weak and hurt and scared....but eventually I will stand taller and figure out my new life with or without the man I love.

[praying_in_GA]

So, I blew it today.

H mentioned his phone reception again today. (our house is in a black hole for our company, we have hit or miss reception) I told him I was thinking of getting a signal extender so that would take care of it. Or, I have a friend with a different phone (he wants to try an iPhone) that he could try out. He said "I talked to my brother. He said if I join his plan he will save $20 a month." I asked him wasn't his brother with our phone company as well? He said yea, but he will get a new phone out of it. I told him his contract is up in July and I have the iPhone. He kinda shrugged and said "Yea, but it will save K money."

I felt my face getting hot and know I should have walked away but I didn't...I opened my big a** mouth. I said: You know what, go to whatever plan you want to. It's your phone and your life. I know you are trying to separate everything with us right now and this is just one more thing. Just do me a favor and stop throwing daggers. First the ring and now the phone. I get it! I know where we stand. I don't need you to continue to throw it at me all the time. Just stop with the damn daggers.

He said he didn't mean to hurt me, he is just trying to save me and K some money. I can downgrade my bill and he gets a group discount.

I went to leave for work and told the kids bye. When I told him bye he said bye back with this sad sound to his voice.

I didn't mean to let the anger out. I am just so tired of it. We have had perfectly great days. We get along. We play around. We do intimate things. We laugh and watch movies together. We even made plans to take the kids to the beach this summer. Then it all slams back home with the darn cell phone.

We were supposed to do dinner and a movie with the kids tomorrow. They opened the movie and watched it tonight. H says he didn't know they had opened it, they were watching it in the bedroom. I told him it hurt my feelings because I specifically told D8 that we would watch it tomorrow. He told me it's only a bad day if I let it be a bad day. I ended up hanging up in a not so pleasant way.

Gah! What is wrong with me?! I am letting my emotions take over and I should be in control. I have been doing SO WELL with my 180s and my positivity at home.

[praying_in_GA]

Just scrolled through years worth of H's FB posts. I found a few that made me shrivel up inside.....

Dec 22, 2009 - "thinks he loves his new wife. It wasn't supposed to happen, but I think I'll stay married a bit longer :-)"
(After we got back together the first time we went through this. I would give anything to hear/read those words again)

Aug 11, 2010 - "I love my wife. She is the greatest woman in the world. The fact that she is seriously hot doesn't hurt either."

Mar 10, 2011 - "You are the sweetest thing ever. I love you baby."

Aug 14, 2013 - "Happy Anniversary baby. I love you and look forward to many more years."

Just last year....just 6 months ago...he was looking forward to many more years. Please. Please tell me we can get back to Dec 2009. Dear God, please hold us and guide us back there. I miss those feelings so much.....