Take Two ...

[Train]

I was here in late 2005/early 2006. My H left me when I was 2 months pregnant. After reading DB and religiously practicing its techniques, he was back when I was 5/6 months pregnant. With a mistress who was 2 months pregnant.

I didn't push therapy; that was my fault. Though we talked about the A, I didn't push for more details than I felt I could handle. And then I turned into the loyal pit-bull lover I am, standing beside my man and fighting, right alongside him.

Though we talked about the breakdown of our marriage, we never really delved into it. I didn't get answers I should have pushed for, for the well-being of our future together.

And we did ourselves a huge disservice. Because here we are again ...

5 days after my 10th wedding anniversary - and after my usually-loving, attentive, selfless H showered me with gifts and love - he said something disrespectful to me. He's been SO respectful toward me since the incident in 2005 that that's all it took for me to know he was seeing someone else ... again.

So I confronted him, without a shred of evidence at the time. And he spilled.

That was Feb. 19. Late at night.

He, of course, lied and said the relationship was "text-only." I didn't take him for his word, because I'm a seasoned pro at this point, but I quickly opened my "DB toolbox" that was still so familiar from 2005. He admitted he was intrigued by her and wanted to get to know her better. Almost like a robot, I told him that to work on our marriage ... again ... he'd need to cut off communication with her and that I knew how hard that would be for him. I validated his feelings for the OW - who is married herself - and told him I would have patience through the grieving period of losing this "new love." I even told him I knew how it felt to have to mourn the loss of a love.

The following day, he turned ugly, just like he did in 2005, justifying his behavior by blaming me and saying he'd been miserable for 10 years.

The kids and I (I have two Ds, 16 and 17, from a previous relationship, and H and I share a S7 and D2) packed up and went to my sister's for a few days until things cooled down a little.

I let H know the day I was coming home. He met us here, and he played with the kids then met me outside for a beer. I told him that while I was away, I had sent e-mails out to former colleagues (I was wildly successful in my field for 10 years before having my S and becoming a SAHM), and that I had a freelance job offer within 10 minutes of sending the e-mail. As soon as I said that, H grew almost crazed. He couldn't keep his hands off me. I asked him what the heck had come over him, and he said he didn't know. We made love that night, and it was amazing (as usual for us).

The next night, I knew I needed to know the extent of his relationship with OW and that H wasn't being honest. So I did what I needed to do. Come to find out, the relationship had turned physical (which I was smart enough to assume to begin with). They'd known each other for all of 2.5 months. And they're already telling each other how much they love each other and sending photos of their (our) children to one another.

Because I have "experience" in this (ok, ok, so I did good in some ways but screwed the pooch in others), I didn't beg, plead or go through wedding photos or tell my husband how much I adore him. I just beat the crap out of his phone with a meat tenderizer ... but only after I had sent myself screenshots of several texts from just the past few days between the two lovers.

My H, still thinking I was fooled by his promises that it was a "text-only relationship," was so confused ... until I picked up my own phone and started reading the texts between them. In the most recent one, they talked about having sex in MY bed. That's how vulgar their texts were. It was, like, porn-quality texts. Disgusting. Gives me nightmares.

My H met her at a grocery store, where she works. He asked for her phone number. He begged me not to approach her husband AFTER I called the grocery store and talked to her manager, asking about the store's policy on employees handing out phone numbers to shoppers ... especially MARRIED shoppers.

Yeah. I took a hard-nosed approach this time, unlike in 2005 when I was pregnant and weak and vulnerable. And it's been a longggggg month.

H stayed here for 2 weeks after I found out the details about the A. He turned in his burn phone, with me at the phone store with him, and put himself back on the family plan, which is in my name. He told me I could check into his activities any time I wanted to. At this time, he still admitted he thought of OW but said he understood my demand that as long as he lived in the same house with me, he wouldn't disrespect me by continuing to text her.

(I should add: My H is the most amazing, hands-on, loving, gentle, attentive father in the world. He's usually the same kind of H. But he has SNAPPED ... twice now ... and becomes almost demonic. Like, seriously ... infatuated with pentagrams and 666 and flames in hell, etc. when he snaps like this, which he's done twice.)

After he turned his phone in, we stayed home together, even sleeping in the same bed, for about 2 weeks. We took the kids on a trip a few hours away, and while things were awkward ... and he acknowledged he was "weighing his options" where S/D was concerned ... we made it through.

The following day, though, one of my teenage girls said something that flipped his switch (he still likes to think of himself as the victim, apparently). An hour later, the little kids, H and I were all lying on the couch, watching a movie. I said SOMETHING that ripped into him (and I WISH I remembered what I said, but I don't). He popped up and yelled, "Because I don't want to f***in BE with you anymore!!!" S7, clearly shaken, jumped into my lap and started crying. My chin was on the, uh, couch. H turned to S7 and said, "What do you want me to do, buddy? I can stay here, but it'd take a long time for me to learn to love your momma again."

And I snapped. All my "tools" flew out the window. I kicked him out. For that brief second, I knew I had to teach my son, who is home alllll the time bc I homeschool him, how a woman deserves to be treated. I would not allow the man who has showed me SO much respect for as long as our son has been alive to disrespect me like that. (It was S7 I was pregnant with the first time H left me). And I realized, when my H snapped, that CLEARLY he had not ended his A as he told me he had.

Since he left on March 3, things have been a complete roller coaster. Again. At first, he wouldn't have anything to do with me. Then he couldn't keep his hands off me. He's hot and cold.

And then the BIG day: I found out, 5 days after he left, he had purchased a hotel room. 2 adults. King-size bed. So I bought flowers and a card and gave them to the folks at check-in for the "happy couple." Told the check-in folks I was a matchmaker and had hooked the two of them up and this was their first night together as a couple, so I wanted to leave them a gift of good cheer.

And then, knowing OW was occupied with H for the night, I paid a visit to OW's H. I had known about the A for 2.5 weeks and had respected my H's wishes that I leave OW's H out of it ... but I went back on that once it was clear they intended to continue the A. I'm a SAHM. 4 children. My whole world has crumbled to its foundation. Why should SHE be given a free pass to keep her M ... with one D and a S from a previous marriage ... and get my H on the side?

Her H was, strangely, gentle and calm. Naive. But he e-mailed me a couple times and finally told me not to contact him anymore bc he was going to try to repair his M. He's out of work right now, and she's the breadwinner of the family. He's in school, so I think he's willing to let his wife do whatever until he's out of school in December.

OW and H are still texting. I only know bc my son, during visitation with his dad, plays on his dad's phone and sees the texts coming in. I try to tell him that mommy doesn't need or want to know what daddy's up to - all he needs to know is that, no matter what's going on, mommy and daddy love him SO much and we'll ALL be okay - but he still sees the texts and comes home telling me about "Daddy's girlfriend texting."

I have immediately thrown myself into the "DB rules." Chopped my hair off. I'm throwing mascara on and earrings in daily. Painting my nails. Running again. Feeling more self-confident than I have in years. Fortunately (or unfortunately), threats are knocking on my door. And I know there are "easy fixes" on standby to help me emotionally - and quickly - "get over" a H who has treated me so incredibly poorly ... twice.

I'm in a whirlwind. Out of control with no safety net. I don't know which end is up. I don't know if I want this M or if it's a lost cause. He's done this TWICE now. I believe in second chances. But I've never been challenged with giving 3rd or 4th chances. Don't get me wrong: I love my H DEARLY. I adore him. I have gone to hell and back for and with him already. And, Lord knows, I'd be willing to do it again ... but THIS time with professional help to pinpoint the crack that's in our marriage that clearly I'm not perceptive enough to identify on my own.

But he's not at a place where he wants to completely sever his A. And apparently she's secretly still talking to H even while telling HER H that she's "working on the M." My H says she's "taking things slowly" because she saw how H left me. And H says, "I told her not to leave like I did." He also says, "We might hook up down the road."

But now, H is starting to say things to me that make me think he's "coming around." Things like, "I know I royally screwed up," and, when I thank him for continuing to provide for the kids and me: "It's the least I could do for everything I've done." He came over tonight to work on my car. Then had a friend (the ones he's living with, who's a mutual friend) come over to help him move more of his garage things out.

But he's telling all his friends and family he's done. He was miserable for 10 years.

He vacillates between telling ME I'm amazing (an amazing mom, easy on the eyes and fun to have sex with are among his top compliments ... and he says I'm every man's DREAM and he has NO idea why he doesn't "want that anymore") and telling me he's been miserable living with me for 10 years.

He thinks I'm controlling. Same complaint as last time. And when he came home last time, he said: "I feel miserable when I feel you're controlling me, but I've learned it's not control .... it's that you want to protect me from making stupid decisions that eventually hurt me."

So here I am again. Stronger this time. MUCH stronger. (Maybe TOO strong?) Less vulnerable. Less weak. But still in love with a man who has now hurt me - TWICE.

I'll take my responsibility in the breakdown. H works 2 jobs. I'm home ALLLLLL day with two kids and afternoons with all 4 kids. I even slept with the babies because H snores so loud. H and I were working on getting the kids in their own rooms when all this went down. The 2 weeks after I found out about the A but only knew it as a text-only A, we had put the kids in their rooms and slept together. And we made love almost every night.

And then he disrespected me in front of our S7, and I made that split-second decision.

I don't know if this M is worth my time and effort again. I love him so much that I think I could possibly work to repair what we never repaired before. I know my life would be "easier," financially, with him in it. I was a single mom of 2 when I met him in 2002. Now I'll be a single mom of 4. And, for now, I have no income besides what he's kind enough to provide. And he's providing, working his first 40 hours a week and handing me his paychecks. He's keeping income from his second job - almost full-time - for himself. And I am validating him and telling him how appreciative I am that he continues to provide for the kids and me that way during these times ... because THAT is pretty selfless of him (and it's also how my H USUALLY is).

I just don't know if his cheating is a result of something that has been broken in our M since before he did it the first time (and we never fixed it) ... or if it's a character-flaw.

My friends and family are astonished because he seems to be so fixated on me all the time. My friends say they look up to our relationship so much because we still seem madly in love, 10 years after being married. And we are. We still slip away from the house to have sex ... in the back of a car, when we have to, or in his barn when the kids are occupied with relatives inside. Or on the couch after all the kids are asleep at night.

There are A LOT more details. But this is enough to digest for now, especially because the new format apparently makes it more difficult for posts from "new" people to show up.

I'd value any input and would be happy to divulge further information or answer questions. And I thank you in advance for the backbone I know you will provide in the days and weeks ... and months ... ahead.