It is hard understanding what to do when a personal 180 goes against the rules. I also find it hard to understand what to do about helping with the D. It's my H's desire so I feel he should be on the hook to work for it without my help. I do realize that makes him angry and reinforces that he wants a D. No answers from me, sorry, just sympathy...
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
Ugh. I have just messed up so much. I try to not be mad at her and make snippy comments to her, but my situation is just right in front of my face I can't help it. The OM in question is a neighbor 2 doors down who lives with his parents.
I talked to a different neighbor and he was like "there's someone else isn't there?" I just sort of stared off. He then said yeah he has a good idea who it is. So apparently everybody could tell. It's just so embarrassing.
After that conversation I made some comments to her that OM is not allowed at my house, once she's married she doesn't get alimony, and she won't have the kids if they live together before they are married. Obviously not the right path to go down. It would be a lot easier if the OM didn't live next door, and since he parks on the street I notice that when he's gone I just think that he's probably with her.
I don't know how the rest of you handle the anger. It's rough.
Well, we manage the anger but first acknowledging it and then not acting out on it... WAW can do many things to piss you off, the way that you react at them will give you peace or screw you for days, so now that you know he lives two doors up, here is my question...can you move out of that place where you love and find another place? Or if you cant, is there anyway you find a way to deal with the pain? You know how you made things more powerful? By making thoes things important...if you do the opossite they cant get stronger...its just basic science
If you go to the gym 3 hours a day there is a good chance you will get in a brutal shape, if you dont go... If you are always thinking about your W she becomes powerfull over you, if you dont think about her, she ends disappearing of your toughts... I dont think anymore about my first girlfriend who cheated on me.... Nor even the second one....I accept that thats what they wanted at that time, wish them hapiness but bro my life keeps moving, I have no time to spend on those toughs... Your W doesnt want to be with you, accept it and move on...if she decides to come back she will let you know...she is the one who choosed to leave you so its her sole choice to call you or let you know if she wants you back... Meanwhile lets focus on your life because thats the life you can focus on from a realistic point of view...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Found out she's pregnant from OM. He has just broken up with her. And she wants to come back to me.
She told me that she has been wanting to work on things for the past couple of weeks with me, but figured by getting pregnant with him she had messed it all up between us. She understands that I wouldn't want her back at this point, but she wants us to get back together, because it is the right thing to do for her and for our 2 kids.
I don't what I'm going to do at this point. If there's anybody who's gone through this before please share your story. I know this site is all about stopping divorceds, but it would be very hard to be married to someone who has a kid with someone else. And she may continue to have feelings for him, and they will see each other for the kid.
I am feeling very used by her. Like I was just the fall back guy that can take care of her. I'm not sure if she really wants to be with me at this point, I think she does at least slightly, and that would have been enough to at least start piecing our relationship. But this situation might be too much for me to handle.
I am feeling very used by her. Like I was just the fall back guy that can take care of her. I'm not sure if she really wants to be with me at this point, I think she does at least slightly, and that would have been enough to at least start piecing our relationship. But this situation might be too much for me to handle.
You also need to see something my friend...you dont have to go back with her because this is what she wants now....you can choose too...let time work and give you a more clear response about this, you dont have take a decission right now....just so you know...if this is a deal breaker for you...its beneficial for you to listen to yourself and move forward with your decission...why would you be involved in something that its always gonna cause you pain? If its not a deal breaker for you...then you can start working on the M with her...now its your choice, not her choice anymore...use time wisely and analyze what your life will be with and without her...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Wow tough situation - personally I'd say wait, don't make any decisions yet & see whether she's serious first, she could be panicking as the OM has ended things? I hope that's not the case but he careful to protect yourself here, you need solid proof she's serious before you make any decisions.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
FWIW, I am going through my own nightmare with a run away wife but not as complicated as your situation. I have a strong suspicion if you take her back, this issue will come up again. My advice might be to do what others say and step BACK. Do NOT take her back in at this point. Cheating and getting knocked up is life changing. Me personally, I know I could never take someone back and fully love them after something like this. Cheating would end things for me anyway but add in a child....no-go.
I would let her sweat it out. She made her bed. Only issue is if you are married, finances might get very complicated for you because her situation is likely going down the tubes.
Well of couse you are the fall back guy. Of course she is going to say had thought about working on the R the past couple of weeks, and doing what's best for the kids......yada, yada. Of course you are being used! Don't fool yourself into thinking this pregnancy has fixed the problem.
To be blunt, you need to spend time alone....away from her. Tell her you have a lot to think about. Then figure out how you really feel (without her emotional pressure) about raising the "love child" of the man your W had an A with. A man who dumped her........she didn't didn't dump him. She was choosing him over you. Every time you look at that child, will you be reminded that he/she is the product of your W's unfaithfulness? And you know this child will forever link you, W, and OM together. Even if OM doesn't want W and child right now, it is likely to change once the child is born.
The baby can't help the circumstances, of course. You may even be able to love him/her. But the part I hope you will consider right now is how this will affect the rest your life......not to mention the R between you and W, and that is why you need time away from her. It won't hurt her to wait to see how "you" feel for a change.
Another thing you need to consider is the fact she was not repentant of her wrong doing. She just got caught...and got dumped. (And are you still financially supporting her?) what you need to ask yourself is she truly sorry? She said early on she was sorry for your pain, or something to that effect, but did not say she was sorry for her actions. I think a very big mistake LBH'S make is taking the wayward W back without her feeling remorseful over her actions, and/or trying to get there at least. Many women really don't want to deal with what they did, and will more or less tell the H to put it in the past and just move forward in the M, and then harbor all those old resentments toward her H. Of course, he's left not knowing how to deal with her A or the SSM he faces.
So I suggest you take plenty of time, and don't allow her or her family to rush you to take her back. This is about what you want for your life now. If you decide you want to give it a chance, you must lay out the conditions at the time you give her your answer. One of the most important being to find a solution based family therapist to help salvage this M. Please do not take her back without a firm commitment from her about this. Then follow through immediately. Do not accept excuses of waiting till after the child is born, or any other stuff.
Another condition should be her taking a STD test. You deserve to be safe and don't take chances.
I would seriously....SERIOUSLY consider relocating where my family lived. It is one thing raising another man's child, but you don't have to live next door to him or the child's paternal grandparents. That is much worse than living next door to a MIL. Distance does help!
These are just a few suggestions. I believe you need to write other things down as you have time to think alone. Know your boundaries and make certain she knows them, before you agree to anything.
Nobody can tell you what decision to make for your own life. Be careful, go slowly, and don't be too quick to believe what she tells you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow, this is a tougher one than normal, and that's saying something. First, I agree with Sandi's comments. Dig into those.
Initially I was going to suggest some distance....some time focused on you, what went wrong in the M, and things you can improve. After the bomb....well, I still think that's the place to start. Her craziness is not your problem at the moment. You don't need to solve it for her....at least not yet.
So what are the things you want to work on? What are the things your W complained about in the M? What are the things you're not happy about in your role in the M?
Take this slow and work through the issues. Clearly, she's looking to you to be the "good guy" she think she is. But do what is right for you. Reconciliation may or may not be best for you....take the time to figure it out.
