Is this cake eating 16

[keep_going]

NLW,

I am so sorry to hear about this.
You know I have followed your sitch from the beginning.
I know how much you are hurting and I wish it wasn't so.

Yet, I wanted to post to you to talk about your kids...


This has been a long and nasty saga with your H. I am not here to talk about what may be wrong with him (you have been focusing your energy and emotions on trying to figure that out for the longest time...)

Whatever is wrong with him is NOT your problem.
What you need to concentrate on is on how you can protect your kids.

Regardless of money and how things end, you have to help the kids. You have to try to provide peace and stability for them.

How?
From this post and many others before, it seems like your kids know all the details of your issues with your H. I know they are older and they obviously know you are struggling financially because they live that every day, but do they need the play by play?

For instance, how did your S find out that there were diamonds coming from abroad?

I know when we are in the middle of pain and grief we want to share and your kids being there makes it easy for us to rely on them for emotional support. Yet, the problem with sharing things about the M with them is that then they take on the role of trying to support YOU.

Most of the times, when there is a D, the kids end up taking on the burden and blaming themselves for it. It takes a lot of love, support and re-assurance of the contrary to dispel that belief.

If on top of that they learn on all the issues and they see you down and hurt and in victim-mode, that places even more of a burdern on them.

Throughout your situation, why have your kids constantly tried to take on the role of defending you?
That is NOT their place.

So I encourage you to ask yourself - What have I done through all of this that has put them in that sitch?
It's a very tough question, but you need to ask yourself.

Do not revert to the easy answer of - "MY H is crazy and they have seen it all through his actions."
Because there are a lot of things and details about your sitch that there was no way your kids would have found out just by your H's actions (like the diamonds).

Think about this - you could have just said that the currier was looking into delivering a package and had a wrong answer. End of story.

Don't you think that knowing that there were diamonds for OW added salt on an open wound that they have been witness of for so long?

Please - think about this...

In my opinion, your kids have been exposed to way, way too much on this D (by both of you). You cannot control your XH, but you can control you.

Show them a strong woman. Get out of victim-mode and teach them how to behave and deal with their grief in a healthy way. Because life will bring more of that now and later in their lives as adults.

For instance, where are you when they yell to their dad in person or on the phone or when your S threatens to show up at a restaurant? Do you think that is a healthy response to your son's pain?

PLEASE know that I am NOT trying to discount your son's feelings. He is IN MASSIVE, MASSIVE PAIN - and YOU can be the one to guide him thru how to deal with it in a healthy way.

Yet, in order to do so, YOU also need to learn how to deal with your own pain in a healthy way.

I urge you to immediately seek counseling for you and your kids - both individual and family therapy so all of you can find peace and emotional help so your lives moving forward are NOT defined by this most painful, painful situation.

Please - come back and post about the things you are doing to improve your life and that of your kids...

We have learned all the details of what an A-hole your XH can be (and so have your kids). In my opinion, way too many details.

He doesn't deserve this much space in your mind and your life (and that of your kids) and it has only kept you stuck.

You know I really care about you, NLW...
I want to see you and your kids HAPPY and THRIVING, not just surviving.

((((((((NLW)))))))