Journal: I still have a ways to walk. I need to transform what is happening with my situation into a "gift" or a lesson. I still focus to much on what W did or did not do that got me/us to this place. That will not serve me well going forward.
You and me both, Paul. I guess the good part is that we at least recognize where we ultimately want to be, and that we aren't there yet. It's just a matter of doing the work. Well, first, figuring out how to do the work. Then doing it. Glad to have my DB friends beside me on this walk!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I need to transform what is happening with my situation into a "gift" or a lesson.
The only thing you can do is to keep working on you and letting go of your attachment to your W. The gift part will come if you do your work.
About the coffee thing...do you think you're ready for a new R? You seem to be in a really vulnerable place right now.
Hi Bug! I am not looking so much for a Relationship per se as just starting to socialize. I agree, I'm in a weird place at the moment. I am more raw than I realized. its nice that I saw "in the moment' that my previous experiences with W were translating into the present. Still more work to do
thanks for walking along with me today.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Journal: I still have a ways to walk. I need to transform what is happening with my situation into a "gift" or a lesson. I still focus to much on what W did or did not do that got me/us to this place. That will not serve me well going forward.
You and me both, Paul. I guess the good part is that we at least recognize where we ultimately want to be, and that we aren't there yet. It's just a matter of doing the work. Well, first, figuring out how to do the work. Then doing it. Glad to have my DB friends beside me on this walk!
thanks for the input M. right back at ya!
I told my older Bro about the coffee experience today. He reminded me that its early to worry about anything outside of myself and my kids. he is also D'd but met his current W 6 months after his M ended and he moved out. Funny, his current W was a long time friend of my W and we introduced them. They have been married almost 15 years now. He says his current W is a completely different person from his XW and happily so.
His current W tells me that the woman she's known (my W) for 30 years is nowhere to be found. Sad....they lost their friendship a few years back and it strained my R with my brother. That's getting back on track now. So many signs I seem to have ignored along my path. I have to forgive myself and let go of the regrets. that's my walk too.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
journal: the snow along the roadside melted enough that I took my pup for a walk to the park today. its been a while and we needed it. We had a great time. The wind was colder than expected, but it was nice.
For some reason I've been having very vivid dreams about W and me talking visiting...fixing this mess... I wake up to find her not there and its a little unsettling. W avoids driving past our house now and takes the other way out of the neighborhood. Not sure why it feels strange, but it does.
I found my mind wandering through the situation while walking with my dog. Nothing changes. I had strange feelings of wanting to talk to her, but didn't act on them. Removing myself from this has been harder than I thought. I wanted to believe there was a way to save us. I have to stop that. its a process. I will walk on
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Journal: another good workout this morning. I had drinks and tapas with a friend last eveing. That was nice. Today is about working hard and getting it done. I nerolled thenkidsnin the spring and summer hockey clinics they asked about. I'm notnsurenhoe all of the finances will eork out but I will begin planning that next.
Life goes on.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Journal: made a new friend last night. We have very similar interests and backgrounds. We will be friends for a while I think. he BD happened a day after mine. She suffered a long time in a broken M and is getting divorced too. its nice to have face to face time with somebody that gets it. I enjoyed that. there's no sparks between us and my insides are not ready for that anyway....Just nice to talk with somebody that gets it.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Journal: I was out with S12 and his friends tonight. It was a good night. We enjoyed watching the kids play and ride Karts. D13 went with W at 11 this morning and she didn't know what her plans were. W didn't indicate any plans for the remainder of the day but D13 didn't know if and when she'd be back. I asked for clarity from D13 and got none. I contacted W after 7 hours to clarify D13's plans for the day and night. she told me D13 went to her mom's for the night. I called to discuss this and ask her to coordinate these visits and the timing directly with me. I relayed to her that D13 had not really explained her plans. W made a lot of assumptions. she assumed D13 gave me all the plans which was not correct. I asked that W be my contact regarding the kids. this time she seemed to get it...we shall see.
today was our 17th anniversary. After the call with W I texted her to thank her for the chat about D13. I told her I remembered what the day was. I wished her peace. she texted a polite "thanks" in response.
I knew that W was sleeping at our barn around the corner tonight due to our horse expecting a foal any day now. I started to go over with hot chocolate, but as I got there, I paused at the curb, reminded myself that this is not a person who wants to see me and left before I was seen. This was the better thing to do. I just had a moment of weakness about our anniversary.
Some days this Walk is harder than others.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I was just thinking of you today and wondering how you are doing.
The anniversary is hard. And so is still wanting to bring hot chocolate (or whatever little thing you do to show you care), and knowing it is not wanted.
I just had an email exchange with my H about some tax documents. I added in some niceties (just thanks and stuff, nothing mushy!) and he ignored them. Oh well.
I hope that someday someone (maybe your W, maybe someone else) will appreciate you bringing her hot chocolate.
Some days are definitely harder than others . . . the great thing is that tomorrow is a whole new day.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
