Here I Am Again!

[Missmygirl]

Haven't posted here in a while, so figured I'd drop in and update you on my situation.

I had decided a while ago to take a different tack in trying to get my relationship with E moving in the right direction. So far, it seems to be working. Instead of confronting her when things bother me, I will talk about it with a very close friend. That way, I get it off my chest and I often find that I feel better about it and it doesn't lead me to sabotage my efforts.

The reason I have adopted this approach is that E can't deal with confrontations. When we disagree or have a quarrel, she shuts down emotionally. She loses hope that we will remain together. I have been having to learn how to communicate with her without hurting her or raising her fears and causing her "flight" behavior to kick in.

E seems to be warming to me. Very slowly.

I find her behavior very puzzling at times, though. She will have days when she seems emotionally closer to me. She'll sit and watch TV with me or go to couples massages with me. We've been skiing together, as well. Then there's days when it seems like she's trying to push me away. She'll be distant and not talk. She'll fill our house with music that she knows I don't like, such as Linkin' Park or some other group where the lead singer is literally screaming something negative about life or love or whatever it was that was bothering them the day they came up with their new tune.

When this happens, I leave and go to the gym, the coffee shop, or some other place. Funny thing is, she gets upset with me when I do this. She will tell me that I am leaving her to do all the housework or that I am just doing my own thing. It's like she feels like I'm the one who is disconnected or trying to get away from being married to her. She's even cried and told me that she feels I don't like her.

Today, she seemed to be having a bad day. Before, I would have saddled myself with the responsibility of her happiness. I don't do that anymore. If she's being testy, I get away from her until I can bring myself around to the point of understanding her feelings and supporting her. I may not always support her behavior or her point of view, but I CAN always support HER. It's not always easy, but I can get there eventually if I keep my focus off of how I feel and if I remain detached from it all.

I guess I really have been selfish all these years while we've been married. I have always looked at things from the perspective of how it affects me. I do it still. It's something I am trying to change. It's OK to look at how I am affected, but I have needed to look at things from a perspective of looking out for her well being as well. I had never done that before.

Today, I asked her what was bothering her. She told me she felt I was going back to how I used to be. I don't think I am, but I reassured her that I understood what she was saying and why she could feel that way. I assured her that it wouldn't happen. I then made sure that she saw me follow my words with action. When you read here how the spouse is afraid that you won't change and stay changed, that is the absolute truth. I am hearing it with my own ears. My job is to continue to prove that my changes are permanent. I am convinced that I will have to prove that to her the rest of my life.

I am absolutely certain that E is going through a midlife transition. It's been a crisis for us both at times. Who knows... maybe I've been going through the same. It doesn't matter what we call it. It's been happening. My job is to deal with it.

She just left to go out with her girlfriends for the evening again. She hasn't been out with them for a while. This time she wasn't dressed as alluring as she has in the past. That was nice to see. I still don't like them going out to the dance clubs, but I will not say anything. She knows I don't like it. I would only be nagging.

Before she left, she kissed me (something she hasn't done in a while) and told me not to wait up for her. I won't. I'll take a sleeping pill and sleep like a rock.

I like to read books by Max Lucado. I find his writings to be very encouraging. Here's something I recently read that was penned by him. I think it applies to all of us here.

The Survivor’s Creed

You’ll get through this.

It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick.

But God will use this mess for good.

Don’t be foolish or naive.

But don’t despair either.

With God’s help, you will get through this.


I hope all of you have a great weekend and that you see improvements in the relationship you have with your spouse.